If you had one last thing you could do or say before they disappear for good

[samIam85]

I've been lied to and cheated on, given an STD, humiliated , gaslit for days and emotionally abused being called crazy for believing the things she first admitted to then later retracted and belittled me for beli5 .I've been followed/ stalked/ hunted, nearly killed in a car accident by my pursuers( her friends or 'johns') . I've lost my car,spent  thousands of dollars on legal fees and thousands more on hotels trying to hide from people I don't even know whether theyre  investigators or her friends or her clients (I found out she was escorting while we were together) . I've been framed  - put  in the California CLETS system as a potential 'child domestic violence' offender b.c. she used me as a scapegoat to pawn her daughter off to her ex husband  so that he would watch her while  she went off to  screw some guy . I use a cane now - in constant pain from my injury from the accident.  I take Prozac  b.c. every time I stop to think about the reality of everything that's going on and is still happening  I get  uncontrollably anxious and depressed. I spend hours staring into nothingness - paralyzed by own thoughts contemplating what I did wrong to deserve all this . I relapsed harder than ever now using opiates to stave off the constant tears flowing from my eyes. When I am able to force myself to be productive by prepping for the RO case that she  got against me by falsely accusing me of DV towards her and her daughter ,    I am very quickly retraumitized as I discover yet another instance where I had been lied to or cheated on . I was so oblivious to it all. I had opened myself up only to be crushed  by the same kind of hurt I had spent years working  hard to protect myself from. I loved her, trusted her enough to allow myself to become vulnerable. In doing so the wounds I carried and sought to heal were instead pried further apart left gaping open . I've forgotten who I was without her. I had spent progressively more of my time and energy trying to please her that in the end my whole life was solely focused on her. Its been 4 months since I left her. The final message I left her a month after breaking up , one wherein I told her I discovered that she had been leaving her daughter to go prostituting and that she needed help, finally did the trick and she checked herself into a residential treatment program . However, I know that because of this discovery that her shame now prevents her from  wanting to speak to me again..There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I havent thought of her , wished that she would reach out to me and finally give me the closure I desperately seek. The only reprieve I find is in knowing that she was mentally disordered -that her condition was to blame. Yet I still can't help feeling utterly betrayed .
We both are in the process of getting ROs against each other. She's getting one b.c. of her lies about my abuse towards her child which her ex husband found out about and is now mandating that it becomes permanent in order for her to see her daughter . I'm getting one b.c. I'm fairly certain she had something to do with my "accident ". I'm fairly confident I will win mine and she will lose hers seriously jeopardizing custody of her daughter ( a 3yo who she told that I 'abandoned'!)
 I know she's about to get out of treatment . I can't help but hope that she has "seen the light" as they say and had become aware of how terrible she was to me. I'm contemplating reaching out to her despite the ROs . I feel that I won't ever be able to be made whole again unless I get some sort of closure , some firm indication that she is or is not sorry for what she's done and if she cares . At the same time I'm also thinking about retaliating and reporting her prostitution income to the IRS as a 'f u ' for doing all this to me. The fact that she still hasn't retracted her RO against me makes me feel like she still hasn't changed.  Despite everything I've said , I can't help but love her still. I  hate myself for continuing to do so in light of how horrible she actually was to me . What would you guys do?

[Ad Meliora]

Say:  "Good Riddance!"

[grumpydonut]

*silence*

[EYFGT]

I’d get all my stuff out of her place. I’d laugh hysterically in her face and say nothing.

[IGetIt]

Go back and read your post.  Everything is about her. You are in a prison of your own making. You will never get the closure you so desperately want. Stop all this madness.  Forget about restraining orders etc. that’s all about winning arguements and validation.  If you are genuinely concerned for your safety. You need to consider moving.  Above all. Forget about her.  You need to seek help with a counselor.  Focus on you…