Which stage of death and dyeing of a BPD relationship is the "self pity" stage

[Dad50]

So, it is 4 months out since she found a new guy and we "broke up",  a month and a half out since the last time we slept together, and, about 3 weeks of absolute no contact.  I went through the denial, and bargaining. I have been visiting the anger phase where I realize how abusive and manipulative she really was. I think I am stuck in the little talked about "self pity" phase.

I had a long weekend off from work, so I packed up the kids to see some relatives about four hours away. At first, all I could think about was that it was a trip we had taken as a blended family for five straight years, and got into some melancholy self talk about how I didn't have anyone to share my trips with, and she does.

Now, when I took a step back, and out of my self pity, I realized I did have people to share my trip with. I had one on one time with my daughter fishing, and my son is into crossword puzzles and he asked me to work on some with him. We played games and went on adventures all together. It was great, and I certainly had great people to share with.

But I am getting stuck in that self pity mode. Why does she get to have a loving partnership and I am "alone"? Why does she get to do all the things with him that we used to do? We have been no contact, but she is starting to bring the boyfriend to take yoga classes with her at the studio I teach at, which is kind of triggering my self pity junk.

I feel lonely. I feel bitterish that she gets to have a partner when she was the one who was so abusive. I feel like she might actually make this one work because the guy she found has absolutely no one in his life, so he can focus solely on her, which was a part of the problem.

I don;'t know if there is a point in my ramblings. I guess I am just at a low point and in the "self pity" stage of the death of the relationship. I am so much better off and having a wonderful time reconnecting with the kids. I don't ever want to go back, but just in the trough of the ebb and flow.

[Sappho11]

I'm firmly convinced that your actual breakup with a pwBPD starts the day you go no contact, and not a day sooner.

Three weeks is still more than okay to wallow in self-pity. I think I was stuck in it for weeks. If you ask me, the way to get past it is not to repress it, but to lean into it. One day you'll wake up and you'll realise that you don't want to be someone who pities themselves anymore. It will feel naturally to transition out of it, and that moment will come in its own time.

Having followed your quest for a couple of months now, I wanted to say that you're doing really well – better than ever, in fact. Hang in there. 

[Dad50]

Thanks. I think it is great advice to just try and feel what you are feeling. Always hard because it is not comfortable, but still good advice. And my therapist says the same thing about the relationship not ending until you go no contact:-)

[ILMBPDC]

You seem to be in the depression stage of grief -from WebMD:
Depression: In this stage, we begin to realize and feel the true extent of the death or loss. Common signs of depression in this stage include trouble sleeping, poor appetite, fatigue, lack of energy, and crying spells. We may also have self-pity and feel lonely, isolated, empty, lost, and anxious.

I think it is great advice to just try and feel what you are feeling. Always hard because it is not comfortable, but still good advice.

This is perfect advice and something I have been working on with my somatic experiencing therapist - just letting yourself feel what you are feeling and to not ignore it or push it down. You have come so far in the last few months...you will get through this! 

[once removed]

i think the best way to deal with a breakup is not to get into a contest of who is doing better, who is further along, whos circumstances are better than whos.

easier said than done, right? 

the person who is broken up with virtually always suffers the most. it kind of just is what it is.

and its natural, i think, to kind of look at the other person and say "thats where i should be, or even further". not unlike how at the age of 35, i look at a 20 something peer on facebook with a better place in their career than me and feel spite.

ordinarily i would tell you that this is not a contest and to grieve and feel everything and yada yada. and i think thats true and bears repeating.

at the same time, the feelings you are feeling may not entirely have to do with her. you feel lonely. thats going to feel a lot worse when you look at her relationship, but its not necessarily an indicator that you miss her (you might), its not necessarily an indicator of her status vs yours. it might just be. you might be lonely and there might be other fixes that have nothing to do with her.

its easy to look at someone on social media and compare our lives to theirs, and feel strong feelings over it. but is resentment toward them the underlying feeling, or is the loneliness, the unhappiness, the unfulfillment, the underlying issue?

[Cromwell]

Our imaginations of how great their lives are can't ever be anywhere close to accurate. A lot of self pity i put down to the gulf between our idealism and not reality, but perception of it.

If it helps any happiness she has is a form of imagery and stage play. That's why often the world has to witness their 'happiness'. They can't actually feel it for themselves.

Im not self pity Because, comparatively, ive spent the past half decade orientated firmly towards my wants not anyone elses. In that time i simultaneously leaned I don't need anyone to survive or mitigate loneliness {i was lonelier in the relationship than i was single)

But at least now I dontHave some cheating whore basket case leeching off my finances and running my holidays.

Cherish more the things you still have, maybe think about taking the opportunity todo things now that were unattainable during the relsitonhship. Adapt to overcome.

[Dad50]

Once Removed,

       I think you nailed it. I just feel lonely. it's not about the fact that she gets to be happy and I don't.  The fact is that I am by myself now, but I am certainly not alone. I take solace in the fact that I know the difference in being alone and being by myself. Even when I am by myself I know I am not alone. I don't think she ever had that sense of security, and that is saddening. But yes, my resentments we just covering up loneliness.

Cromwell,
   So many good tidbits of advice. So many things I have already done that I wasn't able to do for the last five years!

Thanks all.

[Skip]

A couple of thoughts...

1. To address your subject line question, I think ILMBPDC has it right.

2. To burrow down a little deeper on your feelings of loss, it might help to admit to yourself that your emotional life is in crisis right now and it might help to understand that the recovery process takes time (months) and there is not going to be lot of feelings of normalcy during the process.

Think of being in a serious automobile accident and being injured and trapped in a car on the side of the road waiting for help. Normalcy is a long way off. There is a long list of things that will need to be worked through before you are back to normal... getting you out of the car, getting you to trauma center, getting you to a hospital room, your health recovery, physical therapy, your vehicle replacement, your job time off impacy, your insurance, your finances, maybe lawsuit, your confidence, maybe substance abuse recovery, maybe lost license, ... my point in that it easy to see in a physical wreck how one is in a valley that will take a lot of work to get back to normalcy.

An emotional train wreck is just as complex but we often don't see it because the injury is deep inside and invisible.

3. Be very careful not to compare your recovery to hers. The two of you are in very different worlds right now. Her BPD tendencies lead her to shield her own psyche from the crippling feelings of abandonment (the ones you are feeling now) by quickly jumping into a band-aid® relationship.

4. Running into her with her new friend at your place of work is not helping you in the near term. Is there a way you can avoid this for 10 weeks or so?