How to Calm Physiological Responses to BPD Behaviors

[JadedEmpath]

Right now I am having a hard time calming my automatic physiological responses to my SO's BPD provocations. Even when I am intentional about not being triggered by them in the moment, my heart races and my blood pressure raises and I am in fight or flight mode for hours. Any advice or tips on how to calm yourself down, or how not to have those responses to begin with?

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[Cat Familiar]

I’ve found that it’s easier to prevent these responses than to stop them after they have occurred.

You speak about “provocations.” What exactly is happening?

My only thought is that perhaps you stay in the conversation too long. You likely have awareness that your heart rate is starting to accelerate. That would be a good time to politely exit.

I do yoga and during the day I try and notice if I’m holding tension in some part of my body, usually my shoulders, and release it. Often I find myself doing some task where I’m frowning or clenching my teeth and when I do, I let that go too.

Are you getting enough cardiovascular exercise? How about relaxation time?

[JadedEmpath]

I feel like it's immediate though. Like as soon as I sense he is in one of those moods. Like yesterday he woke up and was irritated that we didn't wake up as early as we had planned, and he threw a pillow at me, called me a b**** and started passive aggressively washing dishes--and I was immediately in fight or flight mode (fast heart rate, I checked my BP a few hours later and it was like 140/102, anxiety, etc.). Even if I leave the convo pretty early (or don't even participate at all), I'm stuck in that elevated state of arousal, and I think that's why I have trouble moving on with my day. My mind just goes back to it over and over, I think because my physiological response is ongoing.

I have been trying intentional breathing and relaxing. I practice self care. I do yoga when I have the time. I regularly get cardiovascular exercise (3-6 days per week), and I think that is a good way to release anxiety/stress for me. I'm wanting to find an easier, quicker way to deal with the heightened arousal, though, when I can't go to the gym. Like yesterday with the holidays. Plus sometimes if I get worked up I feel exhausted and I dont feel up to exercising. The only other thing I find that dependably "resets" me is to nap, but that is not always practical either.

[bugwaterguy]

I think this process comes from Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Manning, Linehan

When dealing with someone with BPD (or really anybody) these steps can help.

Step One: Regulate your own emotions - because they may not be able to regulate theirs.  They will also take whatever you are feeling and magnify in a negate way.  You need to be able to calm yourself.  These are the steps
1. Pause.
2. Pay attention to my emotions (what are you feeling?, don't try to change it, just be aware)
3. Pay attention to my physical sensation (is your blood pressure up?, do you feel knots in your stomach?)
4. Pay attention to your body posture and language (crossed arms or legs, eye contact, hunched)
5. Half-smile. (not a smirk or a full smile - because that could be seen as invalidating - the kind of smile you give yourself when you are feeling sad and want to show care, but not that you are glad about a situation)
6. Validate and cheerlead yourself. (in your head - tell yourself you are doing the best you can do right now)

Step Two: Validate everything they are feeling enthusiastically.  This goes beyond "active listening".  Don't do anything to discuss why they shouldn't feel that way.  Don't give them education or facts.  Look for ways to explain why they are feeling the way they are, and justify their feelings to them.
NOTE:  Validation is not agreement - do not agree with anything that isn't true for you.  Don't back down from your truth. (but you might not bring it up)

For example:  You could say, "I can understand why you think I am not being logical.  You seem to have a very clear idea in your head, and it doesn't match up with what I am saying.  Because I don't understand you, you think I am incapable of empathy or that I don't care.  I would feel awful if I thought you didn't care about me."

Step Three: Respond with your hope - without discounting their feelings

For example: "I love you.  I believe that even if we disagree on this issue, it will be ok.  We have disagreed on things before, and we have made it through."

[ILMBPDC]

I have cPTSD and have frequent fight/flight anxiety responses for (seemingly) no reason. Recently I had a few days of this type of response and was on the verge of seeking out cannabis (which in small amounts does help me but is sadly still illegal in my state). I am a big believer in plant medicine and decided to see if any of my (legal) herbs would help. I found that I could use my dry herb vaporizer to smoke dried lemon balm for anxiety and it WORKED. Within seconds I was calmer than I had been in a couple days. Since then I have been adding it to my tea as well, which helps but isn't nearly as fast as vaping it.

There are actually quite a few herbs that are indicated for anxiety - you may find that some work better than others for you and it could be as easy as sniffing some lavender oil or taking a valerian capsule. I'd highly recommend herbs as an adjunct to whatever else you may be trying, but do your research first.

P.S. you do need a specific dry herb vaporizer to vape herbs, you can't use an regular oil/"juice" vaporizer for that. I think mine was about $50. Also not all herbs can/should be vaped so its important you make sure they are ok for that if you decide to go that route.