Curious: did your BPD want someone else's life?

[ILMBPDC]

It occurred to me that my ex subconsciously tries to seek out people who have a life that he wants.
He once told me that he wanted my life - not those exact words but we were discussing my life and how I thought it was boring and he said something to the effect of how it is exactly what he wanted - the house, the garden, the stability, the masters degree (which I will have after this semester and is something he highly desires to have but I think he wants it for prestige more than anything). He said he admired my resiliency and stability.  Even with the woman he dated after me - he literally said "I think I just wanted her life" (world traveler, many friends, speaks 5 languages)

I have no idea if this is common among BPD or not but it really makes sense to me - they are rather unstable and maybe are trying to assimilate into a life where they think they will be happier.  (Sadly without changing their BPD-ness it will never happen, IMO.)

So, I'm curious how prevalent this is amongst BPD people?  Did you notice anything similar with yours?

[Cant breathe]

All I can offer is my experience. I noticed that my ex tended to just insert himself into the lives to the women he was with. Their friends, became his; their likes or dislikes became his. He didn't have a community of people or hobbies of his own. I remember being struck by that and thinking that I could help him find his way.

[ILMBPDC]

All I can offer is my experience. I noticed that my ex tended to just insert himself into the lives to the women he was with. Their friends, became his; their likes or dislikes became his. He didn't have a community of people or hobbies of his own. I remember being struck by that and thinking that I could help him find his way.

Thanks, I think this qualifies.
Its also a good example of mirroring, and maybe that's part of why they mirror - to try and take on a personality of someone they like because then they will like themselves?...hmmm, that sounds plausible as well. 
I think I'm just trying to understand the BPD mind a bit better, though I acknowledge that is unlikely to happen.

[Cant breathe]

Yes, not sure we can ever fully understand what they think. Like trying to overlay rational thought where rational doesn't exist. In the rare times when I can think about this situation without the hurt I am feeling, I realize how odd it is for a grown man not to have developed real friendships. He had one "friend," but one he also very rarely saw. He avoided people. But then one of the last times he spoke to me, he said in a very sad way that he had spoken only to me that day. I rationally talked about how we could help him develop an interest or a hobby; learn to say hello to coworkers on the rare instances he was in his office. He seemed interested in this advice. It was the last time we ever spoke...   The next day, he'd gone from being in love with me to back with his ex fiancee. I didn't see it coming.

[Ad Meliora]

Short answer is "Yes" she wanted somebody else's life.  Who's life that is/was? I have no clue and likely neither did she.  From me, she wanted to vamp my self-confidence, my self-concept, and self-awareness.  How she tried to get this is by cutting me down.  And just like you don't get a forest by cutting down all the trees, all you're left with is a wasteland.

My BPDx loved Dave Matthews Band, left it stuck on it on Pandora when I was at her place.  I heard the song "So much to Say" maybe 100 times playing in the background and every time this line in the song came up she would sing along extra hard and stare me in the eyes cooly.

"I find sometimes... it's easy to be myself
Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else"

Pull the video up on youtube and you tell me what you see there.  It's interesting.

I would often see this wanting things others had in college interns I mentored, which I think is normal for college seniors.  They delayed their gratification and now want a house, a family, a career, to travel, etc...  Eventually after numerous episodes of adulting, that settles into a more clear focus.  I don't see how it will ever settle without treatment for someone with BPD.  My ex was 49 when I went no contact.

[ILMBPDC]

My BPDx loved Dave Matthews Band, left it stuck on it on Pandora when I was at her place.  I heard the song "So much to Say" maybe 100 times playing in the background and every time this line in the song came up she would sing along extra hard and stare me in the eyes cooly.

"I find sometimes... it's easy to be myself
Sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else"

Pull the video up on youtube and you tell me what you see there.  It's interesting.

It is interesting and I can see how it would resonate with a pwBPD, feeling stuck inside, acting like someone else. It seems to fit them to a T
I found a quote from Dave Matthews about the song
Dave Matthews says this rock song, the second single from Crash, is about discovering who you are as an individual: "It's something that we learn when we're children and trusting and naïve. Everything seems so simple, until we find out, well, not necessarily find out, we just become actors and actresses, trying to portray ourselves the best possible way we can. Sometimes it's natural, and sometimes we can just be ourselves and it's enough. But other times it seems we have to do ourselves better."

I think everyone is trying to "find themselves" at some point, trying on different hobbies or identities (like having a "goth" phase) but there is something about BPD that is kind of creepy in that regard (I think, this is where my original question was leading) - like a "Single white female" thing where they just literally want to be someone else. And at the core of nons, they still have a sense of self, even if they are dressing in all black. And the very definition of BPD is having an unstable sense of self.

I would often see this wanting things others had in college interns I mentored, which I think is normal for college seniors.  They delayed their gratification and now want a house, a family, a career, to travel, etc...  Eventually after numerous episodes of adulting, that settles into a more clear focus.

This makes sense - in our society, people covet things like that... they may want to "be" Jeff Bezos (or whoever) but they aren't literally trying to be him.  And, as you said, they eventually settle into "who" whey are.

I don't see how it will ever settle without treatment for someone with BPD.  My ex was 49 when I went no contact.

I agree. My ex suspects he has BPD (he fits at least 7 criteria that I can see, plus his actions are classic BPD - love bombing, mirroring, splitting, etc) and even went so far as to book an appointment with a therapist. He then decided he didn't want a female therapist so I actually helped him find a list of male therapists who specialized in DBT. As far as I know he never made an appointment. Instead, he started binge watching Jordan Peterson and is trying to "fix" himself. At the same time, he is showing more blatant narcissism. He is not getting better, all he is doing is listening to an internet psychologist and picking and choosing the advice he thinks will make him "more interesting" (his words - he literally said he wants people to think he is interesting and that he wants people to see him walking down the street and wonder who he is because he's so confident and awesome...  he was not like this until after he dated the woman he dumped me for, but I digress)  My point is that he has no idea who he is and he needs a professional to guide him not some internet guy with a political agenda.

I actually feel chaotic internally just trying to make sense of him! 

[ILMBPDC]

realize how odd it is for a grown man not to have developed real friendships. He had one "friend," but one he also very rarely saw. He avoided people.

Its funny, I thought he had a ton of friends, he was always "going to parties" (during covid, mind you) and talking about this friend or that friend. Turns out it was just 2 people and "they weren't that close" (which he told me when they moved to the Caribbean earlier this year) . Even his "best friend" was a guy we worked with (so he knew him less than a year when this friend made a comment that caused Mr BPD to discard him)...literally he has no long term friends and he discards people pretty easily.  Last I heard he was still hanging out with another guy we worked with (he actually changed jobs a year ago and this man was actually his old boss, who I still work with) - before my discard, he made a comment I found odd - something along the lines of "I can see being friends with him for a long time"...Its just a weird way of thinking, like he doesn't expect friendships to last.

[MeandThee29]

I actually feel chaotic internally just trying to make sense of him! 

Frankly, I gave up and just focused on the actions and words. My ex was a deeply disturbed person, and the marriage had to end.

It was a long-term marriage and then a "gray" divorce. He was retired when he took off and had such deep dissatisfaction. Our mutual therapist who had diagnosed him commented on that. He never maintained close friends and kept people at arm's length most of his life. Ultimately he blew up his marriage and went off to figure out life on his own. He promised the divorce would be "quick and easy," and it was a crazy, long, and expensive. So he's isolated and probably broke as the fruit of his decisions. In the agreement, I took out everything tying me to him, and as far as I know, our young adults have nothing to do with him.

He had a friend that he was close to for a time, but they drifted apart despite the friend's efforts. That friend recently commented that he also could not understand why my ex did what he did and grieved every day for what happened. Yes, you and me both, I told him.