Fighting myself...

[AlwaysMean]

Yesterday, I began to realize how messed up in the head from dealing with this BPD relationship.

My boyfriend expects me to do what I say as far as being too busy at work to do anything anyone else. I know it is his insecurities that rule this. He constantly messages me thru hangouts to make sure I am at my desk. When I have business in the building across the parking lot he has had a history of "I thought you was busy?" , "Did you see anyone?", "Did something happen?", "What did you do to me?" ,"You did something, what is it?", "Were you meeting someone?"... Then after work when I get home this usually means hours of talking, going round in circles until he has chiseled little by little until he fully gets  what he needs out of me. (means I get no privacy, constantly monitored, my whole days history recited, and he does not stop the conversation until all his new daily processes from the relationships are accepted(takes hours to chip away at me until all demands are met)

Yesterday, I went to message him to let him know what I was going to the other building but instead of just telling him and dealing with the whole night of rounding in circles, I did something dumb. I typed in the messenger the entire conversation we would of had if I went about my normal approach of letting him know I was going next door. The conversation went straight to me being manipulative by guilting and being unfair for blindsiding him. Anyway, I did not complete my task assigned to me by work and we argued for hours about how I am not considerate when it come to communicating.

I feel that I have finally blew my cap from holding in that unnecessary obidenancy he expects from me. I also feel that I am realizing how messed up I am from the trauma to be able to write down the typical outcome before it happens. I do admit nobody deserves what I did to my boyfriend but for once I feel good about exposing all this. I still don't think he listened last night but I feel like I can walk next door to the other offices and let him take care of his own feelings pertaining to my job from here on out. The truth is he keeps trying to make me own his feelings but they are not mine to own. Thanks for listening to me release all this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi always mean, I sympathise very much with your situation. Along with covid and having a sick child, I am now working 90% from home. But when I was in a job when I’d spend time with other people then my wife was just like your boyfriend, wanting to know everything I’d said or done, whether I was attracted to the people etc. to which there is no right answer of course. She always wanted to speak to me for my whole lunch break which meant no one else could talk to me. I would eat lunch alone in my car. Ironically it was this behaviour that attracted her to me initially. No one was interested in me before. (I was in a more stable, though still messed up, long term relationship with someone who didn’t pay me much attention). Hey I don’t blame you for predicting the conversation and sending it over to him in advance. I’ve often been tempted to do this. I’m sorry you’re struggling and I’m glad you’re learning on here with us. It has certainly helped me.

[AlwaysMean]

Hi Broken Person,

Sometimes this is all I need to move on from a hard emotion, a person to relate with. Especially, after all the research we do.

Since this thread was posted I have looked at personality types. Most of the things we do are documented already and things begin to make sense after analyzing the documentation. Interesting timing my boyfriend looked into his too because someone else was having a conversation about personality types which perked his interest for a second. Now that I have examined myself and I have been able to peek at the elements of his personality type, things are starting to makes sense and I am finding peace and strength. I feel I am getting to place where I can start making a choice(self-validating) for myself instead of feeling in the dark hoping to flip the right switch instead of a trigger.

Anyway, once again thank you for sympathizing with me. 

-AlwaysMean