Understanding myself after years of BP abusing me

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello and thank you for being there.  I am 60 years old, and am just now figuring out why I am the way I am, and how I have become who I am. It has taken me a long long time. How I lived my whole life - wondering, questioning, feeling overly responsible -- codependent...shy underneath overcompensationg friendliness - deeply sensitive and insecure - blushing at trigger words - such painful uncontrollable reactions to attention. Insecurities abound which I never could admit... a real shame underneath it all. I regularly over the years would take responsibility for my sister - feeling the need to help her. I prayed and prayed for her healing (Believe it or not I am a religious Sister in the U.S.), but nothing changed. My household  was dysfunctional - my mom from a family of alcoholics and a classic enabler... my sister from about aged 12, showed signs that now I know were probably the beginnings of BP - but also bipolar. She would talk on the phone about other people without remorse - even when we all would ask her how she could do such things.  Her personality changed and she would laugh and joke uproariously - loudly and then be depressed the next day - angry... this continued - walking on eggshells... never knowing what you would get... and then going from 0 to 100 miles an hour in outbursts of cruel words and judgements of others - with me as a primary target as the years went on, and her life unraveled. No one knew how to handle her - so nothing was ever really done to stop the behavior. Life has been a cascade of pain for her - and so for us all. Splitting and emotional abuse (primarily of me - her only sister). 15 years ago - after a divorce, which continues to be embroiled in conflict, and losing her 3 girls to their father's custody after 40 trips (no lie) back to the courts to fight for them with lies... she found herself alone, and about 5 years ago began telling me and other relatives (including her daughters) that my father - who was a gentle, good man - abused her.  This caused me great pain, as I always had a close relationship with my father, and he was especially close to me. I doubt the truthfulness of this - as she is frquently caught in all sorts of lies and lives a hidden life. I am the only sister - 5 years older than her. We have 4 brothers, but 2 have passed away at early ages - one at 42 from a massive heart attack, the other because of lifestyle and medical issues at 53.  I just want to have more control of my reactions, have more peace about what the reality is in regards my family and sister - and really - at this point, myself.  I feel freer now - as I distanced myself really last year after a last straw eruption of threats and abuse from my sister because I attempted to see her daughters. But, certain ingrained sensitive responses - physical - anxiety, intense blushing at a hint of someone or somehting that I feel guily about... and I live with many other people who could easily read this the wrong way.  Oh - would love to feel more in control, less stoic - and able to relax. I have a syndrome now where I don't produce tears, so I haven't cried in almost 30 years despite the deaths of my brothers who I loved, and my parents who were so wonderful.  Can you help me?  Not sure what I am asking!  But I sense relief already just having a place to write this.  Many thanks again - and blessings to all.

[Faustina]

Hello and thank you for being there.  I am 60 years old, and am just now figuring out why I am the way I am, and how I have become who I am. It has taken me a long long time. How I lived my whole life - wondering, questioning, feeling overly responsible -- codependent...shy underneath overcompensationg friendliness - deeply sensitive and insecure - blushing at trigger words - such painful uncontrollable reactions to attention. Insecurities abound which I never could admit... a real shame underneath it all. I regularly over the years would take responsibility for my sister - feeling the need to help her. I prayed and prayed for her healing (Believe it or not I am a religious Sister in the U.S.), but nothing changed. My household  was dysfunctional - my mom from a family of alcoholics and a classic enabler... my sister from about aged 12, showed signs that now I know were probably the beginnings of BP - but also bipolar. She would talk on the phone about other people without remorse - even when we all would ask her how she could do such things.  Her personality changed and she would laugh and joke uproariously - loudly and then be depressed the next day - angry... this continued - walking on eggshells... never knowing what you would get... and then going from 0 to 100 miles an hour in outbursts of cruel words and judgements of others - with me as a primary target as the years went on, and her life unraveled. No one knew how to handle her - so nothing was ever really done to stop the behavior. Life has been a cascade of pain for her - and so for us all. Splitting and emotional abuse (primarily of me - her only sister). 15 years ago - after a divorce, which continues to be embroiled in conflict, and losing her 3 girls to their father's custody after 40 trips (no lie) back to the courts to fight for them with lies... she found herself alone, and about 5 years ago began telling me and other relatives (including her daughters) that my father - who was a gentle, good man - abused her.  This caused me great pain, as I always had a close relationship with my father, and he was especially close to me. I doubt the truthfulness of this - as she is frquently caught in all sorts of lies and lives a hidden life. I am the only sister - 5 years older than her. We have 4 brothers, but 2 have passed away at early ages - one at 42 from a massive heart attack, the other because of lifestyle and medical issues at 53.  I just want to have more control of my reactions, have more peace about what the reality is in regards my family and sister - and really - at this point, myself.  I feel freer now - as I distanced myself really last year after a last straw eruption of threats and abuse from my sister because I attempted to see her daughters. But, certain ingrained sensitive responses - physical - anxiety, intense blushing at a hint of someone or somehting that I feel guily about... and I live with many other people who could easily read this the wrong way.  Oh - would love to feel more in control, less stoic - and able to relax. I have a syndrome now where I don't produce tears, so I haven't cried in almost 30 years despite the deaths of my brothers who I loved, and my parents who were so wonderful.  Can you help me?  Not sure what I am asking!  But I sense relief already just having a place to write this.  Many thanks again - and blessings to all.

[eaglestar]

I think you are like many who post here, not quite sure what we are looking for but finding relief and camaraderie just by doing the act of posting. It was certainly like that for me, and I just posted for the first time a few days ago.

I have realized in the last few days that a lot of issues stem from unmet needs that I still haven't identified. For me, these are things that I needed as a child from my uBPD mother.  I don't know exactly what it is I needed from her, but whatever it was, it has resulted in a sense of fear, obligation, and guilt surrounding my relationship with her. I feel an obligation to "fix" my parents' tumultuous relationship so that I can have a normal relationship with her and so my infant son can grow up with the ideal Nana she always talked about wanting to be. I've realized that this is not productive thinking and will likely lead to great disappointment.
Your situation is different than mine, but we share at least one thing in common: we both have faith. I have prayed and prayed for my mother to realize she is sick and causing so many problems...I think it is also appropriate to pray for Heavenly Father to guide my parents in getting the help they both need and that my immediate family would be guided by the Holy Spirit to know how to have a safe and productive relationship with them. It might be that this is a trial our family needs to develop the skills and experiences we came to this earth to have, so that we could get closer to our Savior. These are my thoughts. I don't know if they help you or apply to you, but I hope they lead you to use your faith and the experiences of those on this board who have such helpful insights to come to your own conclusions.

[Couscous]

  Welcome Faustina!

I recently stumbled upon the original Serenity Prayer and I found it comforting, even though I am no longer a person of faith.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.       

[soninlaw]

Faustina,

You are in the right place.  Someone shared with me the Karpman Triangle.  Please take a look at it.  If you are apart of the triangle, then you will have an opportunity to be there for your sister, without the emotional investment of being a rescuer, prosecutor or victim.