Anyone gone NC with entire FOO

[HopinAndPrayin]

Has anyone else gone fully NC with their FOO?  I’m cautiously optimistic.

My last remaining relationship within my family of origin imploded this morning. My youngest sister who is likely uBPd (she mentioned she meets all the diagnostic criteria when my exH was being professionally diagnosed) threatened to call the police on me if I didn’t return her dogs to her by the end of this weekend.  I was watching them, at her request, while she traveled over Christmas. 

While she was gone, I had an EGD and several biopsies due to multiple abnormalities.  According to the dr, “nothing looks normal here.”  After 30 years of GERD, I wasn’t surprised - 75% narrowing of the esophagus, significant lymphectasia in the duodenum, and many polyps in the gastric body that were all respected and sent to the lab.

She got back late Thursday night.  I was sleeping when she texted yesterday (Friday) morning.  When I didn’t respond within an hour she texted again telling me there was no reason I shouldn’t have responded so she was going to do a wellness check.  This is the same sister who will go days or weeks without responding to text.  I had told her I would get in touch with her about a day and time for her to pick them up. (I had tried to discuss pick up time with her before her travels and she refused to set a date or time.) Instead, she shows up, rings the doorbell, phones, and texts, expecting me to bring them to the door.  I happened to be in the shower.

This morning I get another text and it’s she wants to make sure I’m well enough to care for her dogs.  I texted her back that I would be in touch with a day and time for pick up. I reiterated I was still healing from my procedure. I told her her dogs were well taken care of as always. I have two kids come over and walk my dogs as well as hers.  They also put down fresh kibble and water.  I also told her not to show up unannounced again.  My T and I had worked through this outcome to let her deal with the consequences of failing to engage in the planning discussion before traveling.

My sister’s response was to text back “Know what. It doesn't matter. If you don't give me the dogs back by the end if the weekend I'm calling the police.”

I had already run into major issues with her lack of planning before and I only stepped in when she was truly in danger (eg staying in her unheated apartment in Austin during storm URI last February).  Yes, her response was as expected for someone with BPD, but I just hit my limit.  I get her focus was on her needs to the exclusion of all else, but it just fully hit me how my health and well-being were not even on her radar and with that, I was done.

Due to the extent of the biopsies taken, the damage from decades of GERD, and what my dr believes may be food allergies, I’m on some pretty strong medications and I’m still experiencing nausea.  I’ve been told not to lift anything greater than 5 lbs for the next 7-10 days.  I called for the girls who walk my dogs to come over last minute, put the crate and the dogs out on the back porch and texted my sister she could come by at any time to pick them up, but I was done.

The best I can figure is she believed I was going to try to keep her dogs or that I was willfully endangering them.  She accused me of endangering her by putting the keys to her car under the drivers seat when she had to pick up her car.  It was sitting under a motions sensor strong security light and an ADT monitored security camera.  I’ve watched her dogs for 8 years over the holidays without incident. She wanted what she wanted when she wanted it and I could go screw myself if I wasn’t willing to drop everything to make them available to her.

It’s only been a few hours since the full fallout, but I don’t feel any sadness or loss yet. Maybe it’s denial.  But I also know I’ve been toying with needing to go very LC or NC with her for years.  Whenever I do see her, she makes little jabs or does things to prioritize herself and her dogs to the exclusion of me or my dogs (eg her dog can’t control himself around a type of food, so all the dog food has to come up, except I have a free feeding dog with dementia).  I’ve told her the food will stay down for my dogs health and yet each time I walk through the room, she’s picked it up and put it on a countertop.  They’re all little things, but it’s the motivation behind them, the unwillingness or inability to integrate what both of us need to find a mutually agreeable option.

So, for those who have gone fully NC with their FOO, what am I potentially in store for?  I’m really stuck in relieved optimism right now.

[zachira]

I've never gone completely NC with FOO though I have considered it. My challenge is I have legal and financial ties to some of my FOO that need to be legally ended before going NC is an option. I am low contact with my FOO. It is helpful to limit your contact to give yourself time to heal whether that be extremely low contact or no contact with your FOO. My brother threatened to report me for elder abuse and he had the flying monkeys to support him, even though he was the one abusing my mother. Your sister's threats are a serious danger to your safety, and you are experiencing emotional and health challenges that are telling you to distance from your sister which may mean having no contact/very low contact with your FOO because of how they enable her.

[missing NC]

Relieved optimism sounds about right, HopinAndPrayin.  I'm sorry to hear about your sister's behavior and your health issues.

Assuming she has picked up the dogs, she will get in touch in the future when you she is again interested in having you help her in some fashion.  I know it's tempting to be honest about the impact of her behavior on you, but I would not emphasize now or in the future that you are permanently cutting off contact as there is some chance that will ramp things up. For instance, if she is far enough along the BPD spectrum, she may convince herself that you abused her dogs and yours and contact the authorities.  You will have an easier time, if you just say that your health precludes you doing whatever it is she wants you to do.  If you are forced to interact with her at some point in the future (for instance due to aging parents), "grey rock" is your best bet.   

In answer to your question regarding going NC with one's family of origin. I am NC with my sister and her young adult children, my niece and nephew.  My brother is also NC with her/them.  Our parents are deceased.  At this point, my brother and I text and exchange photos and videos a few times per year. 

Wishing you a better 2022 on both the family and health fronts. 

[beatricex]

hi Hopinandprayin,
How are you doing?  Have you had any more contact with your sister?

I found this article about bordline mothers, but it could probably be applied to borderline sisters as well.  Apparently there are two types.

https://armchairdeductions.wordpress.com/2019/04/16/the-borderline-mother-matriarchy-and-its-discontents/

What I found interesting about the article was that it describes why some stay and some leave a BPD mother.  I have 5 siblings, and yes I have gone no contact with my entire FOO.  I always wondered why I had the strength, the courage, the insight, that my siblings seem to lack.  This article was helpful to me as it explains the other side, what my siblings are likely experiencing.  Kind of a long read, but I hope it helps someone.

My reason in a nutshell for going NC with my entire FOO are explained in the article:
Being “perfectly presentable” to an invalidating and abusive parent ensured safety during childhood, but it prevents authenticity that develops through healthy exploration.

As a result, I have become a more authentic person, with my own likes and dislikes, I'm no longer enmeshed in an unhealthy dance with my FOO.  I can think clearly now, I don't have to stop and think back to what Mom (or Dad) wants, I decide what I want.  I am no longer viscously labeled and scapegoated.  My self esteem has improved.  The feelings of shame are leaving my body.  Like you described, I feel relieved and...free at last.

 

b

[zachira]

Beatricex,
Thank you for a great article and resources.