Any Thoughts on no contact when it leads to pwBPD contacting me.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Today is better than the lasts. I went no contact other than the little I need to do to discuss the lease etc. It went from: ‘I have someone moving in’ to ‘you can stay in the room you rent’. Now my ambivalence to go home has to do with her false call to the police. Can she be trusted?
 When I needed to contact her and was blocked, her mother reached out to me and I was able to communicate. Now mind you, the communication was all related to the house, lease and the acknowledgment that the ‘disorder’ is what is going on, though I tread lightly when we talk and it was not much.
 Well my ex called me yesterday and obviously has unblocked me. I didn’t answer but hours later texted her ‘sorry I missed your call what’s up’ . She was at work last night as I have her schedule. At 12:30am she read my text and at 3:45 am responded: ‘please don’t call my mom if you need to communicate with me address me directly’ I didn’t respond.
 For starters I feel better and am untangled just enough to see things as they are: the disorder, not sucked into engaging in an argument. I feel more confident and am finding myself returning little by little each day. Things are binding routines and I’m feeling much less hurt. There is far more road to travel and I wish we didn’t live together as I think that would make it easier.
 Now we are 2 weeks out of a one year relationship. We didn’t really have a ‘break’ in July but she did split and it was the first time I saw her in the throes of the disorder. Now we definitely split. My read on the text and call is simply her communicating that I am ‘unblocked’ and the channel is open. I’m not sure when she called yesterday if she was calling to say ‘don’t call my mom’ I’m guessing not. She may have been missing me as she is coming home to me not being there and mornings were a window of ‘us’ time as she would be coming home from work.
 My question is is seeking input on her contact. I’m sure, as always, she was contacting me regarding ‘her’ reds not mine. Mind you she has no idea where I am and I only told her I’m living out of my van. I do think she will try and recycle as I did nothing truly wrong to her though she accused me of it. I know when the brain chemicals level , as I had seen before, she will reach out as I was very good to her in a very authentic way. Plus I’m not engaging as to turn it into a pile of turmoil that can’t be reconciled or lead to actual ‘trouble’.
 I know there is no going back and I know that if I did it wouldn’t be to where I left off. I’m reading between the lines on the text as I want to tread carefully for my sake and again I love her still though am currently displaced. I know there is no future for ‘us’ mainly because I don’t want to be abused anymore in this lifetime. It is hard yes. So, anyone else want to offer insight on the contact/text? It is greatly appreciated. I did not respond to her text. I wanted to. I wanted to try and say something that looked like yesterday is over, like say:’ My dog was sick but better now but he missed and we love you. Take care of yourself.’…or just respond with a picture of the dog. I honestly don’t think the police and all that is a big deal to her , meaning I don’t think she is in that mindset any more. It almost feels like she is saying :’you can come home and I am opening up a little more’ heading in the direction of at least ‘come back and be my caretaker again’ etc…maybe she is sorry and starting to miss me. I know you can never know what someone else is thinking you can only view their actions. Honestly I just want to go home. I’m sleeping on my friends couch and it’s kinda far from my hub of operations though I am okay here. I’m looking at rentals but nothing yet. Honestly a big part of me wishes I could just go home and see what happens next but I don’t want to be subject to anymore abuse. Oh what to do…

[Firsttimefather]

Today is better than the lasts. I went no contact other than the little I need to do to discuss the lease etc. It went from: ‘I have someone moving in’ to ‘you can stay in the room you rent’. Now my ambivalence to go home has to do with her false call to the police. Can she be trusted?
 When I needed to contact her and was blocked, her mother reached out to me and I was able to communicate. Now mind you, the communication was all related to the house, lease and the acknowledgment that the ‘disorder’ is what is going on, though I tread lightly when we talk and it was not much.
 Well my ex called me yesterday and obviously has unblocked me. I didn’t answer but hours later texted her ‘sorry I missed your call what’s up’ . She was at work last night as I have her schedule. At 12:30am she read my text and at 3:45 am responded: ‘please don’t call my mom if you need to communicate with me address me directly’ I didn’t respond.
 For starters I feel better and am untangled just enough to see things as they are: the disorder, not sucked into engaging in an argument. I feel more confident and am finding myself returning little by little each day. Things are binding routines and I’m feeling much less hurt. There is far more road to travel and I wish we didn’t live together as I think that would make it easier.
 Now we are 2 weeks out of a one year relationship. We didn’t really have a ‘break’ in July but she did split and it was the first time I saw her in the throes of the disorder. Now we definitely split. My read on the text and call is simply her communicating that I am ‘unblocked’ and the channel is open. I’m not sure when she called yesterday if she was calling to say ‘don’t call my mom’ I’m guessing not. She may have been missing me as she is coming home to me not being there and mornings were a window of ‘us’ time as she would be coming home from work.
 My question is is seeking input on her contact. I’m sure, as always, she was contacting me regarding ‘her’ reds not mine. Mind you she has no idea where I am and I only told her I’m living out of my van. I do think she will try and recycle as I did nothing truly wrong to her though she accused me of it. I know when the brain chemicals level , as I had seen before, she will reach out as I was very good to her in a very authentic way. Plus I’m not engaging as to turn it into a pile of turmoil that can’t be reconciled or lead to actual ‘trouble’.
 I know there is no going back and I know that if I did it wouldn’t be to where I left off. I’m reading between the lines on the text as I want to tread carefully for my sake and again I love her still though am currently displaced. I know there is no future for ‘us’ mainly because I don’t want to be abused anymore in this lifetime. It is hard yes. So, anyone else want to offer insight on the contact/text? It is greatly appreciated. I did not respond to her text. I wanted to. I wanted to try and say something that looked like yesterday is over, like say:’ My dog was sick but better now but he missed and we love you. Take care of yourself.’…or just respond with a picture of the dog. I honestly don’t think the police and all that is a big deal to her , meaning I don’t think she is in that mindset any more. It almost feels like she is saying :’you can come home and I am opening up a little more’ heading in the direction of at least ‘come back and be my caretaker again’ etc…maybe she is sorry and starting to miss me. I know you can never know what someone else is thinking you can only view their actions. Honestly I just want to go home. I’m sleeping on my friends couch and it’s kinda far from my hub of operations though I am okay here. I’m looking at rentals but nothing yet. Honestly a big part of me wishes I could just go home and see what happens next but I don’t want to be subject to anymore abuse. Oh what to do…

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Ftf-

I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through in this relationship and what you’re currently enduring.  I read through most of your posts.

You’ve received some truly thoughtful and compassionate replies containing real wisdom.  I’m hoping that since you’ve asked members here for advice, you’re really taking that advice to heart.

My take is this, for what it’s worth - your exBPDgf called the police on you with a false DV complaint.  That is serious enough in and of itself; however she added to that a serious allegation (a lie no less) that could easily undermine your entire professional reputation and your ability to financially support yourself AND slay your hopes for a future healthy relationship with another woman.  You would potentially spend years defending yourself to anyone you meet.  And for what?

So unless your ex goes herself, on her own accord (with no urging or influence by you) to the police and fills out an Affidavit stating that her DV complaint and the other allegations made against you were completely false, I would stay OUT of that rental until she has relocated.

When these relationships reach their “expiration date”, there are sadly some very harsh and painful realities we are forced to face as their partners, or as some people call themselves, “caretakers”.  First, she and her “disorder” are one and the same.  I also tried to differentiate, but that doesn’t work.  Because in a flash, the cruelty emerges.

I was married to a disordered man for 19 years and after that was with my BPD/ NPD bf for 6.5 years.  It wasn’t until 3.5 years into my second relationship that I began to learn about this stuff.  After my divorce, I learned that my exH was unfaithful to me throughout our marriage.  That is not a reflection on me.  With my exBF, as well as I knew his behaviors, I believe there was so MUCH he hid about himself.  I think he was faithful, but who knows and it’s not something that was ever an issue between us.

If your exGF was on Tinder throughout your relationship and possibly went so far as to periodically see other men, there would have been nothing you could have done to stop her from trying to fill that Emptiness in her soul.  Love does not seem to hold the same meaning (from my experience).

As far as contact.  That’s a hard “No” in my book.  At this point, and in many of these relationships, it seems we are “functional” to our disordered partners, catering to their every need and demand and getting pretty much nada in return... yet convincing ourselves we are getting love or “something”.   I’m sorry, my friend...  I truly don’t intend to be harsh, but if YOU were to send someone a text strongly telling them NOT to contact your mother and they replied with information about or a photo of their dog (no matter how cute), how would YOU react?  There is no response to her text needed.  If you insist on responding, then a simple “got it”  suffices.

Finally, what contact have you had with the landlord and what are your options of getting out of the lease, and the timing of that?  Especially considering her legal threats against you?
 
How can we help you begin to grasp that this is no longer your home?  And the reason is because a home is a sanctuary...a safe place.  And that place is anything but.   (I’m sorry). At least NOT while she’s in it.

I know this is hard.  Really hard.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Firsttimefather]

Thank you gems for eyes. I really appreciate your response and thank you for your feedback. Truth is I have been listening to all the advice and wisdom and I do agree with every single thing you said. Though it is hard you are correct: that’s no longer my home. The threats were serious and absolutely could have ruined my entire life. I get weak from time to time and get lost in my head so I come here and write it down/out. I did not respond and decided not to and rather just face the sadness and anger of it all. That is where I am, completely sad at times but also  I don’t stay there long. Every day gets better. Again I thank you for your response. I actually re-read all the advice I have been given as to keep me on the right path making good decisions. I will do the same with yours. Thanks for all your kind words but most of all, thank you for your honesty. My friend told me last night how he had to pay over 30k to retrieve his children from his Bpd ex and even still the worse part was not the money, it was the behaviors he and the children suffered under. Thanks again so much Gemsforeyed

[Firsttimefather]

I wanted to reply to you again G4i , my first I wrote after waking up and couldn’t fall back asleep moment so I wasn’t too clear headed. I realize what I get caught up on it seems the the bipolarity of it all. On the relationship side: at first I look at it as how good, loving, loyal,thoughtful, ‘caretaking’ I was. Helping to make sure she is up on time or has a healthful lunch packed. As you said repaid in what I translated as ‘love’ but in truth, following the abortion experience, it had one brief period where it kinda seemed ok but little by little, more and more I saw the ‘shadows’ if you will of the person I was with creeping forward. The stories not always adding up, history of unexplainable train wrecks. I have my own trainwrecks but they fit a logical timeline. Asking me to call the shoe store as the current manager is a guy who coerced her into a bj when she was young, oh I’m sorry did that upset you? (She asked). Worst than all that were the moods. The push pull, I’m sleeping alone tonite,now I’m jumping back into bed with you. The hyper vigilant sex fascination, the cleaning spree, drunk driving with us in the car but I can’t talk her out of it only to be told that next time I have to talk her out of doing it. In truth it was breaking down and she was suggesting that we move to her hometown back East, close to her family. I’m starting to feel depressed, couple mini benders(nothing too over the top but Before her I seldom drank) I was feeling unmotivated other than when I would be tending to her. I was going to the gym but work seemed of little to no interest to me, well sorta, but at least of less interest. I felt myself starting to mirror her and I noticed it.  She sees potential in us she says then she is back on Tinder. Calling attention to it lead  to a mini split that lasted about 10 hours.a couple of weeks later she snoops my phone, draws irrational conclusions. Now granted, she did pull ‘evidence’ from my phone of various subjects but constructive her own narrative between them and refused to discuss it. I didn’t push her, I gently and kindly asked her to discuss her concerns with me so she violently kicks me off the bed and  boom, cops called…which brings me to the other polarity,
The police
 Absolutely I recognize the abusive behavior in the actions. In truth when it happened I did think to myself ‘this is my way out of this’. I know it’s far too risky to go back. I get these urges to and contemplate scenarios but every scenario looks bad, scary, unpredictable, risky. Everything you said is true: risk to future, home being a sanctuary and it definitely is a ‘hostile’ environment with all of my partner’s threats of abuse, gaslighting, coercion…

Okay, it is lengthy and I am sorry for that. What I wanted to portray by writing it all too you is where I’m at in the journey. All the advice on here, including yours, is allowing me to grasp the all facets of my experience. It is a lot to digest but what I see in looking back as well as looking forward, that this person I was cared so deeply for had little to no regard for my safety or well being, she so much has said so. I realize I was become unglued myself, but at least I noticed it and reached out to therapy before it got to far.Lo and behold the depression was most likely rooted in the relationship stress, headaches, poor sleep, self medicating (looking a lot like the way my gf lived) . Soon afterwards I realized the way I was feeling now actually is how I felt all year. Funny thing is if someone asked me what I would want most of all it would probably be a ‘hug’ , a return of affection.sound familiar?
 All in all I do think I will be okay. I know I will and I know I need to really be careful and mindful of the situation. I’m guessing she will contact me again but I’m sticking to NC. Even if just to avoid the emotional pullback ride, nonetheless I must move forward. Most of the strength I have has been gleaned from the advice I receive here.
 It’s just memories that surface can get you sometimes. Grief holds its own schedule. I find myself shaking my head in disbelief that my relationship exploded because she thought I cheated on her but I hadn’t. I get sad…then the other voice kicks in: but she called the police….
I think I’m getting there. It really helps to write it out so thanks for obliging me. Once again, thanks for your feedback and be well. I look forward to hearing from you again.

[Rev]

Hi there FFT -

Just weighing in to say - keep on doing whatever you need to do to scrub yourself clean, and, as you say, keep moving forward.

Keep on keeping on, every day. Hang in there. You got this.

I remember when I first had my relationship hit the wall, somebody said this to me:

"Rev, it may not seem like it right now, but it does get better."

You're doing awesome.  Good for you on taking the words of wisdom that you are finding her. Pat yourself on the back as you put it into practice.

Hugs or high fives - or both. You choose.

Rev

[Firsttimefather]

Thank you so much,
 It’s a journey. I slipped onto my guitar awhile processing thoughts. I feel better, more confident. It comes in waves. Sometimes however my sadness is more so pointed at the ‘how cruel the world and life can be’ than my actual situation, sometimes it’s just memories but memories good and bad. Some sad, some bittersweet, some outright perplexing,irrational, crazy making…. Usual rollercoaster. I love her so very much and always will. She may never even realize that and that’s ok. I know closure is never going to show, I know it will be a game of the occasional attempt at contact and it will only be one of two extremes. It’s sorry or it’s the delivery of more abuse, it’s hard to love somebody and have to leave then, that goes without saying. The journey there is hard but maybe in sharing it not only to I get great advice and support, maybe someone else benefits somehow. I miss her, I miss me when I was home with her. I miss taking care of her even if it is a symptom of dysfunctional relationships, I still miss it. I gave me pride and i miss her beauty. She was so beautiful to me. But that changes as the bar gets raised and zero to police is a bit much. I know what I want to see happen and who knows what unexpected appearances show up. I’m sure she tries contact again if I don’t. I’m prepared for it. I developed a little self rule book: don’t respond right away, give it thought, maybe don’t respond at all, if I do keep it brief and to the point. I am more so trying to get me to where I just don’t even care anymore and I know it’s not far off. For now I grip the wheel when it comes on and practice mindfulness. I allow the anger in healthy ways but it’s minuscule, infrequent and fleeting. Thanks to everyone here …