I cut them all

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

Just dropping a line about a recent occurrence.

Last week I decided to cut every unhealthy woman out of my life. Over time, I have drawn a lot of "damaged" woman to me due to the fact - I now know - that I'm a "saver" and find worth in fixing people.

I noticed that, when I sat down and thought about it, these friendships a) only bring constant drama to my life b) i never get anything in return in terms of support, or even deeper friendship bonding.

Although it's only been a week or two, my life is now...well...boring. It's as if my mind is craving drama to fix. But the peace is actually nice.

That was step one. Step two is that I am only going to allow healthy people into my life now. If I feel as though I am drawn to save them, that's an instant "no thanks, but thanks"

[grumpydonut]

Hi all,

Just dropping a line about a recent occurrence.

Last week I decided to cut every unhealthy woman out of my life. Over time, I have drawn a lot of "damaged" woman to me due to the fact - I now know - that I'm a "saver" and find worth in fixing people.

I noticed that, when I sat down and thought about it, these friendships a) only bring constant drama to my life b) i never get anything in return in terms of support, or even deeper friendship bonding.

Although it's only been a week or two, my life is now...well...boring. It's as if my mind is craving drama to fix. But the peace is actually nice.

That was step one. Step two is that I am only going to allow healthy people into my life now. If I feel as though I am drawn to save them, that's an instant "no thanks, but thanks"

[Scarredheart]

I now know - that I'm a "saver" and find worth in fixing people.

I can relate to that. Very much. My mother was for a large part of her life lived in the home, but was mostly neglected by my father who was consumed with his work. I saw the loneliness and the hurt in her eyes every day and tried to be there for her. As an adult I've found that I am attracted to women that are hurting, because I want to "save them" too.

I now know that it's not my job to fix them or save them. They have to do that for themselves. I no longer pursue damaged women and do everything I can to keep an eye out for those red flags and act accordingly. I don't think the inclinations will ever truly leave me as I will always have a soft spot for women who hurt, but I won't allow myself to become someone's emotional food source.

Congrats on taking the steps you have to change your life for the better.

[Selfishsally]

Ugh why are we all "fixers"!
Do 2 emotional caregivers ever get together or is that impossible because they both need something take care of?

Anyway, grumpydonut is it only women you try to fix?

[Scarredheart]

Do 2 emotional caregivers ever get together or is that impossible because they both need something take care of?

I wonder if that would work well! In theory I'd see it as people both fixating on the happiness of the other person, but in reality... Dunno. Kinda curious now 

[Selfishsally]

I wonder if that would work well! In theory I'd see it as people both fixating on the happiness of the other person, but in reality... Dunno. Kinda curious now 

Well, some of us will never know. Maybe you will find out one day. You would have to report back your findings!

[Scarredheart]

Well, some of us will never know. Maybe you will find out one day. You would have to report back your findings!

If I find out, I’ll be sure to report my findings. 

[grumpydonut]

Grumpydonut is it only women you try to fix?

Yeah, big time. My guy friends are slightly on the depressed / apathetic side, but not in need of saving. I have only ever dated one woman who wasn't suffering from anxiety / depression or didn't have a cluster-B personality. And that goes all the back to my primary school days!

[Selfishsally]

Yeah, big time. My guy friends are slightly on the depressed / apathetic side, but not in need of saving. I have only ever dated one woman who wasn't suffering from anxiety / depression or didn't have a cluster-B personality. And that goes all the back to my primary school days!

Well, that sounds frustrating!  You will have to report back your findings as well when you fine these healthy people you speak of.

[Sappho11]

Good on you, grumpydonut!

I've cut out many people over the course of my life, too. Never once regretted it. Most of the people who end up on this forum have an above-average patience with other people. I believe that if a person like that thinks "I need to cut this toxic relationship out of my life", this step is long overdue.

I don't know about you, but after such "terminations" I usually feel the need to get away from socialising altogether, and I deliberately retreat from the world for a week or two, at least as much as my profession will let me get away with. It's a platitude but I find the older I get, the stronger this desire becomes.

Do let me know if you find healthy people. Maybe I attract the wrong crowd, but I'm hard-pressed to think of anyone I know who has no psychological issues. All my close friends have something or other, and my colleagues seem, too. Then again, I work in the arts, which is an epic breeding ground for all sorts of neuroses, and probably attracts "eccentric" types... ironically, I first fell for my BPDex because before we got together, he seemed so normal and well-adjusted in comparison. Well, we all know how that went.  

[TheBatHammer]

Tell me about it. I'm in the theatre crowd. Pretty sure mental illness or some version of social anxiety/disorder is a prerequisite for it. The arts seem to be how we heal.

[Cromwell]

hi grumpydonut

the label of a "saver" has another meaning. One that saves, not neccessarily another person.

im a saver, just not for my ex. Ive sinced saved a lot of cash, time, energy not being in emotional based linkage.

I was a saver when i met her, and still am, but of a different mutation or strain.

The relationship I had was also at times the worst combo on some days. Neither exciting, or titillating plus drama plus BPD = fun

more like. boring + drama + toxicity

the rollercoaster analogy only works for me if to see it as entirely chaotic and convoluted track. nothing neatly fits a set theory or pattern, it is by defintion disordered and lets stick to that for accuracy and precision.

if you want to tell me that these type of relationships were never boring, thats fine.

[Selfishsally]

the label of a "saver" has another meaning. One that saves, not neccessarily another person.

im a saver, just not for my ex. Ive sinced saved a lot of cash, time, energy not being in emotional based linkage.

I was a saver when i met her, and still am, but of a different mutation or strain.

That is awesome!  I love this!

[grumpydonut]

I believe that if a person like that thinks "I need to cut this toxic relationship out of my life", this step is long overdue.

I usually wait until well beyond that stage, hoping things will change, and having shame when I do cut.

Just pushing through the shame now, and doing what suits me, not solely others.

[ILMBPDC]

Congratulations GrumpyDonut! 

I noticed that, when I sat down and thought about it, these friendships a) only bring constant drama to my life b) i never get anything in return in terms of support, or even deeper friendship bonding.

I get this - for me I don't end up with chaotic friends but my relationships are all chaotic - which is funny considering I value simplicity and peace and NOT chaos. Yet I am attracted to men who are broken and bring chaos to my life. It SUCKS.

Step two is that I am only going to allow healthy people into my life now. If I feel as though I am drawn to save them, that's an instant "no thanks, but thanks"

This is what I am working toward. I look forward to seeing your journey and results!

[grumpydonut]

Yet I am attracted to men who are broken and bring chaos to my life. It SUCKS

Replace men with women, and that is my life, haha. I am never attracted to normal women, as my brain instantly says "boring". I am trying to change that, but how does one change attraction?

[Scarredheart]

Replace men with women, and that is my life, haha. I am never attracted to normal women, as my brain instantly says "boring". I am trying to change that, but how does one change attraction?

IMHO by involving your head more and your heart less early on. That’s what I’m going to be aiming for.

[B53]

I’m not worried about looking for drama or a need to save people, I’m more worried that I will never totally trust anyone again. Nothing that was said was correct, not the love bombing and not the words when I was painted black. I believed it to real at the time. Who is to say that I will be able to tell the difference in the future.

[grumpydonut]

Fair point, B53.

I think I have a simple solution for that - watch actions, not words. If they don't match, then you have a red flag to explore. If I had have used this approach with my exwBPD, the end result would have been so obvious to me.

[once removed]

I am trying to change that, but how does one change attraction?

perhaps the most humbling thing i ever heard was bowens family systems theory, which states that we mate with people who have a similar level of emotional maturity to us.

its a pretty huge part of attraction, and it goes beyond the physical or the mental. what we are attracted to physically and mentally, is for the most part, pretty obvious. what we are drawn to often has a lot more to do with us, and thats not always so obvious.

the thing about emotional maturity is that it isnt static. in the simplest terms, growing in emotional maturity is a way to change, if not attraction per se, tendencies.

i have the same attractions, the same type(s) that i always had. what i gravitate toward, what i pursue, what i invest in and what i give, in terms of relationships, is very different. im not the same guy that was in the relationship that brought me here years ago. it simply wouldnt happen; id still find my ex attractive, dont get me wrong, but we wouldnt connect like we did.

I now know - that I'm a "saver" and find worth in fixing people.

this is invaluable self insight, that is not an easy thing to see and own. that is growth, and it will take you far.

the thing about it though, is that finding worth in fixing people is a reflection of you, not of them. you can cut every last person out of your life, and it wont necessarily change that tendency. think about it. if you were an alcoholic, is the solution to simply never be around alcohol? is that even possible? does it resolve the underlying issue(s)? would it not be ideal to be able to go into a bar, have a good time, and resist the drink?

thats not to suggest against letting unhealthy friendships/relationships die, mind you. it is to say you may be trading one extreme for another, and you wont necessarily find resolution there.

[grumpydonut]

Hey Once,

Yeah, I agree that this could be a dichotomous approach.

But that's not the purpose of the of the cut. And, for additional context, I am in therapy to work on my own issues.

The purpose of the cut is to release myself from toxic individuals who seek to use me, so that I can escape drama and continue to build myself into someone who attracts healthier individuals, and who is also strong enough to turn away the others.

[once removed]

a fresh start can be a great start