Do you have a high tolerance for pain?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I do. At least I think I do.

I'm talking physical, emotional, any category of pain you wish to relate here.  I can give examples, but I'm just curious if the people here on the list see themselves as being able to handle more pain than the average person.

I'm not talking salt in a paper cut, or a sliver you can't get out (boy, aren't those annoying!).  I'm thinking broken bones type pain, and when things get heaped on emotionally.  Being yelled and screamed at.  Being abused in whatever way.  Chronic pain that might take out some people. 

After the great boxer Muhammad Ali slowed down in his dancing and started getting hit, he realized he could take a lot of punches.  He used that to win fights, and ultimately it led to his demise.  He was too good at taking abuse.

How do you measure up?  Are you "the greatest" when it comes to this?

[Ad Meliora]

I do. At least I think I do.

I'm talking physical, emotional, any category of pain you wish to relate here.  I can give examples, but I'm just curious if the people here on the list see themselves as being able to handle more pain than the average person.

I'm not talking salt in a paper cut, or a sliver you can't get out (boy, aren't those annoying!).  I'm thinking broken bones type pain, and when things get heaped on emotionally.  Being yelled and screamed at.  Being abused in whatever way.  Chronic pain that might take out some people. 

After the great boxer Muhammad Ali slowed down in his dancing and started getting hit, he realized he could take a lot of punches.  He used that to win fights, and ultimately it led to his demise.  He was too good at taking abuse.

How do you measure up?  Are you "the greatest" when it comes to this?

[rob66]

Such a timely question because I have been reflecting on this a lot during the last two-and-half months since my brutal break-up with my ex. I have an extremely high tolerance for physical pain, and have put that tolerance to use during several gruesome injuries I suffered during extreme sports activities in the mountains, and as a former college football player.  I take a lot of risks physically.

But I have very low tolerance for the pain this break up has caused. It is redefining me, and will ultimately become a major transition in who I am.

[GaGrl]

I have a very high tolerance for physical pain.

One thing I have learned throughout several emergency situations is that this is not necessarily a good thing.  I have ended up in the hospital twice in medical emergencies that I should have responded to earlier -- both required surgery.

The lesson to me was really to "listen" to my pain -- not tolerate or avoid it.  I'm pretty sure that lesson applies to emotional pain also.

[Mutt]

Check YouTube for David Goggins - he talks about mental toughness and callous your mind.

I think that it depends with where you are in life. There was a time before I came to this site that I didn’t have certain strategies like self care, support network, counseling ,taking medication etc where I just pushed through because that’s how I knew how to function.

Did I think that I was mentally tough absolutely? Are there things that I wish I had done differently back then? Could I have possibly made it less punishing on myself. I believe so but I think that I had to go through that experience to realize that I can function better if I take better care of myself, create boundaries with toxic individuals, treat my depression and anxiety.

I think of toughness differently today with  all of the different strategies that I learned so that it mitigates the impact and softens the blows for the the rougher patch that I’m going through in life. I feel like I function better under stressful situations rather than just mentally pushing through and trying to survive.

[rob66]

"I think of toughness differently today with  all of the different strategies that I learned so that it mitigates the impact and softens the blows for the the rougher patch that I’m going through in life. I feel like I function better under stressful situations rather than just mentally pushing through and trying to survive."

Really helpful insight, Mut. Thank you.

[Ad Meliora]

Interesting.  Thanks for the replies.  My theory is that many people on the list perhaps have a high tolerance for pain, and that's why we stay in a relationship with someone with a PD.

I may have to rethink the emotional side of it.  I feel like I was "sucker punched" by my BPDex, emotionally and repeatedly.  If I would've known this person who professed love for me would continually hit below the belt I wouldn't have stuck around.  I feel kinda like Houdini, who wasn't braced for punches when he said he could take a lot of hits when prepared.  He died of a ruptured appendix from the "unbraced" blows, it's speculated.

I think some of us used our ability to handle pain to plow through it and keep working for a better ending where others may have winced, and thrown in the towel early crying "uncle" (I don't blame them).  Perhaps I should ask if you see yourself as extra "patient".

Controlling pain can be good.  I had a chronic pain condition for 7 years as the doctors I had been seeing didn't find the source.  They made me think it was in my head and I'd have to "bite on a stick" the rest of my life.  It was a tumor up against my spine that caused pain in my gut.  I used my ability to endure near constant pain for those years and hope I'd find relief eventually (I tried everything alternative, btw, so I'm kindofa expert on those treatments).  In 2000, I summitted Mt. Rainier under adverse conditions.  Half the climbing teams had to turn back.  I was relying on the guide to tell us what to do, and was exhausted completely getting to the top (and back down), but I was glad I pushed myself.  I couldn't walk for 3 days afterwards, as my knees were shot.  "Type 2" fun, we call it.  A sense of accomplishment with a whole lot of pain while actually doing it.

[Mutt]

Thats impressive that you endured that type of pain for several years and you continued to push through while half of your group dropped out.

I may have to rethink the emotional side of it.  I feel like I was "sucker punched" by my BPDex, emotionally and repeatedly.  If I would've known this person who professed love for me would continually hit below the belt I wouldn't have stuck around.  

I can see that connection - high pain threshold and immense patience.

Had you know you wouldn’t stuck around. We get put up on high on a pedestal at the beginning of the r/s with a pwBPD more so than a r/s with a non but the start of a r/s is similar with both where we have a honeymoon period - you can’t see the faults of the other person then you get to know them a little bit more and eventually you start to see past all of the good stuff in the beginning and see the faults start to appear.

Im speaking for myself when I say this and I don’t want to generalize but I dove in head first without heeding the warning signs early in our r/s. I just ignored them because she had something thatI inherentlyI wanted. I never felt a similar connection with others. It’s like an old member fromheeltoheal used to say a pwBPD give off a certain electricity about them.
 
I didn’t have boundaries because I didn’t understand what boundaries were - if I had taken the time to really get to know my exuBPDw my boundaries would have detected that there’s something wrong with my ex.

Thoughts?

[rob66]

I also spend a lot of time in the mountains, Meliora. Now that my daughter is away will I devote myself to more mountaineering. My current goal is 150 miles of backpacking every summer, and at least 20 days of skiing every winter. Climbing Rainier if super impressive. I'd like to try that one day.

Your insight is interesting. The connection between tolerance for physical pain and not really seeing the red flags in a relationship like this could be accurate. As I stated before, my tolerance for pain is very high, and my tolerance for the discomfort in the relationship was also high, although the broken heart is much more painful and near unendurable to put up with. But I'm on my way to feeling much better after little more than two months, and I owe this a lot to my many years in the mountains.

This break up literally brutalized me far more than anything in my life. 

[Ad Meliora]

This break up literally brutalized me far more than anything in my life.  

I hear you there Rob66.  That's why we're all here, it was that bad for all of us.  I was still unsettled a year later.  It's still unsettling, but better.   It's part of why I am asking these questions so I better understand the factors that led me into that r/s and kept me there. I like your goals, sounds ambitious.  I'm out of shape, but spend whatever time in nature I can.

Im speaking for myself when I say this and I don’t want to generalize but I dove in head first without heeding the warning signs early in our r/s. I just ignored them because she had something thatI inherentlyI wanted. I never felt a similar connection with others. It’s like an old member fromheeltoheal used to say a pwBPD give off a certain electricity about them.--Mutt

Yes, Mutt, I've written about the electricity I felt and dove in similarly.  I guess most of us have.  I call it 'magnetic yet mercurial'  as she was 'captivating yet capricious'.  Nothing like it I've experienced before, and no one understands it completely other than in this group.

I'll have to think about the boundaries part.  I thought I had them, but I think she was an expert at getting around them or getting me to relax them.  Right when I would reach the point of calling it quits she would start to comply.  All the time, so it was like a gambler's addiction of sorts.  10 fails, then the jackpot?  But the "jackpot" really wasn't all that good, and it seemed like diminishing returns after awhile.  I started to realize how far I was drifting from my own boundaries for my self and how I would let someone treat me, with such patent disregard.  It would've kept going, the pain continuing (getting worse) if I wouldn't have called it off.

[SinisterComplex]

I hear you there Rob66.  That's why we're all here, it was that bad for all of us.  I was still unsettled a year later.  It's still unsettling, but better.   It's part of why I am asking these questions so I better understand the factors that led me into that r/s and kept me there. I like your goals, sounds ambitious.  I'm out of shape, but spend whatever time in nature I can.

Yes, Mutt, I've written about the electricity I felt and dove in similarly.  I guess most of us have.  I call it 'magnetic yet mercurial'  as she was 'captivating yet capricious'.  Nothing like it I've experienced before, and no one understands it completely other than in this group.

I'll have to think about the boundaries part.  I thought I had them, but I think she was an expert at getting around them or getting me to relax them.  Right when I would reach the point of calling it quits she would start to comply.  All the time, so it was like a gambler's addiction of sorts.  10 fails, then the jackpot?  But the "jackpot" really wasn't all that good, and it seemed like diminishing returns after awhile.  I started to realize how far I was drifting from my own boundaries for my self and how I would let someone treat me, with such patent disregard.  It would've kept going, the pain continuing (getting worse) if I wouldn't have called it off.

So pain tolerance for me can be summed up easy...Pain is just weakness leaving the body. LOL.

Anyway, I just wanted to chime in on one particular part here...the boundaries. When I was younger and before I really grew into my real personality I was too damn nice so my boundaries were weak. However, as I got older I truly stopped giving a S what people think. In turn my boundaries became very tough. For example, I have a zero tolerance policy for liars. You lie to me you are done without hesitation. That is where I can be brutal and the F your feelings and go kick rocks phrases come out. The reason I have to be this way? Liars are useless and worthless to me. Trust and respect are everything.

I make my boundaries very clear. I am very open and communicate my boundaries. When I was younger I was perhaps too shy. Plus it makes things hard because professionally I am quite extroverted, but in truth I am an introvert. This is where so much confusion happens in dealing with me for people. However, while I may be more introverted I would say I fall in between like most and I am just an ambivert.

I am a very different and unique personality so typically I will have to adapt to others. Why? I am perfectly content all on my own and my lifestyle is very different than most. I am a biohacker, bodybuilder, etc. Those passions have what allowed me to put my boundaries in place and make me more proficient at setting boundaries. I don't drink. I eat very differently than most (wild boar, bison, elk, 96/4 ground beef, Cod, Mahi Mahi, Pork Tenderloin, etc) since I do not eat fast food, etc. I'm allergic to chicken. I'm allergic to smoke. Whenever I try to loosen my boundaries that is when disaster happens and I have friends and family members always testing my boundaries on the daily to be honest because I typically have to deal with that I can't be that way, no one is that way all of the time and then they come to the realization that yeah I am kind of am the way I am. LOL.

The moral of the story here...be comfortable in who you are and be comfortable in your own skin. Do not loosen your boundaries. People can either respect you and your boundaries or they can go kick rocks. And when you put up stiff boundaries you will be able to tell who really cares and also who have hidden agendas or personality disorders.

Cheers and best wishes ADM! 

#bropound

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