instruction manual for a life with a BPD spouse

[AnaisNin]

Has anyone on here really truly every figured out how to live with this? I think the only way there could be a smooth life with a spouse with BPD is if the other spouse was a happy codependent. I know all about detaching with love, detaching emotionally, not responding, focusing on yourself, self care,boundaries. Sorry but none of this really works , or at least I haven't figured it out.

I find this life exhausting. It takes an enormous amount of energy to try to not be affected by all the emotional dysregulation, pain, and hurt, abuse etc.

Has anyone really figured out how to do this dance?

I feel like there should be a manual saying, congratulations, you have married someone with BPD. Hope you enjoy roller coasters! Please note, nothing will ever be about you, you've just signed up for a life of instability, you will be ruled by your spouse's intense emotions and mood swings, you will be stonewalled, gaslighted, accused of false things. you should just forget about the definition of marriage you had, because nothing about this one is normal. you will never have true intimacy, you will not be able to make any real plans as a family because something could potentially be a trigger and then the next few days are wasted. you will have to put your own desires and needs and feelings on the back burner. you will be judged and labeled as good or bad, you will not live up to expectations. There will be pain upon hurt upon more pain.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Boogie74]

Upon first read, my response to you was a simple:

Yep.   You got it.   That’s the welcome page of the BPD Spouse Manual.

However, it’s more nuanced than first glance.   The symptom is what you describe.   It’s not the feature. 

I came up with a very good analogy in a personal therapy session.   When a theater company or band puts on a performance, people in the audience pay money to see the show- often a LOT of money.   

Imagine going to a broadway production of Hamilton.   You waited months or years for tickets.   Tickets are $300 plus per person for the nose bleed seats.   You sit down and 3 minutes into the opening number, to your horror, the lights and audio system fail and everyone’s microphone dies.    You are not happy.  No one is.  You can’t hear or see anything.   And worse, the actors and crew not only continue the show as normal, they do absolutely nothing to make it easier for the audience to see or hear the show.

We- those that don’t suffer from BPD are the actors and crew.   The audience is the BPD sufferer.   They can’t see the show- their emotions block out all logic and reasoning that make common communication possible.   Just like an audience member who can’t hear the actors due to a mic fault, the pwBPD is powerless to change the equation.   WE must do the changing of the equation to get a different response.   It sucks- it’s not fair.   And that’s the cross we all bear.

[AnaisNin]

that's a really poetic and accurate analogy. 

[Antonio123]

I feel your pain and have all those negative emotions almost daily, yet why do we stay? I by trade am a healer and maybe have been in this relationship for 20 years partly bc of my underlying desire to help people but in a marriage im beginning to wonder at what cost? Am i merely a co dependent?

My wife wants a divorce..seems unusual for a pwBPD, and im not sure of she is testing my lpve for her or is so scarred by the percieved wrongs ive done to her over the years that she is ready to move on, and yet with the opportunity tonescape this life of pain i am resisting moving on.

[AnaisNin]

The pain and hurt is too much. I think we hang on because we love our partners, we see some good during the good times. I've looked a lot into "codependency". I have learned over the years to turn my focus inwards, really get in tune with how I am feeling. Practice self care and set boundaries. I'm still doing a lousy job at setting boundaries.

I can totally relate to your statement of resisting"being released from a life of pain" . My husband moved out again on Thanksgiving (probably the 7th time he's "moved out") He shut me out for a few days. Then I found out he has been calling around looking for a divorce attorney. (We live in a small town and he happened to call an attorney who knows me so I found out). At first I felt like I had been kicked in the guts. I have so many regrets and part of me is devastated at the idea of divorce. Then part of me thought "this is good. let him file so it's on his terms...this is your chance to be free of this life of pain and suffering". Right now I'm waiting to see if I get served. Kind of hoping actually. 
As a healer,  I'm sure you have the qualities of tolerance, being empathetic and a great listener, kindness etc. It's true that lots of people with BPD do pick people like us and vice versa because of all of these qualities.

I'm sorry you're suffering right now.

[Cat Familiar]

Having married two BPD husbands, I can say there is a huge difference between someone who only has *traits* of BPD and someone with fullblown BPD.

With traits, I’ve found it to be workable. Yes, there’s still annoying issues that crop up on a regular basis. That can be dealt with. It would be nice if it needn’t be, but I can rationalize that we all have baggage.

But fullblown BPD is something entirely different. I didn’t know what I understand now, but even so, I don’t think I could have coped forever with the troublesome to illegal behavior that occurred just when things began to seem normal-ish. It took me a long time to get out of that marriage, as my self esteem and coping skills were so worn down, but once I finally did, I felt a sense of freedom that I’ve never lost.

[NotAHero]

 I think the manual is out there and it comes in 4 parts by different  authors.

1- Stop walking on egg shells
2- Stop caretaking BPD / NP

If you have kids you must read chapter 3 and 4

3- Raising resilient children with BP/NP

4- Splitting -how to protect yourself when divorcing BP/NP

  Once you read them, maybe once or twice, you will know exactly what you signed up for and wether to revoke the “contact “ or not.

[Couscous]

Not a Hero,

Chapter 3 and 4 of which book?

[thankful person]

Hi Anais, I completely feel for you. Like most of us I have mixed feelings about this and would answer you completely differently on a different day. It’s not fair on us and we didn’t ask for this life and we don’t deserve it. But the positives I have discovered recently are the books not a hero mentioned above, plus this amazing community of people here that I never even knew existed. In this kind of relationship, it’s easy to feel totally alone, where you know no one else has the same problems. It’s good to know that we share similar experiences here. And that we are capable of making changes all by ourselves, which is what I’m working on. It sucks that we do not have a supportive partner (well I don’t anyway). That we have to be strong ALL THE TIME, otherwise things will be a thousand times worse. That if we don’t act expertly all the time then it ruins the whole day. I liked boogie’s analogy about the theatre. I know that my wife didn’t choose this life either, where she believes everyone is against her and she is jealous of everyone and nothing is ever good enough. To be honest it still feels like a betrayal to be talking about her behind her back on here and the ironic thing about that is that it makes me love her more.

[AnaisNin]

that's the kicker isn't it. I absolutely have empathy and find it so unfair that people have to suffer from this horrible mental illness. I am finding this forum helpful and respectful. i have enjoyed this past week of my husband gone and possibly or maybe not waiting to be served. it's been an emotional week for me. started out scared for my safety, panic attacks, uncontrollably sobbing for 2 days, and now since yesterday i'm using "wise mind" and seeing the middle. I was proud of myself for going out with friends last night and having a really nice time seeing Christmas lights. It felt so good to just have a "normal" night of no tension. i could get very used to this. i'm very lousy at setting boundaries so i'm also preparing for when my husband stops stonewalling and asks to come back home. i really don't want him to live here anymore. not for a while anyway. i realized with him gone, as much as i do love him so much that i'm just not myself anymore and my resentments have really built up to the point i'm not sure if there's any turning back. i have read "walking on eggshells" i listen to the "skillful podcast" i am actually certified in DBT, but I just can't figure out the real trick as it were- to live with this. i'm not equipped and i don't think i want to be.

[NotAHero]

Not a Hero,

Chapter 3 and 4 of which book?

 The list is 4 different books. I compiled them as a “manual” for dealing with BP spouse.