Back and forth relationship

[MarkST]

I’ve been in a relationship with someone who I have recently learned has BPD. It’s been a struggle. I love them dearly but have broken up with them a couple times. I find my way back to them because I love them. I recently have been seeing a therapist and talking about all that has been going on. While she has not met my boyfriend, she stated that he clearly has the traits. I’ve begun reading about it and he clearly meets the criteria. I’ve been encouraging him to seek help and he’s agreed to go into an IOP program. I certainly have not told him about him most likely having BPD. I’m just not sure what more to do. I’ve been working on my boundaries but feel like there could be more I can do. Any advice? My relationship is complex as I’m polyamorous. I can provide more info if needed.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bugwaterguy]

I literally just posted this in another spot.

The fact that you have this diagnosis so early in the relationship gives me lots of hope for you.  Many of us on these boards have been in long term (25 years for me) relationships and struggled to understand what is going on.  I wish I knew earlier in my relationship what I know now...

This will be a great deal of work for you.  You need to self-examine to determine if you are up for it
Look at https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

To help determine if you are up for this - you will want to do some reading to understand what you are in for.

To start with, I would read Stop Walking On Eggshells, Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook, Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Relationships with a BPD partner can be rewarding, particularly if you can grow together to address this issue.

[MarkST]

I’ve already read Walking on Eggshells. It really opened my eyes to how he is. As I said I’m in a poly relationship which further complicates things. So I’m also dealing with my other relationship becoming overprotective of me seeing how he’s treated me and how it has affected me. He’s also in another relationship that I feel and he’s even admitted is toxic. He’s become financially dependent on it. I’m trying to show him the love that no one else I really think has. I’m just trying to navigate things as best I can. I saw him last night and he has slid out of the idealization phase and is quickly moving into a rage phase. I know that I’ll need to put him at arms length until it burns out. He’ll then slide into a depressive phase which will last for some time before going back to idealization. Luckily he’s starting an IOP on Monday. My biggest fear is that he’ll start to hear things he won’t want to accept and drop out.

[babyducks]

welcome to the site MarkST.

I'm glad you took the step of joining and posting.    this is a helpful community who understand the very unique challenges faced by those in a romantic relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD)

since you have read Eggshells I would recommend another book.   it was the single most helpful one I read on the topic.


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.0

the book is: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad.

I would also recommend the LESSONS thread that is pinned to the top of this board.    it contains links that takes you all over this large and complicated website.  you can pick you way through in what ever manner makes the most sense to you.

'ducks