Glossing over?

[Firsttimefather]

I can’t complain about things being ‘back on track’. In mAny ways things are seemingly better than ever. New medicine maybe partly responsible. I was wondering how folks deal with the ‘glossing over’( for lack of a better term)  that seems to occur. Not that there is much a point in looking back and definitely that eggshell feeling of not wanting to trigger any negative fallout. I sometimes refer to it in my mind as some sort of emotional immaturity; the lack of discussion or check in regarding the splitting. Curiously is it erased from her(bpd) mind? Is there a memory of the dichotomous thinking, the negative outlook toward me and our relationship? Now it is all pleasant, like it never even happened (glossing) Almost to the point of one giant gaslighting scenario. I am curious for insight into if the vilification is remembered by bpd partners. I am happy moving forward, don’t get me wrong. I was just wondering other folks experiences or insights into this and how others have coped or learned to cope with this? Again I don’t see a lot of value in looking back too intently,I don’t think it will solve or fix anything but as we mover forward is this just a void in our past, some sort of black hole just forgotten about? Is this my body partner coping with the stress; just forgetting about it or is it not by choice? Thank you everyone. I continue improving upon myself however I feel I ‘slipped’ a bit amd say smoked a cigarette I didn’t really want (I quit smoking when we met) or had a couple tequila shots last night. However I go to the gym every other day if not daily, continue eating well and just in general self-care. Scheduling counseling as we speak…thanks again for listening .

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[kells76]

Firsttimefather, not sure if you check out the other boards here; the "parent/sibling/inlaw" board has a thread about exactly your question:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=350261.0

It sounds like whatever the relationship of the pwBPD (romantic partner, parent, sibling, child, etc), it's not uncommon for there to be a "dry erase board" mentality about the pwBPD's hurtfulness in the past.

Emotional immaturity, as you're thinking, is probably a big part of it. Emotionally mature people have tools and skills to deal with shame and guilt about hurting others. Emotionally immature people don't have healthy ways to cope with how bad it feels to have been hurtful, and employ more primitive mechanisms to not feel the shame.

...

And hey... I get it about the feeling of "slipping". We want to be better, to do better, and yet when we're under immense stress, we find ourselves leaning on old habits for maybe a quick hit of feeling OK. We have a smoke, or a drink, or (me) waste time online, or whatever, because life is hard and it's just true that we don't always do what our higher values would indicate. What's important, though, that I see you doing, is recognizing that you did something outside of your values (having a smoke). You're not "forgetting" you did it, or blaming someone else for "making you smoke", or minimizing it, or rationalizing "it was OK because". You're facing it as real, acknowledging it, and deciding how you want to move forward.

That's an excellent example of using more mature tools to face shame or guilt.

[Jessica84]

Wow, the explanation above makes so much sense. My BPDbf used to break up with me constantly. It hurt every time. We have been stable for a few years now, but the first years were rough. Recently we saw a movie where a couple was on/off/on/off. I slipped up and said "whew, I don't miss those days" and he said "we never did that". He literally wiped it from his memory! It was my history too but not worth bringing up.

I don't think it's their intent to gaslight or deceive. It's a default coping mechanism that works for them, as long as no one tries to correct them. I'm good with letting us each have our own memories of the past, however opposite and distorted they may be.