Where to draw the line?

[mdhloveBPD]

Hello,

New here.  My significant other has suspected BPD.  Due to a series of events where abusive and unacceptable behavior occurred, I have asked him to move out so that we can have space to heal and learn how to reconnect through therapy.  I felt that 6 months was a reasonable period to shoot for in order to do all of this work on ourselves and our issues as a couple.  I'm struggling with the feelings of anger/pain and then feeling extreme love and endless forgiveness, guilt and loss.  The more boundaries I set to keep myself and family safe, the more accusatory he becomes and makes me feel that actually I have always been the problem.  He says I have been continually abandoning him and abusing him for years and he has been miserable, but I don't feel that he ever gave me any indication of that.  I'm more than willing to work on my flaws as a partner and work through the tough stuff in our relationship.  The more I try to support him through recovery, the more he pushes me away.  We had the best relationship for 5 years, though there were signs (explosive anger over small things) now that I am looking back.  But now, I have no idea who this man is, he has hurt me again and again and then instead of apologizing and trying to repair the relationship he gets more and more angry at me.  The stories he is telling himself, the ways I have hurt and betrayed him, are things that never happened or have been twisted and skewed to an unrecognizable state.  He makes me feel guilty for keeping him from moving back in just yet, yet he is still displaying these bouts of rage, verbally assaulting me, damaging property, that leave me feeling small and vulnerable.  I start to question myself...did I call him stupid?  I don't remember saying that and it doesn't seem like something I would normally say, even when angry.  Did I continually reject him?  I remember multiple days every week where we connected physically and emotionally.  I'm having a hard time not doubting my own sanity.  The only reason I set the boundary and made him leave was because his rage got way out of hand in front of our children.  Why am I okay with all of the horrible things he has said and done to me?  I want him home, I love him.  I just want him to get help and stop scaring me and my kids.  Anyone out there have similar experiences?  Any positive outcomes?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Thanks for sharing your story with us! I applaud your courage in asking him to move out. I have no doubt that you love him and that you want this to work out.

How long has it been since he moved out? How often is therapy and how often do you talk? I'm asking because it sounds like the separation is pretty new, is that right?

I considered myself a fairly secure and self-assured person, but after about 5 years of being around my BPD MIL, I didn't know which end was up. Nothing made me feel upside down like dealing with a person with BPD. I finally opened up and started talking to people, and it was their reactions of shock that made me realize that I wasn't dealing with normal behavior.

pwBPD struggle with rejection so this is particularly painful for your SO. He's projecting his behavior onto you, which is very common. It doesn't make the things he's saying true. You can have empathy for his experience and the pain he's feeling, but it doesn't mean you have to change your boundaries of separation, or feel badly for something you didn't do or say. It's not yours, so don't take it on.

The most important thing you can do with your time is heal as an individual, grieve and find your bearing. You can learn how to use the tools here to better manage your relationship with him. How are your kids doing?

[mdhloveBPD]

I appreciate your response. He has been out of the house for a month now. Before that he had moved out twice over the last 2 months, on his own accord, furiously grabbing everything he could fit in his car and making a dramatic exit. Every other day the mood shifts from “I’m so sorry, I know I have caused all of this” to the very next day “you are the reason this all happened, if you would just admit what you have done, if you would just let me come home so we don’t grow apart”.. I can’t and will not put the girls back in that chaos again. He and I need to figure out how to manage this without creating an unstable and scary environment. However, since he moved out he has just continued to spiral. He is insisting that I just need to be accountable for my actions- but the accusations are not true! He truly believes they happened and that I am the one who needs professional help because I don’t remember. We went to a couples therapist that was great and i have been begging for him to go back - but today he doesn’t see the point in any of it, “we are just too different” and I’m “not being accountable”, so why bother with therapy. I feel like I’ve been on the worlds longest roller coaster. I hate being treated this way, I hate that he feels I am hurting him, but I no idea how to deal with this. I have been so forgiving, I admitted where I needed to do better as a partner,  and I am reaching out to him and offering support.   Yet he finds a way to see me as doing absolutely no work to save the relationship. I try to reason with him and point out all the ways that is not true- what I have been doing to show him I love him and want to be with him, all the while he has been the one pushing me away and trying to intentionally hurt me because I “abandoned him” when I left the house for 5 days after a long night of verbal annihilation. I was the one hurting because of his actions and he turned it around and made me the bad guy for taking some space.
The kids are good. We both brought one girl to the relationship, his 11 year old daughter went with him when he left but she knows she is always welcome to stay with me ( only live a mile away) . My 14 yo daughter is happier and more engaged then she has been in a long time because she doesn’t have to hear the constant bickering or walk on eggshells. She is hurt by what she saw though and Trust will have to be rebuilt.  I know I need at least 6 months to make sure the unacceptable behaviors that have happened will not happen again or at least we will know how to diffuse them. I also need that time for the girls to heal and let the memories of what they witnessed become a vague memory with time. I’m terrified if I detach and let go- that I will lose him forever.

[pursuingJoy]

I know the girls are thankful that you have their interests in mind. Healing will take time and it sounds like you made a wise decision on their behalf. Are they open to therapy?

I try to reason with him and point out all the ways that is not true- what I have been doing to show him I love him and want to be with him, all the while he has been the one pushing me away and trying to intentionally hurt me because I “abandoned him” when I left the house for 5 days after a long night of verbal annihilation.

Your reasons for leaving were 100% valid but with his reactions he's telling you he can't absorb that right now. You're likely invalidating his feelings by trying to reason with him. We call it JADEing - Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain - and we try to avoid it when our loved ones are upset. There's a way to validate his feelings, even when what he's saying isn't true. Validating can lead to a more productive conversation.

If you click on the tools tab above, check out the article entitled "Don't be Invalidating." I've read it a 100 times and am still learning. I still invalidate people without meaning to.

I was the one hurting because of his actions and he turned it around and made me the bad guy for taking some space.

That is exactly what happened. He can't see it, and maybe never will. I know you're hurting too, and if he'd only listen and try to understand, maybe you could repair your relationship. The reality is, at least for now, that he can't see your side of this. It doesn't change the truth, does it? It also doesn't mean that all is lost. Accept that he is where he is, release him from the expectation to understand (because right now that's frustrating both of you), and find support through your network. Change the way you're having the conversation.

I also separated from my H with 3 little kids. I know how hard that was. Taking up space is really healthy and ok. Think about what you modeled to the girls! Bravo.   We see you and can fully understand and support your decision.

I’m terrified if I detach and let go- that I will lose him forever.

Can you explain? What do you mean by detach and let go?

[mdhloveBPD]

What do I mean by detach and let go? I had to think about that one. I mean I have to let go/detach from the outcome. I have to move forward and take care of myself instead of obsessing about the fact that he may not come back or that he truly doesn’t love me anymore. I have to accept the fact that the man I have been in love with for 5 years, may not exist anymore. That he may now always see me as abusive and unsupportive, and if he doesn’t give me a chance to give him a different experience, I can’t change that.  If he doesn’t want to try to move forward in therapy, I can’t change that. If he decides he is going to see other people, I can’t change that. There is only one thing I can change and that is myself.  I can choose to have faith that I am doing my best here and there is a plan even if I don’t see it.  I think that’s what I meant by detach and let go.
I appreciate the article about not being invalidating,  I certainly wish I would have read that a long time ago and could of been more patient and validated his feelings instead of getting defensive.

[pursuingJoy]

I can choose to have faith that I am doing my best here and there is a plan even if I don’t see it. 

Thanks for explaining. I totally understand. It's a scary choice to make when you can't guarantee the outcome. It was a choice that I made and on the other end of it, I'm thankful every day that I did. My counselor at the time compared it to burying a seed. No matter what, the current relationship needed to be buried and die. It was the only thing that would make it possible for the relationship to blossom into something new, if that's what was meant to be.

I appreciate the article about not being invalidating,  I certainly wish I would have read that a long time ago and could of been more patient and validated his feelings instead of getting defensive.

This technique takes time to learn and it's so counterituitive at first. I use it in multiple relationships, from work to kids! It serves to keep emotions manageable when people are dysregulating but it doesn't fix BPD. Just don't get hung up on thinking that it might have changed the outcome.