Need advice: uBPD ex and I still spend time together

[So many questions]

 really love my ex. I wish I had found this site sooner. I’ve read tons of forums and finally feel I need some support too.

We dated 2 years, have been broken up for 2 months. It ended really badly. She had a bad freak out, broke up with me out of nowhere for the 6th time in 2 months. And then made my reaction out to be something it wasn’t to her family/friends. So to her “I would get back together with you today, but that’s not possible”

We went no contact for 2 weeks. She showed up at my house at 2 AM but I wasn’t there. We went no contact again for 3 weeks. She called me out of nowhere one night after I was blocked that entire time. I had just experienced a tragic loss and was reeling, she came over and it was just an amazing night and next day. We talked so calmly and maturely. We were intimate. We discussed tough subjects and took accountability, although there was 1 thing she still wouldn’t admit to. I didn’t press it. I accepted it. Granted I’ve learned so much about BPD, I know what things to avoid saying and had a much better standing of my reactions vs. her triggers. It was just nice to have her back and not be fully painted black.

We started texting more. She came over again one night and it was again really great. I’ve been in therapy since the split and I think she recognizes how much I’m working on myself.
We spent last weekend together just hanging at my house, relaxing. We agreed no intimacy this time. It was again amazing, and just felt like we were back to a really good place. Yesterday morning she had the realization that she can’t be doing this and sort of made things awkward. I let her go and just said okay I accept whatever you feel or decide. I’ve been trying to just love without condition or expectation. I didn’t expect to talk to her for weeks again.

But later that night a mutual friend passed and she called me to talk about it. She ended up again at my house. But this morning, I saw her split. I literally saw it. It wasn’t on me. It was on her own stuff. She has been dealing with owning a business with her NPD ex the entire time we dated. And I just saw the anger and rage come out, and even though it wasn’t at me, she became cold and unaffectionate. She sort of snapped at me. But since I didn’t react and just took it,, her affection towards me came back as I dropped her off at home.

For me it sort of scared me but made me realize how quickly a split can happen. It made me question for the first time if that’s something I want to deal with forever.

She says she wants to go back to therapy. And leave her business. And quit drinking. But none of that has happened yet. i will say she has been doing a lot better mentally, emotionally, and with her choices.

My questions:

Is there any actual hope we would get back together or am I just hanging onto the bond until one of us find someone else?

Her roommate was gone all weekend  and she hates staying home alone, was I just used as means for comfort?

Is that all I am? A means of comfort? We’re not in a relationship, so she can do whatever she pleases, and I just have to be accepting and loving. It’s not like she’s out being wild or with others (that I know of), but I still worry I’m just a safety net.

She claims she is unavailable to others and isn’t going to be intimate with anyone for a year. I am actually doing the same as I loved her and wanted to marry her, so none of that interests me. But she said she wouldn’t mind us meeting up once a month to be intimate.

I’m being an idiot, aren’t I. It’s so confusing loving someone with such a complex mind.

My reasoning is, if I can love this person without conditions, and get to a point where I love, forgive and accept the way things are. Even with seeing her now and then. Then I am no longer codependent on her, which I very much was. It’s something I’ve always struggled with.

Any advice, support, or constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. I’ve gained so much knowledge from this site and appreciate you all.

[ForeverDad]

I really love my ex.

But does she love You?  In a healthy, functional way?  Most of us discovered that a seriously dysfunctional relationship was simply too unhealthy to continue.

Is there any actual hope we would get back together or am I just hanging onto the bond until one of us find someone else?

Talking about you... It is not healthy to "hang onto a bond" while finding someone else.  A rebound relationship generally doesn't work out.  You need to recover from the failed relationship first and that takes time.  (Do not be surprised if she finds a replacement quickly, that's part of the disordered thinking.)

Her roommate was gone all weekend  and she hates staying home alone, was I just used as means for comfort?

Yes, you could be simmering on the back burner (stove analogy).  But it could also be her off-again, on-again life perceptions that are following her up-and-down moods and emotional inclinations.

Do you really want a life of continued break-ups?  (Meanwhile be sure you don't risk having a baby with her, that would link you to these patterns and worse for the next 20 years and more.)

[So many questions]

But does she love You?  In a healthy, functional way?  Most of us discovered that a seriously dysfunctional relationship was simply too unhealthy to continue.

Talking about you... It is not healthy to "hang onto a bond" while finding someone else.  A rebound relationship generally doesn't work out.  You need to recover from the failed relationship first and that takes time.  (Do not be surprised if she finds a replacement quickly, that's part of the disordered thinking.)

Yes, you could be simmering on the back burner (stove analogy).  But it could also be her off-again, on-again life perceptions that are following her up-and-down moods and emotional inclinations.

Do you really want a life of continued break-ups?  (Meanwhile be sure you don't risk having a baby with her, that would link you to these patterns and worse for the next 20 years and more.)

Thank you so much for response. I know she loves me and things between us have been better than ever. But that might be cause I’m in therapy and learned a lot of this disorder, and have been okay with letting go of the past. I’m not sure if she is capable of being with someone in a healthy loving way. Not without therapy and life changes. I don’t have any intention of finding someone else, I just assume she will. So in essence I have to be okay with being her on again, off again, go to. It’s probably detrimental to my own growth.

And no, I had that realization today that I do not want to continue with how things were. But I have seen change. And if we both took honest time to heal and get professional help. I can’t say I wouldn’t want to atleast try and see if making it work is possible.  I’m just not sure how long that will last.

I’ve became much stronger with accepting how things are and just appreciating our time together, since the break up was so bad. I’d like to get to a spot where I can be okay single, and see her if that’s what happens. I’m too forgiving and feel like grace is all people need to be show, to grow. That isn’t the case. Thank you again for your response. 

[kells76]

Hi So many questions,

What you mentioned here stood out to me:

I do not want to continue with how things were. But I have seen change. And if we both took honest time to heal and get professional help. I can’t say I wouldn’t want to atleast try and see if making it work is possible.  I’m just not sure how long that will last.

It's good that you recognize that the way things were isn't sustainable. You'd like for things to change, to be better.

One idea that gets talked about a lot here is that the only person we can change... is ourselves.

Sometimes, when we work on ourselves to improve our communication skills, to build more tools to cope with stress, and to dig deep into why we were drawn to a relationship with a pwBPD, we can get to a place where we pretty consistently choose a healthier path, and we can invite the pwBPD to accompany us in health.

What we can't do is control whether they join us or not.

So, that's something to consider -- do you think you're willing to do some work on yourself by seeing a professional (therapist, counselor, etc), and then be OK with whatever your GF chooses? She may respond well to your healthier communication and better skills... or, she may choose another path. Yet, the only person you can control is you, and the only path to healthier relational skills you can control, is yours.

Food for thought.

Post back whenever works for you -- we'll be interested to hear how you've been doing!

kells76

[So many questions]

Kells

Thank you for your reply and I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to respond. Here’s the update.

I have been in therapy since we broke up in November. I changed many things in my life and she definitely responded to my new healthy way of handling things. I’ve studied BPD relentlessly and have found a way to handle things calmly and not react. The last month has been off and on and it’s starting to take a toll on me. Some weeks we talk every day and she will come spend time with me just hanging out at home. Sometimes she will be drunk and sad and call me and come over. Then usually about a week into us getting close, she pulls back. 2 weeks ago we spent 3-4 days together, talked everyday, she sent pics just lounging or of what she cooked. Things were amazing. I never once have pressed getting back together and have just been carefree and enjoyed our moments together. .

And then suddenly she pulled back. She told me I know her well enough to know when she’s pulling back and the fact I stayed persistent she said was disrespectful to her growth. She called me manipulative and says it feels like we were getting back into a relationship. And then she brought up our break up, as it was my fault and it’s her go-to trump card. I have been nothing but supportive and let her do whatever she feels, no questions asked. I’ve loved her unconditionally. And yet,  She split, again. And didn’t at all take responsibility for giving me the wrong idea or leading me on. So she said she needed to set boundaries but didn’t define them

It’s a cycle. We haven’t talked in 4 days. I love her with every ounce of me. But she hasn’t done anything for “her growth”. She still gets uncontrollably wasted. Still gets angry and lashed out. Hasn’t done therapy. Hasn’t had the medical procedure done that could really help her mentally. I don’t think she will do what she needs to have a healthy relationship, with anyone.

 I just have a really hard time letting go or finding the courage to move on. I know she will be back. I know she will call me one day or text me. I never know how long the silence will last but it’s never been permanent. I love this woman so much and care so deeply for her. I forgive her for everything that happened. I legitimately don’t care. The lies, the cheating, the anger, I get it. I just love her. When the BPD isn’t fuming, she is the most wonderful person ever. I just don’t know how long I can handle the inconsistency. She has no idea what she wants. Everything feel impulsive.

I know what I need to do. But she’s just so good and keeping me around. I understand her at a deep level. And she feels the same. It’s just hard. Loving someone with this thing is the hardest experience of my life.