First time reaching out

[Tiredwifey83]

Hey everyone, I am new here.
I have been married for 14 yrs with 3 children and I believe my spouse has bpd. I thought he had NPD for so long, but after more research I am almost certain it is BPD. I have been walking on eggshells for so long that I have started enjoying life when he is not around. He is currently raging over me having plans when he is working. For example having lunch with my mom (who he dislikes for no reason) or taking my kids to enjoy a day out when he is working. He feels disrespected if I do anything without him because he is so bored sitting at home all the time. He complains almost any time I try to make plans with him and finds fault with it.  Now he is threatening divorce again. Every time i feel emotionally drained and mourn the family we have. We have 3 kids and a seemingly beautiful life. When he is not in an episode or devaluing me I am very happy in our life. He has cut off his own parent because he felt wronged, and his parent does not seem to care much so I think this is causing some distress. I think he is directing that anger at me. I think he is seeing how far he can push me away.
I have so many questions, but will begin with: How do I get through this devaluing stage when it is lasting many days? He is acting as if I am the worst person in the world and treats me like garbage every day because I "treat him that way". It is dillusional thinking as I am mostly peaceful, respectful and empathetic to a fault. Just a couple months ago I was "perfect" in his eyes. It is such a rollercoaster. He periodically threatens divorce and says he is "done" with me. He says he is going to think about if he will leave or stay because he is so mad at me for not showing respect. He has been on a role this year with cutting people off. His parent, a sibling and a best friend (who he cut off for a couple months) I sometimes think it would be a blessing if he left, but finances keep me bound. Ugh...Sorry for the long post I have never vented to actual people before.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 Ugh...Sorry for the long post I have never vented to actual people before.

I'm so glad for you that you have reached out to us.  I certainly think that we can help you sort through the issues you have raised.

What if...WHAT IF..?   Instead of teaching you how to get through the rages and devaluing we showed you ways that YOU could influence those to be shorter and less severe.  


 Would you be interested in that?


What it takes to be in relationship with BPD

I got the idea that it may matter to you if your hubby is BPD or NPD.  Can you share more of your thoughts on that?

Looking forward to reading your next posts.  We "get it" and we can help.

Best,

FF

[Tiredwifey83]

Thank you so much for the reply.

I would be very interested to learn how to influence the rages to be shorter and less severe. I usually 'run away' from the conflict and he chases me around the house yelling.

My reasoning for suspecting BPD is he has a fragile self imagine.  He gives HUGE value to what people think of him.  He takes everything personally. He feels rejected/disrespected by me, our kids, friends for silly little things.   He raged at our teenager for not saying hi to him when she came home from summer camp. He used this as evidence that we all disrespect him and he flew into a rage. 

We will have a few good months and then he will feel wronged and all hell breaks loose

[formflier]

Hey..you are very welcome!   Good job with the quick reply.

I'm going to change up my question a bit.  Let's say (for the sake of this discussion) that you were able to figure out...without a doubt that he had NPD and BPD was "ruled out".

How would that change things?

What was your first reaction after reading the article?

Best,

FF

[EZEarache]

I am sorry that you are finding yourself in this difficult situation.

I usually 'run away' from the conflict and he chases me around the house yelling.

I experienced a similar dynamic. She used to belittle me for not engaging with her, and say, "Go ahead, run away like you always do." One time I was running away from her with my shoes untied trying to get out the door. I tripped on my shoe lace and messed up my knee. This was an eye opener for me that the relationship was unhealthy for me.

So, things that you can do to manage the relationship:

Try to hear and understand the pain he is experiencing and use validation, instead of trying to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain (JADE) your position.

Sometimes leaving the situation is your best course of action. Rather than just running away without warning, try to let him know after a major blowout what you are going to do when it happens in the future. This is setting boundaries. When setting boundaries don't address it as "your behavior is wrong," statement. This will feel like a personal attack to him and just cause more conflict.

Instead try framing your sentence like this. "When the children get screamed at, it makes them feel disrespected and unloved, themselves. When this happens in the future, we are going to calmly go into another room and close the door together to talk about what they are experiencing." This way it doesn't become a surprise to him where he feels abandoned and attacked.

Note that in this example, I didn't use the words you or your. I talked about what the children and I are going to do. From what I've read this is somewhat disarming when attempting to define boundaries.

[Tiredwifey83]

Hey..you are very welcome!   Good job with the quick reply.

I'm going to change up my question a bit.  Let's say (for the sake of this discussion) that you were able to figure out...without a doubt that he had NPD and BPD was "ruled out".

How would that change things?

What was your first reaction after reading the article?

Best,

FF

Sorry, I did not realize that was a link to an article.  My initial reaction is that I have been taking on the caretaker roll in some ways, but have a lot to work on as well. I know in my logical mind that I need to not take the rage and threats to heart.  I struggle to validate feelings without taking on responsibilty. I find myself saying "I was wrong, you are right" in a desperate attempt to calm him.   

I think I am just trying to understand the difference between the 2 disorders so I can better understand and try to learn to cope. Both disorders have a lot of overlap and I guess I want validation that I am on the right track. 

Truly appreciate your time.

[Tiredwifey83]

I am sorry that you are finding yourself in this difficult situation.

I experienced a similar dynamic. She used to belittle me for not engaging with her, and say, "Go ahead, run away like you always do." One time I was running away from her with my shoes untied trying to get out the door. I tripped on my shoe lace and messed up my knee. This was an eye opener for me that the relationship was unhealthy for me.

So, things that you can do to manage the relationship:

Try to hear and understand the pain he is experiencing and use validation, instead of trying to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain (JADE) your position.

Sometimes leaving the situation is your best course of action. Rather than just running away without warning, try to let him know after a major blowout what you are going to do when it happens in the future. This is setting boundaries. When setting boundaries don't address it as "your behavior is wrong," statement. This will feel like a personal attack to him and just cause more conflict.

Instead try framing your sentence like this. "When the children get screamed at, it makes them feel disrespected and unloved, themselves. When this happens in the future, we are going to calmly go into another room and close the door together to talk about what they are experiencing." This way it doesn't become a surprise to him where he feels abandoned and attacked.

Note that in this example, I didn't use the words you or your. I talked about what the children and I are going to do. From what I've read this is somewhat disarming when attempting to define boundaries.

Thanks for you response, insight and suggestions. It helps to hear I am not alone, even if I do not wish this on anybody.
I think I have naturally set some boundaries without communicating them to my husband.  He does not like the boundaries at all. And I think he resents that I take care if myself first now.

I do recall a few years ago where I began seeing him in a more empathetic way. It did help a lot. I am having trouble getting back to that spot. I guess I have taken the attacks, name calling and stuff to heart.
I pride myself on being emotionally strong, but the older I get the more I react and defend myself.
Thank for taking the time to offer some suggestions!

[once removed]

I have started enjoying life when he is not around.

he can feel this. thats why hes acting out.

its why youre doing more things without him. he can feel that too. he feels threatened by it, and the way he behaves is how that manifests. when he most wants your attention, your companionship, your love, hes doing the things that are more likely to drive you away (people with bpd traits often choose dysfunctional or self sabotaging ways of trying to get their needs met), and youre doing the things that are most likely to confirm his fears.

thats the push/pull nature of a relationship with someone with BPD traits.

the first, and perhaps even the hardest thing, is to step back and see it as the two way dance that it is. at that point, it becomes easier to change your steps.

I guess I want validation that I am on the right track.

you love someone who seems to have a huge sensitivity when it comes to rejection, real or perceived, and his primary way of coping it is by anger and/or threat.

the thing is, more than likely, regardless of what you do, this is a part of him that both of you will always struggle with. the thing about loving someone with BPD is not that you necessarily make that go away. its that when there is overall relationship security (on both sides), the battles tend to become less severe and/or less frequent. think big picture.

in between it all, the two of you may be experiencing different needs. hes a difficult guy, youre having a difficult time with him, and its natural that you want to spend less time with him, and more time with others.

what happens when you try to include him?

[Tiredwifey83]

he can feel this. thats why hes acting out.

Yes! You are 100% correct. When my kids and I are enjoying ourselves without him I do feel some guilt. I do wish the happy version of him was with us.

what happens when you try to include him?

I often try to facilitate fun things for us to do.  He will mostly reject my ideas and not give me any ideas of his own. We do sometimes have good outings. Even good times are strained by his irritability and temper. Special occations seem to be a trigger for him and he will often end up in a fit of rage. 

Your insights are spot on. I am so thankful you took the time to comment.