Help

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I know alot of you know my story, if not then please read some of y earlier posts.

I thought I was doing quite well, I guess I am now 6 weeks out since the discard. I heard from him a couple of times saying he was dreaming of me and i was happy and it was nice to see, i didnt respond so got a PLEASE READ you message, then a week or so later a message saying how he had happily moved on, hes never been happier how it was all my fault etc. Then I finally responded I told him I was happy for him and that I will no longer take the accountability for his actions so on and so on and that I was now free. I got a 4 emails after which i didnt read and a missed call off a unknown number. All I saw from one of them is that people are saying they have never seen him happier, that I am the devil and his karma and that I will face mine.

Ive struggled with taking what he says to me to heart, I know he is ill, I know he has a mental illness but I dont lie so I still expect eveything I hear to be the truth. Any way the last email I got was a little over a week ago. Yesterday I was out and I saw one of his friends who spoke to me and asked if I had found anyone else yet. I didnt ask once about my ex and tried to keep the conversation on him when he asked " how are you now? are you ok?" I just answered yes, but I was also thinking why is he asking that?. :S Anyway last night out of know where, the panic attack, I couldnt breath, the pain in my chest, crying uncontrollably. I don't even know why. I considered hurting myself just to take away the pain from my chest. I slept terribly and today I have also been none stop tears.

I have been trying to do what I was told on here previously, count the blue things, count the rectangles in the room but nothing seems to be working. Last night I ended up ringing a crisis line. I am so embarrassed at myself. I thought I would be so much further on in my recover than I am now, I am ashamed that I feel like I have gone back to square one and I dont even know why.

I am aware of where my codependency stems from and it is something I am working on. I started with a new therapist on Friday who will be doing hypnosis with me next time I see her. I am just struggling, I dont know why I feel like I do or how to overcome it. Any help will be greatly appreciated.

[Breakingpoint13]

So I know alot of you know my story, if not then please read some of y earlier posts.

I thought I was doing quite well, I guess I am now 6 weeks out since the discard. I heard from him a couple of times saying he was dreaming of me and i was happy and it was nice to see, i didnt respond so got a PLEASE READ you message, then a week or so later a message saying how he had happily moved on, hes never been happier how it was all my fault etc. Then I finally responded I told him I was happy for him and that I will no longer take the accountability for his actions so on and so on and that I was now free. I got a 4 emails after which i didnt read and a missed call off a unknown number. All I saw from one of them is that people are saying they have never seen him happier, that I am the devil and his karma and that I will face mine.

Ive struggled with taking what he says to me to heart, I know he is ill, I know he has a mental illness but I dont lie so I still expect eveything I hear to be the truth. Any way the last email I got was a little over a week ago. Yesterday I was out and I saw one of his friends who spoke to me and asked if I had found anyone else yet. I didnt ask once about my ex and tried to keep the conversation on him when he asked " how are you now? are you ok?" I just answered yes, but I was also thinking why is he asking that?. :S Anyway last night out of know where, the panic attack, I couldnt breath, the pain in my chest, crying uncontrollably. I don't even know why. I considered hurting myself just to take away the pain from my chest. I slept terribly and today I have also been none stop tears.

I have been trying to do what I was told on here previously, count the blue things, count the rectangles in the room but nothing seems to be working. Last night I ended up ringing a crisis line. I am so embarrassed at myself. I thought I would be so much further on in my recover than I am now, I am ashamed that I feel like I have gone back to square one and I dont even know why.

I am aware of where my codependency stems from and it is something I am working on. I started with a new therapist on Friday who will be doing hypnosis with me next time I see her. I am just struggling, I dont know why I feel like I do or how to overcome it. Any help will be greatly appreciated.

[BKDamon]

Hi Breakingpoint13,

I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through.
The beginning of the breakup can be quite violent emotionally, with lots of ups and downs. But you are not back to square one. The healing process isn’t linear, sometimes we fall. But it doesn’t mean that you’re not in the right direction. Little by little, these moments that seem like steps back won’t be as frequent or as hard to manage.

You have clearly identified that what triggered you current state was running into one of his friend. That will give you the opportunity to learn, and avoid these type of encounters, or at least try to deal with them in a way that is safer for you emotionally.

You are safe. It might not feel that way, but you are on the right track, and it will all be OK. Is there anyone (friend, family, professional, ...) that you can turn to if necessary?

[Breakingpoint13]

I think what set me off tbh was this friend of his was there on his birthday when he attacked me and took the wingmirror off my car because I spent too long in the bathroom. I think it was the fact it was him asking me and I took it as though my ex is so happy and thats all that matters. :S I dont know. I hate that this can upset me, when I dont even want to be with him!

We live near each other. I dont know how I can avoid these people or what to do so I dont react the same again. I am now with a new therapist, yes.

[babyducks]

I thought I would be so much further on in my recover than I am now, I am ashamed that I feel like I have gone back to square one and I dont even know why.

I am aware of where my codependency stems from and it is something I am working on. I started with a new therapist on Friday who will be doing hypnosis with me next time I see her. I am just struggling, I dont know why I feel like I do or how to overcome it. Any help will be greatly appreciated.

6 weeks is not a long time to recover from what you have been through.    It's actually a pretty short period of time.    I would suggest that you try not to see this as a set back but as a learning opportunity.    As an old timer here would say don't punch down on yourself.

After my Ex and I split up I saw her out and about a lot.    She engaged in some behavior that was very close to stalking.    She used to sit in the parking lot across from my condo.   She had a very distinctive car.    I couldn't miss it.   

Every time I saw that car I freaked out.    For about a year.    I had a very similar reaction to what you describe.

For me.    What my experience was, the reaction I was having was a reaction to trauma not codependency.

There's a type of trauma that causes CPTSD.  Complex post traumatic stress disorder.    CPTSD can be caused by being exposed to a lot of abuse/neglect/trauma over a long period of time.    It's often talked about in regards to children but it happens to adults too.

I was on this spectrum.   I might not have qualified for a diagnosis but I am sure I was having that type of stress reaction.    the reaction is called an emotional flash back.

In my case it was seeing the car  and I would flash back to the emotional state of fear hurt and panic.   It felt like the world was ending.

It sounds like you running into the friend sent you flashing back to the old emotions.   That's understandable.    And as unpleasant as it feels it's OK.    You will be all right.   He doesn't have the power to hurt you any longer.

What do you think?  Any of this make sense.

[Breakingpoint13]

Thank you, yes it does. since the final discard I have been doing everything I think possible to better myself. I have been reading everything I can to better understand BDP, and co dependency and as to why I ended up here in the first place. I know you know I still struggle with reading what he says at face value but I also understand that is because I have been so gaslighted. I forget what I've been through so I guess I need to be more patient with myself. However, I am just sad and this is not me, I want to become a happier version of me again. I was supposed to go under hypnosis last week but I couldnt because I just cried for a whole hour, so hopefully this week something better will come of it.

How did you get past this?

[babyducks]

I think what set me off tbh was this friend of his was there on his birthday when he attacked me and took the wingmirror off my car because I spent too long in the bathroom.

You associate this friend with violence and an attack.   It's not a conscious decision.   Your brain makes the association immediately.   It will trigger an exaggerated flight or fight reaction.  

There's a guy named Pete Walker who has done remarkable work with CPTSD and flash back management.   Linking to his website is beyond what I can do from the smart phone.   There's articles from and about him here on this site.  Take a look.

I learned to manage my flash backs.  Took a while and I had to work it but I can say it does get better.

[babyducks]

I forget what I've been through so I guess I need to be more patient with myself. However, I am just sad and this is not me, I want to become a happier version of me again.

Many of us here have been through emotionally violent experiences.   Many of us have been repeatedly terrorized by the people who claimed to love us.  Many of us have emotional flash backs or amygdala hijacks where we suddenly regress into intense and frightening feeling states.   You are not alone.

The first step to managing an emotional flash back is identifying that you are having one.    And that this is past memories resurfacing.   You are not powerless now.

[Breakingpoint13]

I hate just feeling like im not strong, I know this is a process I have to work through. I know I will come out a better person at the other side of this and I know I will find someone who loved me the way I loved him. I hate being in this cycle, but the pain in my chest is something that I have never felt before.

Thank you for your help, compassion and understanding. I am sorry that you also had to experience this.

[babyducks]

I hate just feeling like im not strong

Toxic shame and having a vicious inner critic is part of being in a trauma cycle.   Please please be mindful of that.    You are being critical of yourself for some thing you have almost no control over.

[I Am Redeemed]

www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

Being impacted by trauma doesn't mean you are not strong. Indeed, you have to be strong to reach out for help, as you are here and with a therapist.

I have complex PTSD. What has worked for me was finding a really good therapist who has helped me work through the trauma using EMDR and LENS therapy.

https://www.emdr.com/frequent-questions/

I agree with baby ducks that it sounds like you are having emotional flashbacks.

Pete Walker's site explains in detail about the inner critic. Often, we will internalize negative messages we received from being abused or mistreated by someone.

There are neurological reasons for PTSD. It's not just emotional or a result of being a "weak" person.

I'm learning to manage my flashbacks, too. It's a process. Six weeks out is very early on. In fact, sometimes it can take that long for the symptoms of trauma to really surface, in some cases.

Have compassion for yourself. This is hard stuff

[Breakingpoint13]

I am listening to the audiobook now, still in hysterics. I just feel so dizzy and now feel like I cant see clearly. The on, off of our relationship and I thought I was doing well. For two weeks after I called the police on him ( when he accused me of porn and got me fired from my job). I cried none stop, I got another job and what should have been such a happy time for me was just surrounded by hell, no matter what way I tried to look at it. I have changed everything I can, apart from move house, I have now got security cameras in but i still just feel on edge I guess. I hate this feeling.

I just feel like im not strong enough to deal with this "hard stuff" im tired.

[babyducks]

It's OK to turn the audio book off for now.

You're doing good work.    You don't want to push to far to fast.

It's OK to take a break and sit quietly for a while.

[EZEarache]

For two weeks after I called the police on him ( when he accused me of porn and got me fired from my job). I cried none stop, I got another job and what should have been such a happy time for me was just surrounded by hell, no matter what way I tried to look at it. I have changed everything I can, apart from move house, I have now got security cameras in but i still just feel on edge I guess. I hate this feeling.

I just feel like im not strong enough to deal with this "hard stuff" im tired.

I was feeling highly suicidal after my breakup for about a month and a half. I also had a painful, interaction with my ex's best friend, which made things a lot worse for me.  This was probably about 5 weeks after our breakup.

That week, I put myself on a low dose of anti-depressants and it really helped me A LOT. Looking back, I actually can't believe what a low I was in. Don't be afraid to talk to your therapist or primary care provider about medication if you are feeling suicidal. There is no shame in any of this. You've been through a lot.

I actually wish I had gone back on anti-depressants much earlier. I might have been able to prevent some of my negative reactions/amygdala hijack to my exwBPD and saved our family.

[Breakingpoint13]

I really don’t want to go in meds like that, I take htp5 which I feel help a lot but I would be lying if i said I hadn’t considered it today. My heart is still racing 100mph, I have cried all day, been and worked out in which normally always makes me feel better, but no bit today. I’m still in tears.

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I will feel alot better then. Thank you for the support, it means so much to think I’m not alone in this:

I didn’t feel suicidal but I wanted to cause pain else where to take it away from the pain in my chest, I haven’t felt this crap in a long time!

[khibomsis]

Beakingpoint, it is hard, we all have been there. Babyducks is right, the first step is recognizing you are having an emotional flshback. The second is to silence your inner critic. I did this by teling her I loved her. Worked The third is to ground yourself. Basically we dissassociate from our bodies during times of trauma, and you can find your way back through any of the senses: sight, sound, smell etc.
We each have to find our own tipple, essential oil (Rose geranium) and alpha waves work for me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzMmJ-YD2BE&t=573s With time you learn to resist amygdala hijack. It was a challenge, but I am glad if my experience can be of service to you.
 

[Breakingpoint13]

This will pass won’t it? I think, I’m not sure, I think his friend was just a reminder of  people and situations I. Never want to be around, I just need to learn how to deal with this if I see anyone else in the future. If this is how I react when I saw him, I can only imagine how I’d react if I saw my ex.

Has anyone had hypnosis to help with this?

[St Jude]

Breakingpoint,

I too am about 6 weeks into a separation.  A month before we officially separated my husband had a major episode, driving extremely erratically in the pouring rain screaming at the top of his lungs.  I truly felt like it was going to be my last night on earth.  I went to a hotel and puked my guts out for a couple days, also stayed with friends, and then finally we had the separation discussion once I was a little more stable and felt comfortable-ish to be around him.

I had always adamantly stayed away from medication but the gift of desperation had me calling up emergent psych care the morning after the car incident because I was in no way shape or form ‘ok’.  I am so grateful that I am on something, in addition to being in talk therapy.  I am calmer and more able to handle this separation process than I could have ever imagined.

I also had a divine push to head to the West Coast, a friend in Vegas suggested I go stay with her for a bit, and I wanted to immerse myself in nature and found myself traveling to Joshua Tree.  With everything remote now I was able to take my work with me and I found a hypnotherapy retreat right by where I was saying.  It was great.  Please private message me if you are interested in access to some materials I have before you’re able to get into your sessions.

It will all be ok in the end.  If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

[khibomsis]

It will pass, Breakingpoint. Give it time. 

[Breakingpoint13]

Thank you all. I thought I was doing ok until he randomly contacted me with no remorse.

St Jude I have sent you a direct message.

Slept alot better this morning, had a little cry, its just odd its not because I am missing or wanting him its the acceptance of what I position I have put myself in. Today will be a better day I am sure.

[Breakingpoint13]

Hi all,

I am just curious, once they split, which for me now has been the longest time. Do they always split back or are you painted black forever?

[babyducks]

One size does not fit all.

While there are common symptoms of the illness,  behavior can vary widely.   

It's the unique events and circumstances of each person's life that generates what they do.    Why they do it runs much the same.

[Breakingpoint13]

Hi babyducks, sorry I dont understand?

[babyducks]

Hi babyducks, sorry I dont understand?

People with BPD are still people.   Unique individuals who display the symptoms of the illness in many different ways.

think about arthritis.   No two people have arthritis in exactly the same way.    There is a lot of similarities but it isn't the same from person to person.

One pwBPD may cut ties and never be heard from again.    Another may keep up low grade contact.

One pwBPD could split into devaluation and never move on from that.   Another could toggle back and forth between idealization and devaluation.

It depends on the person and the unique events of their life.