BPD Stepdaughter demands apology for something I didn't do --- ADVICE?

[SoaringNow]

My 25 YO BPD stepdaughter cut me off after I set a normal boundary 6 years ago when she stayed at our house for a couple of weeks. (She had a rabbit that we required stay in the cage and she ignored our request every day and let it have free reign and poop and pee on the carpet. I think it was a passive aggressive middle finger to me. After 2 weeks of this and 5 reminders from my husband I said the rabbit needed to stay somewhere else if it was important that it have free reign and she couldn't adhere to the house rule. I let him set the boundary with her. She said "wherever the rabbit goes she goes" and chose to leave. From that, she created a story that I kicked her out in her darkest hour and I was a heartless bitch.)

Basically she created disruption and tried very hard to drive a wedge between me and my husband because she wants him all to herself. She made me The Devil after that and started treating me incredibly rudely every time I would see her. At some point she was no longer allowed into the house because she was consistently disrespectful to me.

My husband dearly wants us to have family connection with her. He currently visits her all by himself and she's not permitted in our house (unless she can be polite to me, which she can't). I have offered multiple invitations to include her in family events as long as she can be polite to me. She always declines even though she complains about being an outsider in our family. She cannot tolerate the grey area where you can be polite even if you don't like a person. Everyone is either an Angel or a Devil.  She wants me to "take accountability" for how I've hurt her and apologize for a whole revisionist history of things she THINKS I did, but did not.

I would be perfectly fine with keeping cut off from her but my husband really wants us to make some kind of effort. Her mom has bpd and he feels sorry for his daughter because she's been abused but doesn't recognize that she has symptoms of BPD too. I've agreed to having a meeting with her with him. However, I know from her previous venting attacking crazy texts that she blames me for her unhappiness and poisoning her relationship with dad and only an apology from me will fix this. She accuses me of never showing her kindness and doing everything in my power to erase her from her dad's life.

NONE of these things are true. In fact, the opposite is true. I have never said an unkind word to her or gotten angry. I have been welcoming, kind, generous, inclusive, integrating, flexible and respectful. Seriously. But when she doesn't get carte blanche to abuse people she blames them and cuts them off for just gently setting a boundary. She is always 100% blameless and everyone else is "mean" to her. She cuts off her other FMs on and off constantly any time they don't do what she wants or they call her on her crap. It's her MO.

So I just don't know how to show up. She is so attached to this mythology she came up with about me that is set in stone in her mind. I've said I'll be there and just listen. But I know from her previous texts that the price of admission to any family connection is me apologizing for all these fantasy sins I've committed in her mind. I will not apologize for her fantasy grievances with me. (My husband kind of wishes I would just to get past this but he doesn't press me.) My fear is that she will interpret my lack of apology as rejection (which triggers BPD's) and I will come off as cold just by doing actively listening and offering compassion without an apology.

How do you deal with BPD's who make up fantasy sins you've committed and then demand an apology for something you didn't do?

What do you say when they confront you with made-up stuff?

(P.S. If it weren't for my husband I would just keep her on cut off.)

PPS. Sorry this is so long! I just had to get this out!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Oh wow. Are you me? 

I have a BPD step daughter (24), too, who has a BPD mom. It's been quite a journey.

In my experience, the main issue in these BPD stepchild triangles is your relationship with H and how you work with him.

BPD flourishes by generating drama triangles (rescuer/persecutor/victim) and a stepmom/father triangle can be the gift that keeps on giving.

The goal is to get out of the triangle and not allow her to create a wedge between you and H. I found I became ... almost a coach to H, if that makes sense.

Because your H was married to someone with BPD, he is probably prone to rescuing women in victim roles and SD25 is presenting herself as the victim because that works with dad. H will need you to model healthy behaviors here because this relationship probably strains him in ways that he struggles to understand.

When you have a stepdaughter with BPD and a husband with codependent tendencies, the boundaries are going to get tested. The bad boundaries will start with SD25 and H will extend them.

Don't feel bad about having boundaries when it comes to H and what he wants on behalf of SD24. Those boundaries are really important.

I always like solutions that put accountability back on the pwBPD. "I care about our relationship and I'm glad you're letting your dad know this is important to you. My recommendation is having someone skilled in facilitation help us reach a mutual understanding so we can get closure on this together. Let me know if you have someone in mind or if you'd like me to help your dad find someone."

Would something like that work?

My experience with pwBPD is that being accountable for arriving at reasonable solutions is too much sunlight. She'll sense a boundary and have to do a reset. When H comes back with, "SD25 says you're saying she's a mental case" or "SD25 is enraged you won't apologize and want to get a shrink involved" your answer is, "This is a reasonable solution, and it's good for all of us. Let's wait for her to come around."

The real issue is that SD25 is replicating victimhood because it's proven successful in getting rescue attention.

Let them work that stuff out.

You keep modeling reasonable behavior and good boundaries 

[Sancho]

Hi SoaringNow. Does SD live independently, work etc

[SoaringNow]

wow, thanks for the validation. it is so helpful to hear from people who have been there. sometimes i feel like i'm crazy or being unreasonable. only people who deal with bpd's understand.

i really appreciate your insights. I feel better about this. I'm going to let it be his problem to solve. He's supportive of me being honest and authentic and knows I'll be mature. I will model healthy boundaries while also being compassionate to her feelings. I must remember BPD's mistake feelings for facts and not getting sucked in to the drama.

thanks so much for your support and advice.

[SoaringNow]

Hi SoaringNow. Does SD live independently, work etc

yes, she lives on her own. (thank god!) She's working and going to college close by and lives with her BF.

[karaokequeen]

The BPD in my life is my sister, so the dynamics are different but based on repeated experience, I'd say you're walking into a landmine. Apologizing to my sister has never gone well for me. It only serves to embolden her victim status and give her permission to reject me as the perpetrator and cause of all that is wrong in her life. It sets off a tirade of outrage and verbal abuse, wherein I am a sick and evil person who has purposely hurt her. There is no give and take; no logic, no true discussion. You don't get a "side" with a pwBPD. I wish I had a more constructive answer but I'm struggling with this myself. I feel for you.

[SoaringNow]

The BPD in my life is my sister, so the dynamics are different but based on repeated experience, I'd say you're walking into a landmine. Apologizing to my sister has never gone well for me. It only serves to embolden her victim status and give her permission to reject me as the perpetrator and cause of all that is wrong in her life. It sets off a tirade of outrage and verbal abuse, wherein I am a sick and evil person who has purposely hurt her. There is no give and take; no logic, no true discussion. You don't get a "side" with a pwBPD. I wish I had a more constructive answer but I'm struggling with this myself. I feel for you.

Oh man, I can relate! Yes, it's a landmine. My husband wishes it would be as simple as an apology for something I didn't do but my position is that by apologizing for setting a boundary you establish a precedence that violating boundaries is acceptable and you valid the pwBPD's victim identity. I don't want to say yes to future abuse by pretending the past abuse was OK and apologizing for not accommodating it.

I think the key is to not have an expectation for an actual "discussion" per se. I know what I'm in for going into it and I will not drain my energy trying to  argue with a person who has a skewed view of reality and is committed to victim consciousness. We must preserve our energy and it's an energy suck having pointless conversations that don't resolve anything and just continue to cast us as the villain no matter what!

Good luck to you as well. Thanks for your input.

[beatricex]

hi soaringnow,
I get what you are going through and really hear your frustration.  My suspected  BPD stepdaughter is 26.  She has done a similar thing, tried to give my husband an ultimatum that it's her or I. 

I took a slightly different approach, I immediately enlisted the help of a marriage counselor for us.  Repeatedly, I have encouraged him to visit both his daughters (the older one is just enabling the younger sBPD one and has asserted they are "best friends).  So while not exactly cut off from the oldest daughter, I feel disrespected in my house (she texts and calls her younger sister while here to share what a *itch I am) so she cannot visit unless she speaks to me and we come to a mutual understanding (maybe even apologies might happen on both sides?)  That's my boundary.  They both have kids so I'm happy to goto our grandson's football game, for example, cause that is a neutral place where if she is rude to me, I can walk away and cool off - it's not my home.  Several times my stepdaughters have come to our house on holidays and the sBPD'd one rumaged through my bathroom.  Then admitted she did so.  What?  The older one rudely told me when my husband was not in earshot that I shouldn't "put away her food."  They were Thanksgiving leftovers and it was my kitchen and my husband and I prepared the food.  Her food?  hmm

Just a few examples.

The thing is, my husband doesn't want to go places without me.

So we are in an awkward holding pattern where they are going to have to see some grey areas if they want a relationshop we him.  I come with him, we are a package.  Our counselor said "how hard is it to just get along with people?"  I told my husband ya it's fine if they Don't like me, but they still need to show respect.  BTW, apparantly it is quite hard for a person with a PD to just "play nice."

good luck, let me know more when another drama unfolds.  try to stay off the triangle yourself and encourage your husband to do the same (hard if they have the codependent tendancies, i get it).

b