Feeling afraid to end the relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi
I'm 5 years into a relationship with my wife, married for 3 of these years. A few years ago I became ill and awaited treatment, meanwhile still doing all the domestic work at home, contibuting equally financially (health benefits from years of working) and supporting my wife emotionally without receiving support from her during this very challenging time. Since then I've learned that my wife has bpd and that I have sacrificed my own needs putting her first in everything, which I take complete responsibility for. This I've been changing to create more balance by returning to hobbies I enjoy and reconnecting with friends and actively trying to increase my social circle and support system. By nature I'm an optimistic, realistic, warm, hardworking and positive person. Though increasingly I'm finding it difficult as she is negative, angry, and distracted in general. I've now received the treatment and have recovered enough to return to the workforce, albeit it will be different from previous roles due to what I desire and taking into consideration my limitations (health). My wife says she supports my activities both social and desire to return to work, though in reality everytime it gets to the point were I'm considering available roles and spending time on activities I enjoy she gets very anxious and stops believing in me, her bpd syptoms increase in intensity (fluctuated rapidly between persecutor and victim) and says how she feels she is losing me, and that I won't be successful at work and she doesn't want to risk losing the income I provide. In reality she earns well and this wouldn't pose a problem finacially though it would mean that she would also be responible as a partner to ensure that she continues working (which she loves doing) and we would have a single income for a period of time. Additonally if I return to work it means that I could qualify for a mortgage. Legally we have equal rights to the ownership of our home, though in the event that we would go our seperate ways as long as I don't have my income coming from employment only she would qualify to continue the mortgage and remain in our home. In summary my employment and social activities pose a threat to her, whilst I don't have those than she is in a position of power making me dependant and focussing on her. I feel like she is discouraging my development and expression of myself and movement towards more healthy independance and ironically towards a more balanced relationship. She knows my biggest fear is not having a home or work as I've had to support myself since a young age with no family and no back up. Life is miserable at home and I feel stuck in an unsupportive and controlling relationship. Going crazy trying to calm my fears and to move in a healthy direction while feeling isolated and anxious. Any words of help, guidance, advice, would be appreciated.

[Forestlake]

Hi
I'm 5 years into a relationship with my wife, married for 3 of these years. A few years ago I became ill and awaited treatment, meanwhile still doing all the domestic work at home, contibuting equally financially (health benefits from years of working) and supporting my wife emotionally without receiving support from her during this very challenging time. Since then I've learned that my wife has bpd and that I have sacrificed my own needs putting her first in everything, which I take complete responsibility for. This I've been changing to create more balance by returning to hobbies I enjoy and reconnecting with friends and actively trying to increase my social circle and support system. By nature I'm an optimistic, realistic, warm, hardworking and positive person. Though increasingly I'm finding it difficult as she is negative, angry, and distracted in general. I've now received the treatment and have recovered enough to return to the workforce, albeit it will be different from previous roles due to what I desire and taking into consideration my limitations (health). My wife says she supports my activities both social and desire to return to work, though in reality everytime it gets to the point were I'm considering available roles and spending time on activities I enjoy she gets very anxious and stops believing in me, her bpd syptoms increase in intensity (fluctuated rapidly between persecutor and victim) and says how she feels she is losing me, and that I won't be successful at work and she doesn't want to risk losing the income I provide. In reality she earns well and this wouldn't pose a problem finacially though it would mean that she would also be responible as a partner to ensure that she continues working (which she loves doing) and we would have a single income for a period of time. Additonally if I return to work it means that I could qualify for a mortgage. Legally we have equal rights to the ownership of our home, though in the event that we would go our seperate ways as long as I don't have my income coming from employment only she would qualify to continue the mortgage and remain in our home. In summary my employment and social activities pose a threat to her, whilst I don't have those than she is in a position of power making me dependant and focussing on her. I feel like she is discouraging my development and expression of myself and movement towards more healthy independance and ironically towards a more balanced relationship. She knows my biggest fear is not having a home or work as I've had to support myself since a young age with no family and no back up. Life is miserable at home and I feel stuck in an unsupportive and controlling relationship. Going crazy trying to calm my fears and to move in a healthy direction while feeling isolated and anxious. Any words of help, guidance, advice, would be appreciated.

[Ad Meliora]

Hi Forestlake,  Welcome.  As I read your post it sounds as if you are conflicted about whether to stay or go and are weighing your options.  Although it is always difficult when dealing with a partner with BPD,  I wonder if you wouldn't get better answers and support from the other boards, specifically the one for people "Conflicted" about staying together.  Here's the general guidelines for that other board.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56291.0

Plenty of people here are wrestling with similar issues and bounce between boards.  For me, I'm in the detaching phase of a massively failed relationship which is 15 months in the rearview mirror.  Details of property and income division are not in the purview, but would be topics of discussion on the other boards.  Sounds like you're not done yet, and have some things to work through before you get to that decision.  Good luck.