So, I think it is finally over, and kind of

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was working on the other board of trying to better the relationship, but now we have progressed here. The reality is that I have known the relationship was unhealthy for me and my children for a long time. My pwBPD and I had five+ years together, and there were so many times it was so painful and I wanted to leave, but I let myself be so emotionally manipulated that I kept staying. It was the usual.

She would say I had no right to leave because we had invested so much time. I had no right to leave because she had given me so much. At one point I wanted so badly to leave, but she said that if I wanted to leave and her to leave me alone I had to pay her $6000 to make up for all she invested.  I was so desperate that I went to the bank and withdrew the money in cash. I gave her the money if she only promised not to contact me because I knew I was too weak to not let myself get manipulated back into the relationship.  Of course she kept finding different ways to message me, and I gave in and went back.  At one point she said that she didn't want to be lonely, and she had to find someone new before I was allowed to leave (pretty dumb that a grown man needs to be allowed to leave, I know).  I said she could date but as soon as she found someone she needed to be honest and let me go. Well, that was a year ago as well, she dated a bit, but when I said it was time to let me go, she said she told all the guys to stay away so she could be with me. I stayed again.

So, fast forward through another year of misery and hell interspersed with some glimpses of hope,  we finally got to the point where she said she didn't want to be with me. She told me how horrible I was. She said she had a new relationship and she doesn't want me getting in the way. She wants to cut all ties. I need to return any of her stuff by Monday. She stores her kayaks at my house because my garage has more rooms. This is the big thing I have to return. She is going to block me on all forms of communication. She feels so relieved that she can finally move on.

Honestly, I felt relieved. Sad because of what might have been if it hadn't been for stupid BPD, but relieved. Ready to move on. I'd been ready to move on for a long time.

Well, fast forward the next day, and she is like, "Maybe we can just leave the kayaks at your house."   "We should still work out and go to the gym together each day." "We should still be friends. I like our chats"

Now, I am kind of a conflict avoiding wimp so I am like fine, we can be friends, but I am pretty certain she is angling to have us be not broken up. I don't even know if this "new relationship" is real or one of her weird lies to make me jealous. I honestly don't care and told her that she deserves to be happy and I hope it works out with the new dude.

Anyway, I am terrified I am going to backslide and give i and this is just her way of sliding back in slowly but surely. I just kind of need this nightmare over, but I continue to let myself be manipulated by her. I realize this is my choice and I could just say no contact, but I am where and who I am.

Thanks

[Dad50]

I was working on the other board of trying to better the relationship, but now we have progressed here. The reality is that I have known the relationship was unhealthy for me and my children for a long time. My pwBPD and I had five+ years together, and there were so many times it was so painful and I wanted to leave, but I let myself be so emotionally manipulated that I kept staying. It was the usual.

She would say I had no right to leave because we had invested so much time. I had no right to leave because she had given me so much. At one point I wanted so badly to leave, but she said that if I wanted to leave and her to leave me alone I had to pay her $6000 to make up for all she invested.  I was so desperate that I went to the bank and withdrew the money in cash. I gave her the money if she only promised not to contact me because I knew I was too weak to not let myself get manipulated back into the relationship.  Of course she kept finding different ways to message me, and I gave in and went back.  At one point she said that she didn't want to be lonely, and she had to find someone new before I was allowed to leave (pretty dumb that a grown man needs to be allowed to leave, I know).  I said she could date but as soon as she found someone she needed to be honest and let me go. Well, that was a year ago as well, she dated a bit, but when I said it was time to let me go, she said she told all the guys to stay away so she could be with me. I stayed again.

So, fast forward through another year of misery and hell interspersed with some glimpses of hope,  we finally got to the point where she said she didn't want to be with me. She told me how horrible I was. She said she had a new relationship and she doesn't want me getting in the way. She wants to cut all ties. I need to return any of her stuff by Monday. She stores her kayaks at my house because my garage has more rooms. This is the big thing I have to return. She is going to block me on all forms of communication. She feels so relieved that she can finally move on.

Honestly, I felt relieved. Sad because of what might have been if it hadn't been for stupid BPD, but relieved. Ready to move on. I'd been ready to move on for a long time.

Well, fast forward the next day, and she is like, "Maybe we can just leave the kayaks at your house."   "We should still work out and go to the gym together each day." "We should still be friends. I like our chats"

Now, I am kind of a conflict avoiding wimp so I am like fine, we can be friends, but I am pretty certain she is angling to have us be not broken up. I don't even know if this "new relationship" is real or one of her weird lies to make me jealous. I honestly don't care and told her that she deserves to be happy and I hope it works out with the new dude.

Anyway, I am terrified I am going to backslide and give i and this is just her way of sliding back in slowly but surely. I just kind of need this nightmare over, but I continue to let myself be manipulated by her. I realize this is my choice and I could just say no contact, but I am where and who I am.

Thanks

[Rev]

Hey Dad50

So I hear you about not backsliding.

I did two things that really helped.

1) I did three sessions of CBT to get a handle on how to "stay in my rational brain" as my therapist said.

2) Had 3 friends who knew the full extent of where I was at emotionally and who helped bring me back. This meant that I had a whole other part of my life where I lived as if I had been single for a long time.

3) Had a mentor who held me accountable to keep moving forward, especially went it felt counter intuitive to do so.

Hope this provides some insights for you.

Sorry but also not sorry you're here. BPD relationships can cause lasting damage. Hang in there. 

Rev

[khibomsis]

Dad50, welcome to this board! I have been reading your posts on the bettering board, and I know it is always a comfort to feel that you have done your best to make it work.
I stayed friends with my pwBPD, it is working great. We were friends for many years before we started dating and we are both in therapy working hard on our issues. That does not seem to be the case for you?
I feel sure you should respect your instincts and run away from the friendly overtures. I think the truth is it wasn't working for either of you. You were happy in a holding pattern while your kids were growing up, she was not. She wanted more of you than you could give, feared losing you, and became jealous and controlling as a result. You were not getting enough time for yourself and getting pretty frustrated. In the meantime she  was under permission to date others thus having the best of both worlds.At least that is how I read your posts?
Boundaries are just as important in detaching as they are in bettering. Encourage her to fetch her own kayak. Let her put herself through her workout. Keep putting her problems back on her to solve and she should soon observe a respectful distance.
Rev makes some excellent suggestions. Indeed a good breakup is better than a bad relationship.

[Dad50]

Rev,

    Thanks for those suggestions.  The second one is huge because I have hid behind shame and guilt in this relationship for so long, and didn't share with anyone. I felt like if I shared what was going on they would think I was crazy to stay, a PLEASE READty dad, and overall just wouldn't understand, but when I pretended like everything was fine it felt like a lie, so I kind of just isolated myself. In hindsight I think this was kind of the goal of my pwBPD. Even when she finally decided to break up with me she asked that we just keep it between us. Like we don't tell anyone we were broken up. I guess that in and of itself is kind of different. So, anyway, the support on reaching out to others is hard but well heard. Finding an accountability mentor is a good idea. I see my therapist tomorrow, and will have a lot to talk about.

Khibomsis,
    Thanks for your support. I am in therapy, but my pwBPD is not. She actually saw a therapist for a few months, but she is a therapist herself, and basically told the therapist enough so that the therapist said she was in perfect mental health and it was everyone else. That is what made and makes it seem kind of hopeless. I feel bad for her because she is so caught up in her insecurities, but I think it would destroy her psyche to just say, "Yeah, I'm feeling unsure and insecure, maybe I need help."  Your overall reading of the situation is pretty accurate. Thanks.

[khibomsis]

You are welcome Dad50!
I am horrified to think that a therapist is allowed to practice without being in therapy herself. In my country regular supervision is a condition for licensing. But maybe your ex is like my uNBPD mom, very high functioning at work, loved by everyone, but an emotional trainwreck at home. One of the most difficult things I had to forgive my uNBPD mom for when she died was the way she set me up for abuse later in life. I simply have such high distress tolerance that it takes A LOT for me to even notice it is abuse. In short, I think you are doing the right thing for your kids. They are at a difficult age and the last thing you want is to be normalizing high conflict relationships.

[Rev]

Rev,

     The second one is huge because I have hid behind shame and guilt in this relationship for so long, and didn't share with anyone. I felt like if I shared what was going on they would think I was crazy to stay, a PLEASE READty dad, and overall just wouldn't understand, but when I pretended like everything was fine it felt like a lie, so I kind of just isolated myself.

A year ago I completed a Master's level research paper - I consulted close to 100 articles and cited 70 of them - so it was pretty exhaustive. What you state here came up again and again. This is very typical of men. The research shows that the situation needs to hit a crisis point for us to talk about it. I was no different. [/b]

In hindsight I think this was kind of the goal of my pwBPD. Even when she finally decided to break up with me she asked that we just keep it between us. Like we don't tell anyone we were broken up. I guess that in and of itself is kind of different.

Actually, this is pretty typical. The same thing happened to me. Understand that this is likely coming from her need to control - the control is likely a way to self-soothe. Over 70 % of female abusers have mental healthy issues - at least according to the research I did.  pwBPD are laden with shame. In my case, my ex was still trying to work things out a year later. She ended the relationship - so you'd think a year later she'd be over it. But no, it was still something she was publicly working out.

So, anyway, the support on reaching out to others is hard but well heard.

The fear of it is worse than actually saying something. Those that know you will maybe let you know that they've been wanting to say something, but didn't know what to say, or didn't want to pry into your business. I got a lot of that. One person even told me that "we've been worried about you". And I'm like saying to myself, well then why didn't you say anything?  But you know, people mean well.


 Finding an accountability mentor is a good idea. I see my therapist tomorrow, and will have a lot to talk about.

Great idea.

You're doing awesome.

Give yourself time. You'll get there.

Rev

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dad50,  I suggest you do what's right for you.  Listen to your gut feelings.  From what you are saying, it seems like you have been living a lie.  I should know, because for a long time I did the same.  I pretended things were OK when they were definitely not OK.  Like you, I was afraid/embarrassed to share what was really going on inside my marriage to a pwBPD.  No more.  Now I strive for authenticity.  I suggest you do the same.  As Nietzsche said, "Become who you are!"  Get back to being who you are at your core.  You get the idea.

LuckyJim