BPD golden child sister

[Suckstobeagoat]

Hi,
My sisters' a tough combination - golden-child with BPD. I find her warped opinions of me too distorted and harmful for me to deal with. I'm still reeling from a tome of messages she sent me under the guise of wanting to help, hence setting up an account. (I'm so aware how un-anonymous this would be should she read this but I doubt she's self-aware enough!)

Bit/lot of context, so my dad is coercively controlling, has anger management issues, zero ability to empathise (sometimes puts on an act, other times gets really angry when you're upset etc). He does things to help but with the expectation of high praise etc, throws it back in your face if not etc.

He's likely a covert narcissist, he can come across very well (he also projects the insults 'extremely manipulative' - if I'm upset; 'if people knew what you're like' when they do see my worst; 'profoundly selfish' anytime I have needs etc onto me). He also has extreme OCD, and massive anger issues (I'd said that it bears repeating - especially because I'm so sensitive I feel other people's anger like it's my own so am poor at reacting), so there was a tonne of walking on eggshells, which I'm not good at doing.

Since my autism and ADHD combo slipped under the radar/had a different diagnosis my upbringing has been a super painful one of constantly being told off and forced to mask/suppress my differences/extra sensitivity (especially because it presents differently in women, also the combination of both makes you mostly seen as simply eccentric). Actually, school was also a toxic environment - primary school taught me to not trust my natural ways and feel good when I changed, secondary school patronised, ignored my wishes etc. So I had to deal with a lack of acceptance/being assumed as less intelligent/capable (ironically I technically have above average intelligence so I've been reluctant to consider myself that way), as well as learning not to trust my instincts and to constantly go to others for help (hello, learned helplessness!)

Now due to the comorbid anxiety issues from years of attempting masking of autism/adhd and the resultant health problems that's caused etc I'm stuck living with him. And doing what I can to get out (eventually got a social worker). He's financially supportive but not emotionally, and it's this weird he's not all terrible but I have so much resentment/hate for the lasting damage he's done/continues to do.

On the other hand, my mum is a lovely person that isn't consistently available/well-suited to the demands of being a mother and has been in another emotionally abusive relationship since childhood (overt narcism? It was fun alternating between abusive environments and learning to give really heartfelt apologies to people who were so wrong but felt they were never wrong. That being said my mum's wife was the scapegoat so I had a good relationship with her growing up because she recognised that dad was doing that to me, and helped my mum see it too)

My sister blames her BPD entirely on mum and her wife (though she currently thinks she's fixed from that trauma - which is ironic given the hateful lecture she sent) and if anything I think that she may have been golden child-ed into it - the combination of preferential/spoilt treatment with the absence of that probably made her feel super entitled to that in both environments, so extra mad about not getting it. (Deep down I think she resents not being the favourite in both environments but sees herself as too nice to think this way so she never acknowledges it.)

My sister can't acknowledge that my dad has been really abusive with me because he's been so good to her. And she lived completely with him when she got kicked out by mum's partner at 16 (honestly I don't feel bad saying I somewhat plotted/then when I saw it could happen I helped this because I found my sister regularly bullying/judging me so much toxic/impossible to live with, and later I'd politely/tactfully admitted this to her because she didn't realise) And because I react so badly to him she treats me like I'm this horrendous person and scapegoats me.

So she sent me this rant so bad and so LITTERED with massive triggers that I've blocked her (I said I wouldn't come to her wedding which I think is sensible, I was thinking before this it's not a good idea) and in a perfect world, I would feel so much happier/safer with her out of my life - (unless of course she realised she was the golden child. Won't happen though!)

She said I was 'extremely lucky' to have dad and his side of the family, should have 'the self-respect' to not live with someone I hate (which is so horrible and insensitive considering that I've been trying to get out etc. also not as simple as just hating my covert-narcissist dad. I harsly but well-deservedly pointed out not all of us have the fortune of riding our partners' coat-tails - lecturing me on not being independent when she's not spent more than a week single!), that I'm taking a victim mentality. As good as said I was abusive and words to the effect of me 'needing help', something she loves to tell me a LOT and something I think anyone with a modicum of empathy should avoid saying so tactlessly. When is 'you need help' ever not an insult? You could say maybe x could help. Make the recommendations etc but combining 'need' and 'help' with that judging tone is horrible.

It was just awful so many insults but with this 'I'm doing all this to help you because I care' - this pious, holier than thou, martyr type attitude mixed with really cruel, heartless, thoughtless destabilising things. The combination makes it feel so much worse, at least when someone's cruel they should know it!

And it's just horrible to have someone who has seen my abuse firsthand keep telling me it isn't real because they've not had to go through it. Especially because it being covert my dad has kept his issues well hidden by the family and neighbours.

As much as she wants to claim I take no responsibility for my issues, that's not the truth I simply recognise that I didn't originate the problems. My sister and dad are like flames (which have badly burnt me) and I've been like gasoline (I'm extra sensitive and emotional so react strongly) harmless in itself but extremely reactive to fires.

Then it's me that gets singlehandedly seen as being behind the fires - especially because autism/ADHD vs neurotypical is very akin to the scapegoat/golden child relationship - one gets blamed and is responsible for adapting/changing, the other is seen as the golden standard and ideal communication style for all. One has it's needs ignored than gets blamed for reacting badly while the others' needs are so well catered to it's like it doesn't have any needs. One is disabled the other is abled etc.

I know and have felt bad about the fact I can be extremely destructive when provoked but I have never instigated. I've again never hid this, even when recounting arguments I give some details of what I've said that isn't fair etc.  It's painful to be scapegoated when you can recognise your role but the perpetrators never have to deal with theirs. (Again this is exacerbated with autism etc because a lot of the issues are likely trauma responses from rejection/misunderstanding, needs not being tended to. What's actually autism vs trauma?)

I got scapegoated for everything and it's horrible being blamed for poor reactions while no one is recognising the source how much you are damaged by that. Very vicious cycle. Since I never tried to hide my 'dark-side' so it's really painful that my dad and sister have hid their's so well that everyone around them has also ended up scapegoating me. It's so alienating.

There's many reasons I can't have her in my life. On a tangent but one being her bullying me and me taking the full blame. She'd call me fat and ugly and other horrible things repeatedly, unprovoked and just to hurt me until I'd snap lose my crap and hit her to make it stop. Mum thankfully realised there must be more too me just hitting her out of nowhere - dad never did. (Ideally parents should take both children aside and question them politely taking on board what was said. No shaming just listening and teaching.)

Then she'd say I was a 'thug' 'destined for jail' and dad would agree, they ganged up on me constantly and joined into each other's arguments with me. It's overwhelming for any child especially one who gets overwhelmed more easily. I'd get entirely blamed and all because she enjoyed provoking and being mean to me. (Actually none of the bruises lasted and I'm still deeply emotionally scared by being called fat and ugly so regularly).

Yeah sorry, this is so long and I could just keep adding to it because there's very few spaces you can talk openly about experiencing abuse. My family don't really see it and with friends you have to earn the level of friendship to justify discussing abuse. Also it is tough making/having friendships when you have ADHD/autism because of constant misunderstandings - your ways are pretty alien to people.

(Actually, I think I'm figuring that out better now - fling my eccentricities at people and see which ones don't run away! I'm finding having friends of all ages/different nationalities is great I think people who make friends more easily have some prejudices about who to be friends with so there's a beauty in being more open-minded and not having to find identical people)

So if anyone's read all this - thank you - it's so appreciated because I've felt so silenced, so misunderstood, so alienated and being scapegoated when you are part of marginalised groups is extra intense. I'd appreciate replies too.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi !
I just wanted to let you know I read your post and I am sorry you are struggling right now.
I know some more experienced and wiser users of this forum will surely have better words for you than I currently can give.

One thing that jumped at me though is that you might find it helpful to read : the three faces of the victim, which can be found in the library : Content for critique...

Another user recommended it for me, it talks about Karpman Triangle (maybe you already know about it), and I think it would surely help better understand what is happening between your sister and you. Reading your post, I think your sister can safely be assumed as having taken the "starting gate rescuer" position. There is a lot of wisdom in this article.

I personnally find it very helpful to understand my family dynamic. It just provides some extra tools to not engage in the abuse, and decrease your own pain while you heal.

Don't wait on them to give you the love and empathy you need, we all need to learn to give it to ourselves. It takes time.

Hugs

[pennymoo]

hi Suckstobeagoat, & welcome.
I just want to say to you yes, this is one thing I have been struggling with too (scapegoating) & yes it hurts like nothing on earth and can really make you doubt your own self at times. It is so cruel and can really make you feel that somehow or other you are living in an alternative universe to everyone else.
I see that the article on "Three Faces of Victim" has already been recommended to you, I found this really helpful. Also some links to some articles about scapegoating were posted to me when I was expressing these same sorts of emotions as you are now - theses links can be found in the thread "How do you deal with the pain and rejection".
Hope these help you as they did me. That said, it helps, it doesnt take all the pain away, but nor does it minimise or discount your pain. By reading this however,  you can begin to understand and realise you are not the only one who goes through this.
Best wishes and a big hug to you as you go through this.x