How do you tell a uBPD Spouse You Want Therapy?

[mitten]

It's been 21 months since I discovered what BPD was.  Along the way I have found great support from reading this forum as well as the recommended books.   I'd like to take the next step in my BPD journey (or should I call it a "ride"... haha) by getting therapy from an expert in BPD.  But first, how do I tell my uBPDw that I want to do this? 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Are you looking for DBT therapy? You can always say it’s for yourself.

[mitten]

I'm not sure if I'm looking for DBT or not.  I was thinking yes to a DBT therapist because then they'd likely be an expert in BPD and the challenges spouses face.  I'm hesitant to waste time going to a general therapist not experienced in working with spouses of uBPD people.  If I'm going to do this, I want to do it well. 

[once removed]

its important to determine what the goal is in seeking therapy.

are you seeking therapy to learn more about bpd? are you seeking therapy to have a professional validate you?

those wouldnt be compelling reasons to seek therapy. theyd be a waste of your money. they might even be damaging to your relationship.

a good therapist is going to focus on you, your life, your development.

are you seeking therapy to learn more about yourself? are you seeking therapy to better navigate your marriage, become more self aware? those would be invaluable reasons to seek therapy, but you dont need a bpd specialist to do that. a good therapist that is an expert in relationships, perhaps someone that does couples therapy, could help immeasurably.

[lenfan]

I would not mention BPD to an uBPD spouse. I suggest making it about yourself by saying you're feeling stressed out and would like to try therapy.   It's not a lie, and you and the therapist can explore what to do from there.

[mitten]

its important to determine what the goal is in seeking therapy.

Yes, I absolutely would not tell my uBPDw I was seeking therapy about BPD.  She is not aware of BPD at all... 

I was thinking it would be beneficial to work with a therapist who has experience working with BPD spouses, so they understand the nuances of the counterintuitive relationship dynamic. 

I've learned a lot over the past 20 months, however I'd like a therapist to help me put more structure around steps I can take to get out of the FOG a little more, be less fearful of conflict and be less co-dependent and enabling.   

[mitten]

Those of you who have sought professional therapy for yourselves- I'm curious to hear what led you to therapy as it's a big leap and takes courage, and how did you tell your significant other or family member that you were going to start therapy?  Or did you keep it a secret?

[Cat Familiar]

If you make it all about yourself, it’s unlikely they will be suspicious since they often think you’re the one with the problem anyway.