In Laws

[momto3]

Good afternoon.  I've been lurking her for several months reading and gleaning such helpful information.  I believe my SIL has undiagnosed BPD.  She has been "unstable" since I met her almost 25 years ago.  She is belligerent to her family, yet sweet as honey to anyone outside of the family.  In fact, I'd say that most anyone would flat out refuse to believe some of the things she has said and done to her parents and my husband (her brother).  She has a definite hatred for my husband that has grown to include me.  Several years ago, she and her children stayed with us while she was escaping a violent (violent on both parts) relationship.  We opened our home to her and her children in a very financially difficult time for ourselves.  We really don't know why she hates us so much, other than she "thinks" that my husband is "the favorite."  He is most definitely NOT.
 She has said vile, vile things about us.  When she decided she was "done with us" we took her at her word and held her to it.  We stopped all in-person contact, blocked all social media contact, and stopped responding to her raging text messages with anything other than "I'm sorry you feel that way, we choose to forgive and move on."  Well, as you can imagine, this riled her up even more.  Her parents enable her.  They have made her a trustee over their irrevocable trust, and made her their medical power of attorney, even though she treats them like crap.  She never checks on them, we do.  She never helps them with anything - we do.  She refuses to be around us, or them, unless of course, she needs something from them in the way of money or help around her home (she's divorced).  And, of course, because they want to believe that she'll eventually change, they bend over backwards for her. 

I've read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and have learned that some of our tactics for dealing with her probably made things worse.  In fact, I absolutely refuse to "validate" her.  She is a vindictive, manipulative person who has damaged her relationship with her brother and parents irreversibly.  She refuses to accept that any of the problems they have could be because of her and her actions.  Holidays are awful.  My inlaws are upset because she won't celebrate with them, and we are always afraid she'll show up after saying she's not coming and cause a scene (which has happened on a couple of occasions). 

I guess my question is, how do we respond to her?  Again, I won't validate her.  I won't teach my children that acting in that manner is in any way acceptable.  How do we move forward with aging parents that want her to be in charge of their estate and health care, when they know, good and well, that she won't do what they have outlined for her to do in the trust (they have admitted that they know she won't follow the terms, yet they won't break the trust).  Most days, I'd just like to move far far away and never think of any of them again, but I know that isn't possible, nor is the RIGHT thing to do. 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Unfortunately, there is no magic solution when it comes to dealing with someone with a BPD.

I feel your anger, and I get it. They do have a way to bring havoc and drama into our lives, which is hard when all you really want is peace and joy. Life is hard enough as is without someone constantly pushing our limits and shaming/guilting us every chance they get. And so, I really understand where you are coming from.

But like many articles you will find here, it is a personnality disorder, which means they won't change, and that the only way to change the relationship, or at least to make it bearable, is to use the tools that psychologists have shown to work best, i.e.grey rocking and validation.

I truly understand why you wouldn't want your children to learn this kind of behaviors is admissible... So how about teaching them their aunt is mentally sick? The truth behind BPD is deep hurt and pain, and while I don't want to paint them as victims, it helps to come from a place of understanding that they just can't control themselves, and they are in pain. It helps to understand that what they say, what they do, is never truly about us, but really always about them and their trauma...

Trust me, I get it. I also hate that we always have to be the biggest person with them. And sometimes I do wonder if they truly can't control themselves or if they actually do, and somewhere along the way, we went with it and make excuses for them: If BPD is a sickness, it leaves us with no choice but to endure and actually be the biggest person. As a daughter of a borderline mother, I do feel it to be deeply unjust. She basically ruined my self esteem, she ruined the start of my life... Most of my issues came from her freaking needs of constant attention and violent outbursts.  I was a victim, I was a young child looking for love who got physically and emotionally hurt by a grown woman, and yet: I have to somehow still be the biggest person because "poor her, she is sick and carry trauma". I really get the anger...

But truth is, in the end: anger won't help you, nor your family, to deal better with her... And understanding and love have shown to bring me much more peace of mind than anger... Don't get me wrong, I still get angry at all this unfairness sometimes, it is normal,  and we are here everytime you need to vent, that's for sure.

As for your parents in law... Any way they somehow feel responsible for her disorder and this is their way of dealing with their own guilt? And how is your husband dealing with the whole situation?

[pursuingJoy]

Glad you came out of lurking to say hi.

I want to echo what RW said, and I'm also curious about how your husband is handling all of this.

I guess my question is, how do we respond to her?  

I'm sorry for all you've been through. I fully expected to get along with all of my in-laws. What's happened to you and me and others is so sad. Your SIL's actions have done a lot of harm. Prioritize your own healing, if you can.  Get some space, take care of yourself. My BPD MIL hurt me and wreaked havoc on my marriage. I fought and cried and shared my opinion and feelings until I learned about BPD and realized what I was doing was making things worse. I could not respond to my MIL in an appropriate and helpful way until I reached my emotional baseline again, and felt like I was going to be ok. Took me about a year of not seeing her, therapy and venting here to get back to baseline.

I SO relate to your refusal to validate. Honestly, developing empathy for my MIL was difficult for a long time.

There are different PD's where people exhibit truly vindictive and hateful behavior with the intent to cause harm. If your SIL has BPD, her harmful behavior is driven by a fear of abandonment. She feels every pain intensely, like walking around without skin. There is an effective way to validate BPD feelings without validating their behavior. It's a skill that takes time to learn, does not come naturally, and can be applied in nonBPD relationships. I can understand all of that and still admit that I don't want to validate MIL's feelings. My H does a great job of it and I let him handle it.

How do we move forward with aging parents that want her to be in charge of their estate and health care, when they know, good and well, that she won't do what they have outlined for her to do in the trust (they have admitted that they know she won't follow the terms, yet they won't break the trust).  

It's highly unlikely that your SIL will seek treatment, or even admit fault. I don't see your in-laws changing their mind. It's their estate and health care, so it's their call to make unless you have legal recourse? What other options have you and your husband explored?

One of the hardest things about BPD is feeling powerless to choose, like I'm at the mercy of everyone around me. If you can relate, remember what you're choosing. You want to run, but you're choosing to stay. You're choosing to learn and explore new tools. You're choosing to tell your story and get support.  

Does your SIL ever triangulate family members? Pit one against another?

[Riv3rW0lf]

I just wanted to clarify that understanding and love does not exclude low or no contact... Which is what I had to instigate with my uBPDm. I validate her needs (without devaluing mine), and I basically talk to her like I love her and understand her (I get rid of all blame or anger before having a discussion and I try to act detached) but I have a low contact relationship with her right now, and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.