I’ve bee in this relationship for six years, we’ve been married for two years and divorced still together for two and a half. We’ve broke up countless times, separated more times than I can remember. Last week I stumbled onto the definition of BPD and was floored, was her to a T. And, unfortunately I was the classic example of what not to do, I had been enabling her and swallowing and hiding abuse almost constantly. I read nonstop for three days trying to understand and clarify what I’d learned, only to gather more confirming information that she has BPD, and NPD, and I have been her safety net/door mat all along, and with all my “efforts “ been adding fuel to the fire.
We broke up (again) yesterday and only with this new information do I have confidence and clarity that this time will stick, now I have to put myself back together. I am a shell of the person I was, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. I was fortunate to find a counselor with BPD exposure and to get that ball rolling. I am here hoping for some guardrails though I wasn’t the most social person to start with so I don’t have much confidence in myself to be receptive or adept, but am am going to try my best
Oh Man, i can feel how confusing and wrecking those years must have been, especially navigating them without a BPD radar. I was in the same situation too in the beginning. Flying Blind.
Don't blame yourself. You can mitigate some of the chaos by applying often quite counterintuitive approaches, learn about the disorder, the techniques and trying to see and love the person loose from the disorder, but even then success is not guaranteed and the chance of just burning out from trying is still very high. Even if you know everything about BPD, BPD may not be able to really know or understand you in the end.
I do want to say there is hope. Of course you need to figure out what this all was, and build yourself up again, but in such a way that prevents these disasters in the future. But in the first few weeks especially you may be in a state of shock, and this is perfectly normal, your body can't just deal with all the tension that you had to endure releasing at the same time. At the same time it is withdrawing from spinning on the BPD merry go around, even on a biological level. Don't be afraid of this, it will pass and your body is just working to restore its balance again.
The Hope is that this is the start of a process of gaining a lot of knowledge, self-compassion and self insight, but it will only come to you if you keep your distance.
