How to help with conflict and destress

[Ali cat]

Hi, I am really struggling.
My daughter is with Cahms and is refusing to engage, they want to discharge her as she won’t engage due to anxiety and mistrust of being able to get understanding and validation.
She tells me she hates me I’m useless , I never listen , I constantly trigger her and says I always do the wrong thing.
She refuses to tell me how she wants me to help and says she has told me so many times before , but I’m so stressed it’s all a blank. She has tried to commit suicide multiple times, and they just send her home from a&e. The crisis team has stepped down saying they can’t do anything.
She is in constant physical pain  as well.
I need to help our relationship as I’m at a loss .
I have tried SET but she wants something from me more direct  how do I mange this . Please help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JD2028]

Hey mama,

First, breathe. You won't be able to help her if you are falling apart.

My daughter has had 2 stints in the psych ward over the last 4 mos (suicide attempts). You are not alone.

Unfortunately there is no one magic pill or technique to make it all better. If you don't have a therapist, I suggest you get one. Preferably one trained in DBT. Stay strong, good luck.

[Sancho]

Hi Ali cat
Sometimes the burden of caring for a loved one with this illness is unbearable. We go from one crisis to another, all the time searching for something - anything - that might change things for the better even in a small way.

In my experience, dealing with a BPD loved one is almost impossible because you are constantly being placed in a corner - they are emotionally distraught and turn to you for help. When you try to create or suggest options, they are totally dismissed in a flash.

 I spent so much energy finding the right moment to suggest something, holding out until a certain appointment, just praying that she would make it to that appointment. I spent so many sleepless nights wondering if she would survive that night.

Then I came across the 3 Cs - I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I can't cure it. It became a mantra and gradually I let go.

It's not so much that you stop supporting, it's stepping back from taking it upon yourself that you are totally responsible for whatever happens, whatever decisions your dd makes - and whatever is the outcome.

Small bouts of timeout can help. Is there anything that you do that supports you and nurtures you. Because you are important too,

I hope you keep coming here so you feel the same support that I do by knowing there are so many people who understand completely what you are going through.