Which end is the end?

[Khyrah]

I am, again, at the 'ending' of my 5 year rocky relationship. I am so confused, lonely and sad thatit's incredible.  All I know is that after multiple counselors, family members and friends telling me that I NEED to stop enduring this relationship I am finally willing to look at my own role in continuing the toxic cycle. I have to be strong enough to stop my own drowning. I am here to find healthy encouragement and the strength to continue my counselors advice of 1 month no contact to get clarity for myself. Trauma bonding is a real thing. 

[JSbrooklyn247]

Trauma bonding most definitely is real. I've been where you are, many of us on the board here have. If you have the strength to endure the ups and downs of the relationship for as many years as you have, you are certainly quite strong. I have a feeling you may have come to the realization that only you can truly end the cycle. While we can't control their own inner emotional rollercoaster, we can certainly choose to step off and reassess what you want in your relationships with others and yourself.

While I'm sure your friends and family miss the upbeat, fun loving and emotionally available person you once were, I strongly suspect you miss that person even more. Like a baby taking their first steps, you too need to learn...or in this case relearn... how to walk on your own two feet again.

With that being said, lean on your counselors support and allow your friends and family to be there for you when needed. Find yourself again and get back to doing the things you love to do. Sign up for social groups, join a yoga/surfing/knitting/music/etc group, connect with nature, whatever you're into or want to try, life is too short to put ourselves second.

It won't be easy but you got this. If you're still in communication but you would like to end things, you're best bet is to either go full no contact OR if have an intense desire for closure, state your boundaries while being 100% honest with yourself and them about your own feelings and needs. (ie. "This whole experience has been very challenging for me. Here are my values: an open an honest relationship, 50-50 partnership, etc. If we're not on the same page, that's totally alright. I value our good times together however I think it's best we work on ourselves at this time in our lives." 

Side note: I'm not a counselor nor do I play one on tv, so please consult with yours before following my advice =)