First Mediation Tomorrow D:

[dustyandbiscuit]

I feel awfully selfish to only engage with the forums when reaching a point of extreme anxiety and feel it's important to acknowledge this even though a brief display of self awareness doesn't make me any less of an a-hole.

I am UK-based and have my first mediation session with my ex tomorrow. If anyone has any experience of mediation (covering childcare split, finances and property) I would really appreciate hearing from you.

Some brief bits of info:
- Spouse (female but now identifies as non-binary) and I have 2 children, one 5yo (mine biologically) and one 14yo (not mine biologically, hasn't seen his dad since he was 2yo)
- We've been living in the same house for 7 months after separating (for the second time in 2.5 years)
- Spouse previously had a trip to A&E during last separation, presenting as suicidal and having self-harmed. I had thought that this was due to a 'moment of realisation', they told me they were extremely sorry and wanted the marriage to work but the same behaviour pattern emerged two years later and we agreed to separate. After the trip to A&E we discussed potential BPD, but this was never diagnosed and they haven't engaged with the support that was offered thereafter.
- I commenced the separation process and their invitation to mediation was sent on 29th March '21, I eventually managed to get a response from them (2nd July '21) by giving a deadline which, if not met, would mean I would have to progress our separation to court (it was the nicest but momst assertive bit of writing I think I've ever done and I should've done it way sooner).

So, my intentions are to get divorced but I want to ensure that our agreement regarding separation is as amicable as possible while still being conducted in front of a professional as witness. I hope this will give us both the best chance of agreeing a fair outcome on both parts that has the best interests of the children at the centre of everything that is agreed. Mediation feels like the first step towards giving an amicable separation our best shot. Spouse has really dragged their feet but we've finally reached a point where we are due to actually start the process.

Mediation session number one is tomorrow. Needless to say there is a poo farm in me pants (sorry, trying to find the humour in what is the most difficult thing I've ever had to go through)...

It's my intention to treat them fairly, and I would like to propose a 50% split of the children's time, putting emphasis on giving 14yo freedom to make his own decisions while same time not putting pressure on him to choose between us. I want to sell the marital home and split the money down the middle, giving us both the best opportunity to rebuild our lives and spend the money on supporting the boys.

I am very nervous as to what 'version' of my spouse will turn up tomorrow. They have previously said that they intend to split the childcare to alternate weekends and giving me access one night per week - this equates to 8 days out of 30/31 which I don't find acceptable and feel is not in the best interests of the boys as I do the majority of educational support, engaging with healthcare professionals etc. It is my honest opinion that the children will not be supported sufficiently under the sole care of my spouse which cause major concern for me with regards to their emotional, physical and mental wellbeing.

My questions are:
- I know I need to be seen to be cooperative in the process, so should I enter the conversation asking for more than expecting and then in turn 'compromising' to meet an acceptable level of childcare split?
- If my spouse digs their heels in (through wanting to 'win', or simply because their experience of split with their own parents is as they proposed to me), what should I do?

Thanks so much and sorry for being flaky

[kells76]

Hey, welcome back! I have to leave work but just wanted to acknowledge your post, and super quickly say to this:

should I enter the conversation asking for more than expecting and then in turn 'compromising' to meet an acceptable level of childcare split?

YES

Don't open with your actual offer. Leave yourself room to negotiate "down" to what you see as best for the kids.

Super fast but hopefully more later...

kells76

[dustyandbiscuit]

You absolute legend, thank you so so much. Hugely appreciate the mega-quick answer

[GaGrl]

I used mediation in my divorce, and I am also trained as a mediator (HR work in large corporations). Do you know what the format of the mediation session -- both you and STBX in a room together with the mediator, separate rooms with the mediator moving back and forth between you, some other setup?

If you have separate sessions with the mediator prior to beginning the actual negotiations, you can tell the M that you will begin with your ideal offer, but that you have a bottom line, and if mediation cannot get to do least your bottom line (50-50), you won't be able to continue negotiations. The M needs to know you are negotiating in good faith but that you won't waste time if STBX is intractable.I

You can come to an agreement on some of your points without agreeing on all. For example, you could settle property without settling custody.

[kells76]

Another quick thought:

pwBPD often have a pathological need to be "winning" or "on top", and to have another person be "losing" or "on the bottom". This makes coming to "win-win" agreements exceptionally difficult, as some pwBPD will go so far as to self-sabotage (i.e., it ends up "lose-lose") rather than have two winners or, worst case scenario, you win and they lose.

So, with that in mind, come up with a mental list ahead of time of areas you'd be willing to compromise, or give to your ex, in order to get something substantially worthwhile for yourself, while she feels like she "won" or "got one over on you".

For example, my husband was willing to give the kids' mom Christmas Day every year, but he got Christmas Eve every year. If you can let go of events having to happen on the calendar day, this is very liberating. Plus, it means we get to do Christmas with the kids before they're all burned out on celebrating. Sometimes we even bump "Christmas" to a week or two beforehand. The kids generally love it.

What I do wish he'd gotten out of it was more decision making power. But that's a story for another day.

So if you see equal decision making, or tie-breaker role, or address for school purposes as "must haves", be prepared to "dangle" some other things at her that will make her feel like she "won" and you "lost" even if the trade is for something more long-term beneficial.

I.e., maybe you trade Christmas Day every year away, but get tie-breaker on education, residence, and medical decisions.

Food for thought...

kells76

[dustyandbiscuit]

I used mediation in my divorce, and I am also trained as a mediator (HR work in large corporations). Do you know what the format of the mediation session -- both you and STBX in a room together with the mediator, separate rooms with the mediator moving back and forth between you, some other setup?

If you have separate sessions with the mediator prior to beginning the actual negotiations, you can tell the M that you will begin with your ideal offer, but that you have a bottom line, and if mediation cannot get to do least your bottom line (50-50), you won't be able to continue negotiations. The M needs to know you are negotiating in good faith but that you won't waste time if STBX is intractable.I

You can come to an agreement on some of your points without agreeing on all. For example, you could settle property without settling custody.

Woah, thank you so much for your reply and for sharing your expertise, what an incredible support to have. Was mediation useful for you?

The session is remote over Zoom as the mediator we are using is being careful about covid stuff - I suspect we’ll be in separate rooms on the same zoom call.

We have had our separate sessions where I explained the situation and what I want to achieve, although it was so long ago I don’t remember if I set out my stall with reference to the childcare split. I remember the mediator not wanting to get drawn into the detail much more than what it is we’d be discussion and it was explained to me that the MOU that’ll be drawn up afterwards can be as detailed as we want it to be (I’d raised concerns about the cleanliness/sanitary conditions the boys would live in under spouses sole care).

We have 3 sessions (at least) planned, to sort out childcare split, the property and the finances.

I am really nervous, but know this is a means to an end for a better future for all of us, spouse included. They, and the boys deserve the absolute best and I just pray that we can remain on good terms so that the children are supported as they deserve - I acknowledge that this is a two way thing so I’ll need to be open to hearing spouse and adjusting to reasonable concerns they may have too.

[GaGrl]

Mediation worked for me, but my ex isn't personality disordered. My husband's ex is uBPD/NPD, and their divorce took over nine months -- no child custody (adult children), agreement on property, no-fault. She simply refused to participate much of the time.

[ForeverDad]

What rights do you have for parenting your non-biological teenager?  Is he getting child support from his absent father?

While what sort of parenting time your youngest would like - quite young - is not up to the child, the older boy is nearly grown and his wishes may be considered.  Soon he can drive and may "vote with his feet" anyway.  What would his perspective probably be?

So I would lean toward viewing yourself as having a greater legal obligation to parenting the youngest.  (This is not to discount the importance of your older son.)  As disclaimer I haven't reviewed your past posts, but I always default to the stable parent seeking to have the best (or least bad) parenting schedule and authority possible.  While 50/50 is of course better than alternate weekends - that's a no-brainer - it doesn't resolve the potential for future conflict.  Being on an equal standing with the other parent could leave you stuck whenever she decides to obstruct.  So do try to have some better leverage than seemingly fair 50/50.

In my case, I was in an alternate weekend temp order and I knew the professionals wished to exit the divorce with a move up to equal time.  I foresaw problems and set my sole additional term that I also become the parent responsible for schooling.  Lawyers were confounded, claiming no benefit.  But I knew better.  By being in control of schooling I didn't have to follow her around as she moved (which she did a few times, once out of the county).  Also, her school was able to get rid of us the next time she created a scene with them.  If she remained in charge of school, they would have been stuck with her.