He IS seeing someone else, my gut feeling was right..

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, my gut feeling was correct. He IS seeing someone else, after telling me how much he loves and misses me and thinks we will end up together one day. He's even met her mother already and followed her on social media. I know I shouldn't have looked but I think it's good I did or I wouldn't have cut him off. I finally blocked him on everything, Venmo and email included because I wouldn't put it past him to try to reach out to me that way. I am so hurt but it was the nail in the coffin. It was what I needed to move on. I texted him and told him to never speak to me again and to please not think we have a future together because we don't and then I blocked him. So I will never know what he had to say and he will never be able to manipulate his way out of it. I have a long road of healing ahead of me. How can someone be so vile, cruel, and hurtful?

[marv1995]

Well, my gut feeling was correct. He IS seeing someone else, after telling me how much he loves and misses me and thinks we will end up together one day. He's even met her mother already and followed her on social media. I know I shouldn't have looked but I think it's good I did or I wouldn't have cut him off. I finally blocked him on everything, Venmo and email included because I wouldn't put it past him to try to reach out to me that way. I am so hurt but it was the nail in the coffin. It was what I needed to move on. I texted him and told him to never speak to me again and to please not think we have a future together because we don't and then I blocked him. So I will never know what he had to say and he will never be able to manipulate his way out of it. I have a long road of healing ahead of me. How can someone be so vile, cruel, and hurtful?

[SinisterComplex]

Well, my gut feeling was correct. He IS seeing someone else, after telling me how much he loves and misses me and thinks we will end up together one day. He's even met her mother already and followed her on social media. I know I shouldn't have looked but I think it's good I did or I wouldn't have cut him off. I finally blocked him on everything, Venmo and email included because I wouldn't put it past him to try to reach out to me that way. I am so hurt but it was the nail in the coffin. It was what I needed to move on. I texted him and told him to never speak to me again and to please not think we have a future together because we don't and then I blocked him. So I will never know what he had to say and he will never be able to manipulate his way out of it. I have a long road of healing ahead of me. How can someone be so vile, cruel, and hurtful?

Are they necessarily vile, cruel, and hurtful? No, not necessarily. However, what was done is hurtful. Look, this doesn't help, but when they are that disordered they are literally too dumb to know any better. Remember you are approaching the situation logically and your feelings are based on the ideal that the other person involved feels the same way you do and that they have the same expectations. That is why there is so much hurt.

You cannot understand insanity. Going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out and understand crazy will just make you and drive you crazy. Hence why they say those with BPD cause crazy making behavior.

Now, on the other hand this was a blessing in disguise. You needed to get hurt this way for it to truly hit home and motivate you to move forward. Nothing will ever change with him. Be a forward thinker and let no one dictate your life but yourself.

You are going to be ok. You are going to heal. Most importantly, when you have put in the work and time then perhaps you will find someone worthy of you. But, you need to focus on yourself and building yourself up by being by yourself. Build happiness from the inside out. It is a tough process, but you can do it. Keep your head up. Have faith in yourself.

Definitely do therapy. Hang out with friends. Find a new hobby or passion and let it take over. You have to let constructive behaviors and thoughts replace negative behaviors and thoughts.

Most importantly, please continue to post on here and use this wonderful resource to your advantage. This family will have your back.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[marv1995]

Ugh, I know he's not being intentionally cruel and hurtful. I think I am just so hurt so I feel that way. My irrational brain is telling me he's going to magically make it work with this new girl and they will live happily ever after and that hurts too. I just don't think I will ever be able to wrap my head around how someone can be telling you how much they love and miss you while they are seeing someone else. He even ASKED ME to visit him in New York when he's seeing another woman up there! I just don't understand but I guess I wasn't meant to. I am in therapy thankfully. I have already reached out to my therapist and let her know what is going on since I don't have a session with her until next Wednesday. I'm sure it's the exact same cycle he had with me when he broke it off with his ex before me. I'm sure he'll attempt to recycle me at one point and I wouldn't put it past him to find some way to contact me.

[ILMBPDC]

You cannot understand insanity. Going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out and understand crazy will just make you and drive you crazy. Hence why they say those with BPD cause crazy making behavior.

Now, on the other hand this was a blessing in disguise. You needed to get hurt this way for it to truly hit home and motivate you to move forward. Nothing will ever change with him. Be a forward thinker and let no one dictate your life but yourself.

You are going to be ok. You are going to heal. Most importantly, when you have put in the work and time then perhaps you will find someone worthy of you. But, you need to focus on yourself and building yourself up by being by yourself. Build happiness from the inside out. It is a tough process, but you can do it. Keep your head up. Have faith in yourself.

SinisterComplex said it all - one of the biggest lessons I learned early on is that I will never understand his mind. Never. I had to let the notion of trying to make sense of it all go or I would have driven myself completely crazy. It may take a bit to start feeling better but you cutting him off 100% will go a long way to helping you heal. I am a firm believer that you cannot heal a wound if you keep picking at it -  to me, keeping in contact while you are trying to heal just keeps picking at the wound.

My irrational brain is telling me he's going to magically make it work with this new girl and they will live happily ever after and that hurts too.

 
I did the same thing after the first discard, when we were still in contact and he was with someone new - I was so convinced they would live happily ever after and she would get all those good things about him. It lasted 4 months.
I now know that people with BPD are almost never going to have a functioning relationship unless they go through extensive therapy - yes they often find someone and stay long term but its not a good relationship on either side. The BPD will always have their emotional swings and the partner will always be walking on eggshells. Some people will just continue to put up with the BPD for whatever reason (sadly, I would have been one of them, had he stayed) but that doesn't mean they are happy. Just read these boards to find out how many long term BPD relationships still crash and burn and the partner then has 10 or 20 or more years of pain to heal. I feel lucky I was discarded and only have 18 months of pain to heal and not a lifetime's worth.

marv - you are strong- you are incredibly hurt right now, but you will heal and eventually even be a better version of yourself, knowing what NOT to put up with in the future. 

[marv1995]

Hey ILMBPDC, I unfortunately probably would have been one of those that would have stayed too. To be honest, I don't think he's done with me. I think sometime eventually he will find a way to reach out. With his ex before me he made a whole new Instagram account to reach out and keep tabs on her. Rationally I know moving on is best. There have been so many red flags (and some of them quite scary). It's just hard to convince my emotional, trauma bonded side of that. I hope I heal sooner rather than later. I think moving to a new state and starting a new job will probably help me immensely. I'm still living in the same apartment that I was when he was my upstairs neighbor, so there are memories all around.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey ILMBPDC, I unfortunately probably would have been one of those that would have stayed too. To be honest, I don't think he's done with me. I think sometime eventually he will find a way to reach out. With his ex before me he made a whole new Instagram account to reach out and keep tabs on her. Rationally I know moving on is best. There have been so many red flags (and some of them quite scary). It's just hard to convince my emotional, trauma bonded side of that. I hope I heal sooner rather than later. I think moving to a new state and starting a new job will probably help me immensely. I'm still living in the same apartment that I was when he was my upstairs neighbor, so there are memories all around.

Marv, a clean fresh start I think is exactly what the doctor ordered. Start with a clean slate. That way think of yourself as an aspiring author and you are setting out on a new journey to write a new book. The stories before are finished. Craft each new chapter the way you want to. You have the power...do not ever forget that.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[marv1995]

Thanks Sinister. I know I have a long road ahead and I just hope my anger and hurt doesn't dissipate and turn to empathy and me rationalizing his behavior again, that's what always happens.

[Cromwell]

Im not sure if the question was rhetorical or not but my answer is they don't need a reason they just do it. This is where alot of folk including myself can get lost {very undersdandably} to search for a logical reason why have been so cruelly treated.

[grumpydonut]

My irrational brain is telling me he's going to magically make it work with this new girl and they will live happily ever after and that hurts too

This is something that is common among us. A good way to approach that fear is to remind yourself of the definition of BPD.

 "A pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships"

If your ex has BPD, then he cannot have the happy ending you are concerned about. If he could, it would mean that he doesn't have BPD.

But you know that he DOES have BPD...

So you can rest assured that - aside from commitment to DBT - he has NO CHANCE of doing anything other than repeating his patterns with a new victim.

It's inevitable.

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks Sinister. I know I have a long road ahead and I just hope my anger and hurt doesn't dissipate and turn to empathy and me rationalizing his behavior again, that's what always happens.

So Marv no more even thinking it is a possibility. You will only fail or cave if you allow yourself to do so.

Remember to find something new. A passion. Throw yourself into it. Immerse yourself into it. You have to do something different. No more defeatist thoughts such as that's always what happens. No more. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

This is something that is common among us. A good way to approach that fear is to remind yourself of the definition of BPD.

 "A pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships"

If your ex has BPD, then he cannot have the happy ending you are concerned about. If he could, it would mean that he doesn't have BPD.

But you know that he DOES have BPD...

So you can rest assured that - aside from commitment to DBT - he has NO CHANCE of doing anything other than repeating his patterns with a new victim.

It's inevitable.

Marv^^^...please listen to what Grumpy pointed out here. I have drummed this line on this board many a time myself.

I wish you the absolute best. You got this. 

Cheers!

-SC-

[ILMBPDC]

Rationally I know moving on is best. There have been so many red flags (and some of them quite scary). It's just hard to convince my emotional, trauma bonded side of that.

Right?  I am a very rational person otherwise and it frustrated me to no end that my rational side KNOWS this is bad for me and that it wouldn't have worked in the long run and that I am better off...and my emotional side refuses to listen to reason.

I hope I heal sooner rather than later. 

Obviously I can't predict when you will heal, but I know that you will and that is important to remember - every day you get a little further away from it all and every day you heal a little more. 

A good way to approach that fear is to remind yourself of the definition of BPD.

 "A pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships"

If your ex has BPD, then he cannot have the happy ending you are concerned about. If he could, it would mean that he doesn't have BPD.

But you know that he DOES have BPD...

So you can rest assured that - aside from commitment to DBT - he has NO CHANCE of doing anything other than repeating his patterns with a new victim.

It's inevitable.

I just need to second (third?) this!  I keep reminding myself that by the very definition of BPD he is incapable of having a functioning relationship. Not with the new woman, not with me, not even with friends, apparently.  Us nons, on the other hand, have been given the opportunity to actually pursue a functioning relationship in the future, now that we are released from BPD partner hell.

[NotAHero]

 I think the most important thing to remember is that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. The BPD mechanics at play.  Look at the positive, you now know some valuable red flags and you will be less likely to be in the same situation again.

[once removed]

you can understand bpd. scores of books, videos, all sorts of media have been published on the subject.

people with bpd arent any different than the rest of us - they arent "crazy" (clinically insane); in fact, they can be pretty predictable - theyre just more extreme.

why would a person do what your ex has done - string you along while hes in a relationship?

any or all of these reasons might apply:

selfishness. having his cake and eating it too. if its one thing that my recovery taught me, its that people arent necessarily aware of my feelings and deliberately hurting them. theyre more focused on their own. we all vary in that regard, but self preservation is human nature.

validation. if you have low self esteem and a poor sense of self worth, you seek out validation from multiple sources.

indecision. some people are paralyzed by it. only once in my life have i had to choose between two potential partners and i hated it. your relationship ended, so theres a risk in going back to it, even if the feelings are strong. at the same time, the new relationship isnt necessarily safe or guaranteed.

poor relationship boundaries. people with bpd traits can be the worst about this, have major double standards, be incredibly insensitive, the whole nine yards.

intense fear of being alone.

I'm sure he'll attempt to recycle me at one point and I wouldn't put it past him to find some way to contact me.

he cant recycle you without your participation. a reconciliation requires two willing parties. are you holding out hope for this? if so, it would be pretty understandable given the circumstances.

This is something that is common among us. A good way to approach that fear is to remind yourself of the definition of BPD.

 "A pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships"

If your ex has BPD, then he cannot have the happy ending you are concerned about. If he could, it would mean that he doesn't have BPD.

i faced the same fear, and i wanted to believe this when my ex and i broke up, and she jumped into a new relationship.

the dsm talks about a pattern of unstable relationships, in the sense that intimate relationships are characterized by idealization and devaluation - a lot of highs and lows. this says nothing about the length of a relationship or its success, or whether our exes are learning any lessons or doing better in the next relationship.

its true: a lot of us seem to face this fear that our exes will do better in the next relationship. why? ideally, most people do a little bit better in the next relationship theyre in, and most of us take it as a given that there is someone better suited for us, and for our ex. that might be worth exploring.

thats not to say that your ex has learned his manners, so to speak, overnight, or that hes become a relationship partner that you would find ideal, is a realistic idea. what you lay out in your OP isnt exactly promising.

but lets say, hypothetically, that he does become better, and he and the new partner make it work. what would that mean for you? what would that mean for your recovery?

ultimately detachment is about letting go of the outcome, in the same way (although ideally on a higher level than) weve managed to do in relationships past. its about charting our own, new, independent course.

some of that may be a bit too much too soon when youre on the receiving end of really hurtful news, i understand. when my ex left me for someone else, i was devastated, more than ive ever been in my life. she was in the process of doing it for a while, and she also likely cheated with others a number of times, all of which added a series of betrayals on a three year relationship. there were so many things during that time that seemed like a cure to my pain, whether it was her relationship failing, or her running back to me, or revenge fantasies of her crawling back and me rejecting her.

none of those things happened, and they kept me attached and prolonged my suffering. when i ultimately decided it was over, and let go of the outcome, i went through a whole lot of pain, and then, eventually, freedom.