Validation/ Guilt about Avoiding a Conversation

[Depression = 72% of members]

I think I'm seeking a bit of validation. I saw my bp sister for the first time in a while and as usually happens, there were a few good days followed by conflict. This was the first time I really held my boundaries firmly and told her I was uncomfortable with the conversation and needed space, rather than getting sucked in and JADE-ing. It was still very difficult, but I also recovered emotionally much more quickly than usual. One of the hardest parts was that she kept saying " How am I supposed to do better if no one will explain to me what I've done wrong?"

I have tried to explain in the past, and it has only made things worse. I have also set specific boundaries about topics I don't want to discuss with her which she was violating in that conversation.

I heard from her today asking if I want to have a conversation. The answer is no, but I'm struggling with guilt and wondering if this time she might finally listen and apologize if I am willing to talk to her...as much as I know that is extremely unlikely to happen. Thanks in advance for any support!

[Mtnlvr8]

I think I'm seeking a bit of validation. I saw my bp sister for the first time in a while and as usually happens, there were a few good days followed by conflict. This was the first time I really held my boundaries firmly and told her I was uncomfortable with the conversation and needed space, rather than getting sucked in and JADE-ing. It was still very difficult, but I also recovered emotionally much more quickly than usual. One of the hardest parts was that she kept saying " How am I supposed to do better if no one will explain to me what I've done wrong?"

I have tried to explain in the past, and it has only made things worse. I have also set specific boundaries about topics I don't want to discuss with her which she was violating in that conversation.

I heard from her today asking if I want to have a conversation. The answer is no, but I'm struggling with guilt and wondering if this time she might finally listen and apologize if I am willing to talk to her...as much as I know that is extremely unlikely to happen. Thanks in advance for any support!

[Methuen]

Good for you for not falling into the JADE trap.  Hold onto that.  Maybe when she says  "how am I supposed to do better if no one will explain to me what I've done wrong?" that's her way of drawing you into the drama.  You didn't bite at the bait.  She's going to be uncomfortable with that, because she didn't get a reaction from you. People with BPD are looking for a reaction.  Don't give it to her.

The answer is no, but I'm struggling with guilt and wondering if this time she might finally listen and apologize if I am willing to talk to her

Has she ever apologized to you for anything?  How you answer that will help determine your next step.

[Mtnlvr8]

Maybe when she says  "how am I supposed to do better if no one will explain to me what I've done wrong?" that's her way of drawing you into the drama.  

100% That is what I thought too. Thank you for your support!

Has she ever apologized to you for anything?  How you answer that will help determine your next step.

No, never to me or my mom... although she did apologize to my brother for the first time recently which was a big surprise. That was in a conversation mediated by a therapist after 5 years of NC from him.

[pursuingJoy]

Maybe when she says  "how am I supposed to do better if no one will explain to me what I've done wrong?" that's her way of drawing you into the drama. 

Agree with both of you on this. My BPD MIL has used this exact phrase and I took the bait the first few times. If you've tried to explain but it doesn't make a dent, they're not really wanting to understand, they're wanting to pull you back in to the drama and get the attention they seek. Good job!

Your answer is 'no' to the conversation, and you recognize the guilt for what it is, meaning you have control over how to proceed.  It's unlikely that a conversation with her would lead to a different outcome. Even if it did, you're not responsible for her choices. You're not responsible to coach her into different decisions. If she wants to change her behavior, she always has that option. You know this, but don't carry what's not yours.

You're ready to shift the dynamic into something new. It will be unsettling for you and your sister.  :hug:I think you're doing a great job! High five!

pj

[Mtnlvr8]

Thank you Pj! I really appreciate your response. I think I have thought that it is my job to "coach her" into a better response. It helps to have it put that way.

[Mtnlvr8]

Follow up on this... I am now wondering if I should send her an email with a simple and direct explanation of how I felt my boundaries were violated. Is that JADEing or just giving myself the peace of mind that I have given her an explanation whether or not she accepts it?

[pursuingJoy]

She will likely find explanations invalidating and triggering. I've had better luck expressing what I need, or expressing intent.

"I do not believe that more conversations will be helpful so I'm going to decline your offer to talk." Would that work? What's a simple, authentic way to communicate no?

[Notwendy]

" How am I supposed to do better if no one will explain to me what I've done wrong?"

Oh don't fall into this one  

This is victim perspective. "Nothing is my fault, it's everyone else's fault because nobody will tell me what I did wrong"

My guess is that people have told her- many times- without it achieving much change.

And that question is an emotional hook for those of us who have taken rescuer perspective, which may be why you feel an obligation to help her by telling her what she did wrong.

This is an invitation into a drama pattern- she's the victim here, you are feeling obligated to help her understand her own behavior.

That's not your job. She's an adult. It's her responsibility to figure this out.

[Mtnlvr8]

Thank you. I agree, or at least my gut does. I had a therapy session the other day where my therapist said my sister sounds like someone who needs direct communication and would it be helpful to send her an email. I think it pulled me in because that idea of "direct communication" is what my sister often accuses me of not doing. It's very hard for me to give up the idea that if I say the right things she might respond in the way I want.

You are so right about this, Notwendy!

"This is victim perspective. "Nothing is my fault, it's everyone else's fault because nobody will tell me what I did wrong""

[Notwendy]

One problem I have had with emails is that, they are forever. My mother has printed them out and brings them up- even years later. I have learned from experience to not do this. She takes these explanations as personal attacks and feels like a victim. The email then becomes proof.

I know that there's a spectrum with BPD, but in my situation, any explanation is futile- she can't take the information in the way it's intended and it's not effective.

[Mtnlvr8]

That's a good point. For specific things that could be a good thing though. For a while, my sister kept asking me to send her an email explaining things and clarifying boundaries. My therapist recommended that if I responded I say that if she feels confused about these things in the future, she can look back at the email and discuss it with her therapist (who I'm now learning is probably just someone she texts through Talkspace, but that's another story) rather than asking me to keep explaining.

I'm sorry your mom has used emails against you and am thankful for your perspective and warning. It's so painful to feel someone is keeping score against us and could bring up something they see us having done wrong at any time. You're definitely right about her not being able to take the information the way it's intended.