LIfelong NIghtmares Created by BPD Mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother with BPD never wanted her children to be independent of her and has created what seems like lifelong never ending nightmares for me. When I was in seventh grade and cooked dinner for the whole family as part of a girl scout assignment and was so proud of myself, my mother came into the kitchen and only had one thing to say and that was how bad the meal was I had prepared. When I got my first job as a waitress, my mother came to my job, had me wait on her, called the manger to the table and told him what a terrible waitress I was. Mom did not want any of her children to get married, and did everything she could to break up her children's relationships. Until the day she died, mom talked constantly about all the money we were going to inherit from her relatively small estate. My siblings and I own properties together that are not worth a lot. My biggest problem currently is a property I  own with my sister (that has nothing to do with mom's estate) which I have to fight about the taxes with my sister every year as she gives the tax accountant all kinds of fraudulent information about the expenses so she can get big deductions. In recent years, the tax accountant has taken my corrections and the taxes were filed with the correct figures. Now my sister has a lawyer, and her lawyer is supporting her filing these incorrect figures, and insisting the filing of the taxes be controlled by my sister no matter who buys the property. The tax accountant feels stuck in the middle, and tries to incorporate my sister's figures as well as mine which just ends up being one messed up tax return. I am getting no support from the lawyers I have hired (already fired one, considering firing the second one), on this issue. Just plain depressed today. So much of my life has been ruined by my BPD mother and the horrible dysfunctional family of my father which worships my sister and mercilessly scapegoats me. I have never married and have no children. I have had some career success and not what I likely would have if I had had better self esteem. I feel like I am going to likely be dealing with until the day I die with the ongoing cruelty of my sister, which is fully supported by most of father's family because of all the ways we are legally, financially and emotionally enmeshed. I am not suicidal just feeling so tired and worn out, wishing I could just walk away and can't because of the legal issues which depend on having the right lawyer, some luck with the legal system, and my hanging in there.

[zachira]

My mother with BPD never wanted her children to be independent of her and has created what seems like lifelong never ending nightmares for me. When I was in seventh grade and cooked dinner for the whole family as part of a girl scout assignment and was so proud of myself, my mother came into the kitchen and only had one thing to say and that was how bad the meal was I had prepared. When I got my first job as a waitress, my mother came to my job, had me wait on her, called the manger to the table and told him what a terrible waitress I was. Mom did not want any of her children to get married, and did everything she could to break up her children's relationships. Until the day she died, mom talked constantly about all the money we were going to inherit from her relatively small estate. My siblings and I own properties together that are not worth a lot. My biggest problem currently is a property I  own with my sister (that has nothing to do with mom's estate) which I have to fight about the taxes with my sister every year as she gives the tax accountant all kinds of fraudulent information about the expenses so she can get big deductions. In recent years, the tax accountant has taken my corrections and the taxes were filed with the correct figures. Now my sister has a lawyer, and her lawyer is supporting her filing these incorrect figures, and insisting the filing of the taxes be controlled by my sister no matter who buys the property. The tax accountant feels stuck in the middle, and tries to incorporate my sister's figures as well as mine which just ends up being one messed up tax return. I am getting no support from the lawyers I have hired (already fired one, considering firing the second one), on this issue. Just plain depressed today. So much of my life has been ruined by my BPD mother and the horrible dysfunctional family of my father which worships my sister and mercilessly scapegoats me. I have never married and have no children. I have had some career success and not what I likely would have if I had had better self esteem. I feel like I am going to likely be dealing with until the day I die with the ongoing cruelty of my sister, which is fully supported by most of father's family because of all the ways we are legally, financially and emotionally enmeshed. I am not suicidal just feeling so tired and worn out, wishing I could just walk away and can't because of the legal issues which depend on having the right lawyer, some luck with the legal system, and my hanging in there.

[Methuen]

Oh Zachira, I am saddened to hear that today is such a bad day.  It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed by it all.  I am going to focus on the taxes and the tax accountant bit.  It seems strange that your accountant and the sisters accountant don’t see the application of the law the same way.  Our son is an accountant.  I am not, but it seems to me that there  are ways accountants can save their clients money with regards to taxes, but they still must operate under the confines of the law unless they  are dodgy accountants.  Is your sister doing anything illegal when it comes to reporting for taxes? 

How much longer are you predicting you are tied to this sister by this property?  I hope you can dump it soon.  She will never find authentic happiness in her life.  You on the other hand are working your way towards doing just that.

Treat yourself to something special that you don’t normally do.  For me it could be a walk in nature, or engaging in a hobby you enjoy to refocus the mind.  Or walk/cycle to exhaustion.  I find physical activity can help. Do whatever works best tor you.  I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[zachira]

If I were the accountant, I would have quit a long time ago. He has no way of knowing whether what my sister tells him is true or not. We have the same accountant and can not each have our own because of the way the property is set up legally.
Methuen,
I really appreciate your reply. I am already feeling better by sharing my feelings, and am ready to move forward with the legal proceedings while continuing to do some things I really enjoy with people I really respect and love.

[Notwendy]

I understand the feeling. Even now that your mom is gone, the issues remain. I feel that my mother also creates a wake of destruction- broken relationships and more.

A while back, one of the partners in my husband's business had misappropriated some funds ( to his advantage) and owed a significant sum of money. At first, my H was angry and decided to sue him for the money back. Somehow this person had found a lawyer as unscrupulous as he was who threatened and badgered us. At some point, it appeared it would cost us as much as we'd get back to pursue this due to countersuits as this lawyer was willing to drag this out as long as we would, after all, he got paid for his time no matter what happened or how long it took. Why this ex business partner seemed willing to pay, I don't know except that I suspect they had cut some deal between them.

Eventually my H realized the business would have to take on a lot of aggravation for very little money back, that there's no winning with someone like him, because he doesn't play by the same ethical rules.
I don't know if he has BPD or not, but it also feels the same with my mother- even if we were to "win"- the emotional battle would be difficult. It was hard for my H to "let this person win" but by letting him get away with  money he did not earn, we got peace in exchange as we would not deal with him again.

It's not fair to you financially, but at some point, you might want to consider that letting go of your part in the house might free you from this relationship and also legal consequences for the tax fraud.

They may get material things by their unscrupulous actions, but this won't fix who they are.

[zachira]

Letting go of the house will not free me of the charges of tax fraud because only one tax form is to be filed for both my sister and I, and taxes have to be filed for both this year, next year and hopefully not 2023. If she owns the house, than she can file whatever she wants and I will have little recourse. I also want the house. It is all I have left from my family, and I have very carefully considered letting it go, and am not going to do so. If I lose it, than I did what I could to keep it, and I will move on. It does not work for me to let my sister have what she wants most of the time, as she only becomes more abusive, and the legal financial issues have to be settled so there is no tax fraud.

[zachira]

Thank you for your replies Notwendy and Methuen,
I am feeling fine now. It is just at times, the emails I get from my sister's lawyer are so full of lies, accusations, and creating more drama than ever before. I never cease to be surprised and hurt at the types of cruelty and fraud my sister is capable of. I take pride in having integrity which is something my sister has none of.

[Notwendy]

I wish there was some way to untangle the liability. You can never trust or control your sister. There has to be some way to divide this, I hope so.

[Turkish]

What happens and what is the impact to you if you just walk away?

I've done that with my mom's 5 acres, and her husband's 2 acres, where there was a SWAT raid last week to clear out likely cartel pot growers. My mom tossed the will he had written, so I was told, that left both properties to me. It's a lot of $$.

I'm glad to walk away, as I don't need it. I also don't deal with toxic siblings as you are, and that's a whole other pain...

[zachira]

The impact if I walk away is I am subject to endless tax fraud and it will make it harder to sell the other properties. I have hired a lawyer to end all financial legal relationships with my siblings. Selling this property is just the tip of the iceberg and the legal financial nightmares have just begun. I need to let my lawyer do most of the work and stop worrying so much.

[madeline7]

Zachira,
I am so sorry you have been dealing with the repercussions from the entanglements with your family. Glad you are feeling a but better, but if your family is anything like mine, and I suspect they are, you may feel down yet again. It is a viscous cycle, and one I hope you can break once you either own the house, or when you don't after the struggle to own it is over. I read a quote recently about walking away. It went something like this. You don't walk away to teach others a lesson. You walk away because you have finally learned yours. I hope this can be resolved so you can walk away. You deserve love and kindness.

[zachira]

It seems that I finally have a good lawyer after dealing for several months with a narcissistic lawyer who treated me with contempt from almost day one. I did not fire him because I needed to find someone who would really help me and I would have been at the mercy of my sister's lawyer with nobody to defend me. It took a lot of research and going through personal channels to find the one I have now. Now I need to let the lawyer do the work while I rest assured that I am doing everything to disentangle myself from the financial legal bonds that my BPD mother set up between my siblings and me. It is just such a long road and I am so tired. I wish I could just walk away like I did when I let my siblings have all my mother's things and I can't because of the legal financial responsibilities. Will I ever be free of having to deal with all the unnecessary cruel dramas that my siblings and their flying monkeys create? I sure hope so.

[Notwendy]

I am glad you found a good lawyer.

I think the answer to your question is when you have no points of connection with them. Material objects are a way my mother takes power. I don't touch anything she has.

One thing she does is ask me if I want something of hers. If I say no, it irritates her and she keeps asking. She did this when I visited. I finally decided to say yes but didn't act interested. If she knows I want something, then she will not give it to me. At one point I indicated that there's a bowl I liked- I really did like it. You could see her interest perk up. Since I had driven there, I suggested she wrap it carefully and it would be safe in my car.

As predicted, she refused, saying she'd rather mail it. How does that make sense? It would be safer, and cost nothing to wrap it and put it in my car. But making sense isn't the point. Once she knew I liked it, she had no intention of giving it to me and I knew that too. She will sometimes say "Oh I haven't gotten around to mailing that bowl you like" to remind me she has it.

Even though I think it's nice, I don't care what she does with it. As long as I don't want anything of hers, there's no drama over that.

I realize the value difference compared to a house is miniscule. Still, it there can be drama over any material object. I hope you get to the point where your siblings actions over material assets have no impact on you.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
There is no way for there to be no impact when there is tax fraud and the possiblity of IRS tax audits and unbelievable fines. This is very different from just being attached to material objects.

[Notwendy]

I agree Zachira- your situation is more serious. Tax fraud is serious. But it's fraud over property. My example was that any property, no matter what the value, is a potential dysfunctional tie. My guess is that the nightmare continues as long as you and your sister have any ties between you.

You are, understandably, attached to the house and want the value in it. Unfortunately that means your sister has an opportunity. If the two of you were business partners only, this would still be an untrustworthy partnership. It needs to be dissolved somehow for you to have your freedom.

I think this comes up with divorce cases as well. Ex spouse doesn't want to be liable for what the other ex spouse does. Everything needs to be divided and separated in order for this to be possible. I am not a lawyer but it seems to me that dissolving any joint financial agreements between the two of you needs to be done to spare you liability for her decisions.

[zachira]

The lawyers are working on dissolving the financial legal connections we have to each other. The biggest problem is my sister keeps on insisting in messing with the taxes, making up exhorbitant expenses and continuing to defend money she has stolen from the bank accounts. I have told my lawyer that this is like the divorce that costs many times more than it should.
I am just so stressed out and tired of all of this. Selling the house is just the beginning of ending the financial legal ties with my siblings. My sister has her flying monkeys who harass me, accusing me of things I never did and telling me to sell to my sister. What is keeping me going is the unbelievable kindness and generosity of so many friends, neighbors, and the members on PSI. Not everybody believes my sister's lies or falls for her pretend niceness which is a smoke screen for a person who is selfish and cruel to most of her closest family members especially when she is unable to manipulate them into falling for her grandiosity.
In my life without my family, people treat me like a person of worth most of the time.