Hi,
just to check with others if it is the same and how to best handle this.
My uBPD wife constantly talks to me about people that live a different life.
We have a nice living but she is not happy with it and is obsessed with people "living life to the fullest", like going to live in a small town near the coast etc. Off course, they have a totally different situation (no kids or small kids, financially secured, youtubers / influencers) etc.
So we are constantly "planning to move", and when I start something for real she comes to senses and say to stop it.
Then after some time, "You are blocking me in life"... because I am not pushing to do crazy things.
Anyone has a good approach on this matter? Just let it come and go and not pay too much attention?
Context:
Off course, being an alpha person in our household, I never decided on my own on how we should live, it was always a conversation, planning etc.
But, as you all know, I am always the guilty one that put us in this situation.
In 14 years of our marriage we moved 3 times. Our first place together was "her dream place", a penthouse that we, as it turned out, overpaid greatly, but it was close to her parents in the part of the town a bit up on the hills, near the forest and in a nice scenery. But it had a lot of minuses (2km to first school, 800m to first little shop, no life without a car, 4 1/2 stories up with no elevator, too big to be handled and cleaned easily, big monthly rate for credit...) and I clearly remember that she was not happy with a lot of it. Especially the stairs. Our parents came only once and never again.
But we got our little one there which was the peak moment of her life (she has a son from her first marriage but he was "an accident" in her young age and she never really bonded with him...). So those years are are "painted rose" so to speak.
When we bought it my business was up but then it started collapsing during the big crisis and I realised that I will not be able to pay for it much longer. I explained to her and she asked her parents if we could sell her small apartment which we were renting at first (that was supposed to cover part of the monthly credit fees) but stopped after a having a bad couple there. Selling it would cut our credit to half. But they declined, saying that if we divorce (it is for both of us our second marriage) she must have a place to go back to. She was mad at them and so we started selling the place. It turned out that it was a hard sell and we sold it basically just to cover the loan and lost almost a third of the initial value.
So we moved first to one apartment near her work (I am my own boss and can work from anywhere) and stayed there for a couple of years but after only 6 months started looking a way out. The good part was that we sold her small apartment and invested in the new place so our loan was half of what it was before and it was much easier on us.
We found this really nice apartment at a high value location, downtown, some 100m from where she works and where also the elementary school is couple of minutes walking distance, so that our little one can go there to school. We agreed then that we will be there until he finishes the elementary school (8 years here) because he is a sensitive kid bonding tightly with his friends.
Also the price was incredible, it was "a catch", so basically we have now recovered quite more than we lost because the selling price of our apartment is now almost double.
The bad part was that because of some things out of our control my bank gave me a loan that has a bigger part that dues in 25 years and a smaller part that dues in 10 years. Because of that, the total again came to almost the same amount as in our first place, which again was not a problem then because my business was peaking and also I thought that it is not bad to have this 10 year part because it's like a "forced savings account" thing and, as you all know, having a BPD partner means that you never have enough money
OK, so after creating a context:
She is basically now off course totally unhappy here because:
- she never wanted to live in this part of town
- she hates that she is so close to her job because she does not drive a car which she adores (when she needed to drive she was bitchin about it)
- our monthly payments are again high, we never have money (we do but we spend it on stupid things all the time)
- our little one can not go out on his own so she is always alone (she grew up in a friendly neighbourhood where kids roam)
- she anyways hates her job
etc etc
