Where I am at the moment with BPD mother

[Goldcrest]

Hey all, the support and advice I have had here has been invaluable to me lately. As some may remember my mum has uBPD and my dad who was a life-long, staunch enabler died quite traumatically (internal bleeding due to stomach ulcers) in October. At the hospital their were things I witnessed that were really painful to see my dad go through. I am still processing so much of this. At the hospital I was mum and my mum was a toddler in her behaviour.

Again you lovely people will remember that I keep losing my temper with my mum, something I was never able to do while my dad was alive (for fear of disappointing him and fear of my mother) I adored my dad but he really didn't give a   about my brother and I, frequently throwing us under the bus. So many terrible things happened to my brother and I, and since we have been back in touch after 14 years we are approaching the memories together.

My mum has cancer. For the last 4 years she has used her cancer to keep me close. Frequently she would be telling me she was approaching the end...only to suddenly be in remission again. The cancer isn't a lie but the extend of how ill she is, is. Now my mum is also a widow, and cancer and a widow is a strong victim identity. My dad left all his estate to my mum, she is incredibly wealthy. I have always taken care of myself financially but certainly inheritance would help me enormously, I manage because I am very frugal.

My mum now in control of large sums of money, has astonished me at how much control she now has over many people in her life. Dad used money to control her previously, it was all he had to manage her. Now gone she has the keys to the kingdom LOL. My mother will use inheritance to try and keep me close. I have talked about this before on here but I am now at the point where some days I just don't care about hoping to inherit something. My dad wanted us to have something at the end but I really don't see it happening and I know that if I can walk away from it in my head, I will see her on my terms. Mum is about to inherit another large sum from my aunt, who also died recently. She has promised that money will be given to my brother and I (sometimes gives the impression that is all we will get). When I try to put in a boundary with her, she will ask "don't you want AUNTS NAME money?".

Mum has me texting once a day, she leaves long voicemails (right up to permitted message time runs out) twice daily, these can be Queen or Waif. I try to phone her every few days but often I lose my temper because my Grey Rock is whittled to a tiny pebble. Currently I have blocked her number after our last argument. I am on a two week break with no contact from me or her. I feel okay, I am coming on here daily, seeing my T and watching Dr Ramani on youtube. I know that I will make contact again in a couple of weeks. I know I need to start a plan for walking away from all this. To give up on any inheritance. My brother is wealthy so doesn't want it but does urge me to keep contact because he wants me to have something. My ex-husband is the same, he has seen what it has done to me and to our marriage. Even my T is encouraging me to keep going.

I know that their is no win in this situation. I am afraid of no contact. Low contact is hard with her because she is so good at drawing me back in. I can lose my temper with her one day but the next she can have me agreeing to something and I am too scared to tell her no. I can fight the queen but I can't seem to withhold my love from the waif. I liken it to a parent with a drug addict child. The child begs that they will get clean and it will be okay and the parents trust them, then the child goes and steals from them again to get high.

I think I just needed to get all this off my chest and if anyone has any comments, I am always so grateful for them. Thanks all.

[BigWideWorld]

My mum has suspected BPD and its a favourite game of hers to use her will against people.

My dad died of cancer in 2016 and her behaviour went on a downward spiral and that's when we reused there was more complex mental health issues going on than we previously realised.

She is the family warmonger, she can't stop herself, she thrives on conflict. She has chopped and changed the will that many times by scribbling on it that my uncles wife who used to work for a law firm told her she'd completely invalidated it.

This time last year she was a nightmare, threatening suicide, being mentally abusive to myself, my brother and my aunt (her younger sister), she disowned us all but I think she expected us all to go begging for her forgiveness but bad as it sounds we were happy to be without her.

She was all for my eldest brother at that point, he's not a nice bloke, he was raised by another aunt because my mum couldn't cope, I find him too much like her plus he's greedy for his inheritance.

So the upshot at that point was she'd scribbled us all out of the will and he was well in except for the fact that she'd defaced it to point of invalidating it anyway.

Eventually she fell out with eldest son spectacularly and started drawing us all back in to her family group which it's hard to say no when it's a parent and they switch into nice mode. It took along while for my aunt to be drawn back, that only happened because she's so good natured and couldn't ignore my mum sending a Xmas card and reaching out at Xmas. My aunt is very wary and ready to pull back if my mum gets mean again.

I was at my mums the other day and she totally cannot let the war with eldest son go, she's dying fir conflict again, she tells me things he supposedly said about me and that he told her to cut me out the will, she tells my aunt that caled her names - the constant stirring of the pot is tedious, none of us are rising to the bait. Thing is despite everything I do for her, she whinges about me to my other brother.

The will was redone and once again I'm now executor and there's a will with the letter to explain why eldest Don is cut out of it, she told me I'll have a court battle when she dies - thanks for that mum!

What makes me mad is it's dad's money that he worked hard for and he wouldn't want her playing the games she does with it.

Realising she was probably BPD (her mother was the same too) is good in a way because you get an explanation as to what's going on but the sad thing is knowing she'll likely never change and never be capable of much social interaction. My dad's side of the family couldn't take her behaviour after he died and ditched her.

I put myself and my life first, I won't play her games - I'm happy to walk away at any point and put barriers up as are my brother and aunt.

[Notwendy]

I keep losing my temper with my mum, something I was never able to do while my dad was alive (for fear of disappointing him and fear of my mother) I adored my dad but he really didn't give a   about my brother and I, frequently throwing us under the bus.

I can relate to this as I also didn't lose my temper with my mother out of fear of losing approval for my father, and I adored him. I think he probably did care about his kids, but his approval was contingent on my mother's moods and so it was conditional on us being compliant with her. I did lose my temper with her when I felt I had nothing left to lose as far as pleasing Dad was concerned but learned quickly that no good comes from that.

I don't think my father controlled my mother with money, but she uses money to control people. He did leave her a generous amount of money. Our concern was not any inheritance ( as her scapegoat child, there is no expectation of anything on my part) but that she tends to manage it poorly and we want it to be used for her needs. However, she refuses to allow us to help her with this and keeps her financial situation private from us and we have realized it's better we are not involved in areas of her life she wants to control.

I don't know if my father would have wanted to leave something for us or not. It didn't matter what he wanted. Only what she wants. There were some sentimental possessions of his that I wanted but she has controlled those too and used them to control me. I learned that the only way I could be out of this control was to let go of wanting anything of hers. She did later decide to  give me some things - for my children, but as far as my interactions with her- I do not ask her for anything. If I do, she'd refuse to let me have it.

When my father passed away, she disowned me. I could have gone NC at the time, but didn't feel right about that. I also know that she does things at the time of anger and then doesn't feel that way later. She later "reowned" me but by then, I had begun to detach more, and it didn't "draw me back" into the emotional drama. My concern about being disowned was that I wanted to know if it was my father's wishes to do that or hers. I think it was hers, but her wishes prevailed anyway.

I also decided LC was more fitting. It helped to feel I chose it. A wise friend suggested I call her once a week, make it a scheduled call. That way, if she called me another time, I could say " I can't talk right now- we will talk on that day". Having a schedule worked because she knew I would call, and I could manage the once a week. On my part, I stay calm, and not emotional. (most of the time- I am not perfect and yes, I have lost my reserve at times).

But what comes first is self care- you need to take care of you and only call when you feel you can be less reactive. Right now you are grieving and processing. Do what you need to do to take care of you.

Detachment for me also means not expecting anything of hers. Yes, I feel sad that Dad's hard earned money and possessions are not being managed or cared for in the way I would have wanted them to be, but he left them to her. They are hers now and as long as I was emotionally attached to anything of his, I was not detached from her control.

[Goldcrest]

BigWideWorld and Notwendy thank you for your helpful responses.

I often ask myself if their was no money would it be easier to walk away. The truth is yes. My mother has nothing to give me as a parent, only more stress and pain. All my life my parents have promised things that have never materialised, so deep down I know that the money probably won't be left to my brother and I. My dad used to say you are only as good as the last thing you did for someone. I was always measured on what I did in recent memory.

There is a huge cast of characters all suddenly very interested in my mother and circling, she sees them as befitting of inheritance because they are "wonderful people" and "have been amazing to her", she buys them gifts and lunches. Even the home help - who is paid - is a special person for all the care she gives, IT'S HER JOB. A simple thing that made me cry recently is that my parents have never given me a key to our family home. My mother was telling me that she has had the locks oiled because everyones keys were sticking. The neighbour, the neighbours mother, her close friends and the home help all have keys. One time she had to "lend" me a key and was so worried about getting it back. When I suggested I could get my own key cut she got very paranoid. My own mother is afraid of me entering her home uninvited.

BigWideWorld

What makes me mad is it's dad's money that he worked hard for and he wouldn't want her playing the games she does with it.

This is what makes me sad too. My dad honestly believed that she would do the right thing with his money. All ready she is punch drunk with the power she has. She will tell anyone who will listen how much she has been left, pretending to feign ignorance at how much is it all worth. She leaves herself so vulnerable to being exploited by scammers too.

NotWendy

Detachment for me also means not expecting anything of hers. Yes, I feel sad that Dad's hard earned money and possessions are not being managed or cared for in the way I would have wanted them to be, but he left them to her. They are hers now and as long as I was emotionally attached to anything of his, I was not detached from her control.

I think this is the slow realisation that I am sitting with. I need to separate from the fantasy that I might be made more comfortable by the inheritance. I need to stand fully on my own two feet and see that I really do have to look after myself. All the time I hope that I might get something, I leave myself vulnerable to her.

I have seen that the problem is with me, in so far as I vacillate between holding a boundary well and then crumbling when the waif calls to me. My mum is a master manipulator. She can use voice, body language and deflection to get you to bend to her will. When my mum is drawing me in again, she will say all the things I want to hear and I start to think it will be okay.

I am getting there. I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and that's okay. Sometimes it stuns me that my dad is dead because it has been all about my mothers grief and pain. I find it hard to get in touch with the loss. I think I really believed that my dad would provide for us at the end of his life, that he would have made some small provision. I am facing the fact that I need to be brave and make my own way.

[Notwendy]

I don't think it's unusual for them to appear to prefer total strangers to their close family when it comes to possessions. My mother also is more generous to others than to me. It's not personal though- it comes with control. Sometimes it's mutual - they are in it for the money and go along with her for that.

I guess it's easier to not have expectations or hope, because my mother controlled the money all along and my father was not "allowed" to give me anything without her permission. Once there was something of his I wanted ( not expensive but sentimental) and he told me to sneak it out of the house so she wouldn't see he gave it to me. It's been later that I wondered- he was a grown man and he earned the money- yet, she controlled it.

My mother has built a circle of people who think she's wonderful and she gains the attention she wants with them. I have seen her with them and her "sweet little old lady act" is acting. Then there are certain unscrupulous helpers who have stolen things from her, or she gave them away to them. She'd rather they have them than her own children. Yes, this could be perceived as hurtful but I refuse to go there- as much as possible. She doesn't give me gifts but on a milestone birthday I received a package in the mail from a nice store. Thinking maybe she did send me something nice, I opened it and it was a cheap trinket- literally the cheapest thing in the catalogue and something I had no interest in. I actually cried when I opened it. Not because I want something or expect anything of value from her, but the actual idea that Dad left her enough money to afford something I might want and she deliberately chose that. It didn't even have to be costly- had she sent a sweater, or a book I might like, it would have reflected some thought on her part.

Was it to be mean on purpose? I don't think so. I realized she hardly knows me- the real me- the person I am, and giving me a trinket is her idea of being thoughtful I guess.

My mother also has seemed oblivious to her children's grief. I have mentioned to her that "I lost a father" and her reply is "I lost a husband". Kindness and empathy came from other people. Please seek out the people who can be kind to you. Your close friends. Even strangers were kinder to me than she was as I broke into tears in public several times- asking me if I was OK. Don't expect empathy from people who can not show it.

[Goldcrest]

Notwendy

She doesn't give me gifts but on a milestone birthday I received a package in the mail from a nice store. Thinking maybe she did send me something nice, I opened it and it was a cheap trinket- literally the cheapest thing in the catalogue and something I had no interest in. I actually cried when I opened it. Not because I want something or expect anything of value from her, but the actual idea that Dad left her enough money to afford something I might want and she deliberately chose that. It didn't even have to be costly- had she sent a sweater, or a book I might like, it would have reflected some thought on her part.

I feel for you with the above. For me this has always been painful. I have never had a gift from my mother, only a cheque for a small amount on birthdays and Christmas. I buy and make (a quilt, quilted cushions, crocheted items) things that I have thought hard about to please my mother. As you say they don't really know us. When I was younger my mother would ask me what I might like for my birthday and when I told her what it was she would be incapable of making the purchase herself. She would say, i'll give you the money and you can go buy it. Of course that cash would end up spent on much needed essentials by me. It was laziness from her. No concept of how meaningful the act of buying and wrapping the gift would have been. I was always being given her cast offs too.

I know I have to detach the way she treats me from the way I view my worth. Very important lesson. I think the pain of not inheriting is like the last denial of our worth but another way of looking at it is I set myself free. I set myself free from her wrangling.

[Notwendy]

Somehow I think this kind of relationship involves losses of some sort. I don't think we can control that but still have a choice. It may be financial losses, or loss of sentimental possessions, or the loss of our own control if remaining attached to anything my BPD mother controls. For me, that included some sentimental items, and also other family members who remain in her circle. My most important attachment was to my father.

I think the pain of not inheriting is like the last denial of our worth

Absolutely and that was the hardest part for me. Not money but the question- did I matter to my father? Did he consider me? Did he even love me? When BPD mother disowned me, she also told her family and the friends they had to not speak to me- and they complied. I wanted to ask them - was this my Dad's wishes or her idea? I could not even ask, and I really wanted to know if this was my father's wishes or not, because that for me, would tell me what he thought of our relationship.

My mother has also said mean things to me about him. I told her I didn't want to discuss him with her.  Her response? "How dare you tell me I can't speak about my husband" to which I replied "you can speak about him all you want, but I won't listen to it" and I have not discussed him with her after that.

I just want to remember my father the way I choose, not through her narrative.

[GaGrl]

I know I have to detach the way she treats me from the way I view my worth. Very important lesson. I think the pain of not inheriting is like the last denial of our worth but another way of looking at it is I set myself free. I set myself free from her wrangling.

This is what my mother experienced with her father and step-mother (uBPD/NPD). She always knew their wills were set up to leave first to the spouse, then secondarily to my mother (there were never any other children, and SGM had married my grandfather when my mom was 6 years old). After my grandfather died, SGM changed her will to disinherit my mother and leave large bequests to friends, her doctor, and a church.

Mom did not contest the will. She had never been legally adopted by SGM, so it would have involved my grandfather's will also -- messy. Mom took it as a final betrayal and was done with her step-mother. As much as it hurt her, she found it liberating to be free of the manipulations and FOG. She said she felt free for the first time in 60 years.

[Methuen]

I can fight the queen but I can't seem to withhold my love from the waif.

Sigh.  Like everything we have to do, it's hard and takes a LOT of work on our part, but I think you will get to the point where you can figure out how to do this.  Or maybe nudge your thinking, and change it to "I won't fight the queen, and I will set boundaries for myself with the waif. I can still love them while doing this".  Thoughts?

I can relate to much of this thread.  My mother has also used the "Will" to try to control me, but mostly to hurt me, when she's hurting.  I think they resort to this because using power inappropriately is the only way they know.  They are desperate, and hurting, and hurting people who are disordered need to hurt others to make themselves feel better with their power.  If they know it hurts us, it gives them even more power.  Better to not let her see it hurts you, if this is possible.

A long time ago, my T emphasized to me that when my mother has distressed me, that is the time to avoid her.  When we are stressed, it is harder to manage our own emotional reactions to the stupid things our moms say and do.  Such reactions just feed their disorder.  It's like positive reinforcement to exactly the worst behaviors.  So, when I am in distress, that is the time to stay NC until I am feeling better, and just take care of me.  "Taking care of me" was not something I had done much of in my life.  I had always taken care of other people (in my job and family life with H and children), so I had to learn how to "take care of me".  I had to learn that "taking care of me" was NOT selfish.  I have learned many things from my T, but hearing that the first time had a big impact on me.  Someone gave me permission to look after myself, AND, keep a safe distance from mother, until I was feeling "well enough" to be able to manage my reactions to her again. Just wow.

I have plenty of my own struggles, so no "advice" to give.  But I thought I would share a meaningful moment from my T.  

[Goldcrest]

GaGirl thank you. I am working towards an attitude of detachment. I know that when my mother becomes poorly again with her cancer (it is a blood cancer so not completely curable but well managed) she will expect me to come and look after her and I simply won't do this. If I don't start withdrawing now then it will make it harder to put in strong boundaries when she becomes sick again.

Methuen I found what you have written very helpful. I need to come back and read this thread regularly! I sometimes wonder if I lose my temper because it's the only way of pushing her back. If she is angry with me (for shouting at her, how dare I!) then I can enforce a no contact because she will frequently tell me my behaviour is making her ill. I know I can use this as a reason to withdraw, and I know the anger she feels at my outburst will keep her in Queen. It's not a good way for me to carry on though and when in waif she will say she even misses our "Spats".

I don't want to text her every day, I forgot one day and by 9am I had 5 missed calls from her, because she was convinced something had happened to me (e.g. murdered while walking the dog).

So no JADEing just I am taking a break for my own mental health. She will often mock and tease me when I say I need space, but so be it.

[Notwendy]

I think the intent of the will is especially hurtful- and that isn't about the money. If a parent had $2 to their name and gave $1 to each child, it would convey a connection very differently than if one child got $2 and the other was written out.

I don't think the pwBPD sees this- I think they relate to the will like they do to their changing emotions and they do it in the immediate without considering the long term.

My BPD mother was in this mindset at the time my father passed away and so expressed it in the ways she could at the time. The pattern of her doing things in anger and then feeling better about it was very common for her and she was used to being able to do this. I loved my father and to experience this "disownment" at that time was especially hard. It was never about money. It was about acknowledging that I meant something to him but she couldn't see that. I didn't want the money- I knew that would go to her needs, but I did want some sentimental items of his. She didn't want them herself.

Later on, she "reowned" me. I was able to acquire some of them- once she realized that my children wanted them. So I am saving them but refuse to consider them mine. It's almost as if I need to have that separation now, like I can not fully believe in it. The disowning me may have been just a passing feeling for her, but it changed how I see the connection.

[Goldcrest]

Hi NotWendy, I hear you about it not being about the money. I wish there was NO money and actually if she said to me tomorrow, I am giving it all to So and So, I could live with that if that decision stayed fixed. The chaos and manipulation around money - money entirely earn't by my dad, a dad who naively or stupidly believed she would keep to his wishes - is stressful to me. I wish my mum would spend it all and their be nothing left, it sounds awful but she has never learnt the value of money and never known the insecurity of living from pay cheque to pay cheque. I wish it was all gone by the time she dies. It is poisonous.

I think I am processing not just the loss of my dad but the fantasy of financial security that my dad fuelled in his lifetime. He would tell me that when he dies I would be looked after. I'm ashamed on some level that I believed it. At one point he was talking about making provision for me to have the family house to live in (as long as I didn't sell it), because he believed my mum was dying, it was what she had convinced us all of. In the end it was him that was dying, she will probably out live all of us LOL.

[Notwendy]

I understand the sense of betrayal of your father's wishes and his promises to you. The golden child in the family is in this situation. Although the GC is now employed, they also were given financial assistance along the way. On my part, anything my father gave me, had to have BPD mom's permission. Even small items. When I went to college I understood that I was not to rely on them for financial support, even if they could afford it. So this was never an expectation. Still, Dad had some sentimental items he knew I wanted, but BPD mother would not allow him to give them to me. I still held out some hope though that he might consider this, as a symbol of our connection.

Any money left to BPD mother was earned by Dad and we feared she would not manage it well, and that has been the case. She has no concept of what it takes to earn the money. To our dismay, we discovered she has taken out a home equity loan. She will not allow us to see her financial situation. We found this out accidentally and she was angry that we did, accusing us of being vultures because of our concern. But we mainly concerned about her not having the money and risking eviction and we don't want that to happen to her.

[Notwendy]

Goldcrest, I don't assume you are the golden child, but describing the dynamics that led to my not having expectations with my BPD mother. If your father made promises, I understand that would be hard to see not be fulfilled.

[Goldcrest]

NotWendy This is an interesting point about Golden Child. I have often wondered which I was because I feel I both my brother and I can move from Scapegoat to Golden Child daily, depending on my mothers mood or need of us.

The inheritance and financial support (promise) only came about in the last 4 years when I returned more consistently to support my mother because of her cancer. Before that I had been low contact after years of therapy had helped me keep away from them. The denial by my mother of any wrongdoing from my sexual abuser (at 15) meant that I went in to therapy quite young at 21 because I had developed an eating disorder. I was back in therapy again for 7 years, twice weekly, from age 30. When I was in therapy I was able to separate. I have started back with my therapist, the same therapist I have had since age 30 but she can only see me short term at the moment. She has previously been internalised as a good enough mother for me.

4 years ago the thought of my mother dying, catapulted me back into full time support and this seemed to please my father and I think looking back he wanted to secure this role for me, so he could get some respite. My dad was morbidly obese and utterly battered from living with her madness since retiring. It was then that dad would talk about how helpful I had been and that I would be looked after. I realised, after 3 years of my life had been swallowed up in counselling my mother daily, that I was being sold a crock of  . When dad died it really was apparent that I they had no intention of financial support.

If mum hadn't been diagnosed I would probably still be low contact with them. The thing that amazes me is that I feel I have been brainwashed twice over and in the last 4 years all the de-programming that I had achieved previously has been lost.

[Goldcrest]

Notwendy

Any money left to BPD mother was earned by Dad and we feared she would not manage it well, and that has been the case. She has no concept of what it takes to earn the money. To our dismay, we discovered she has taken out a home equity loan. She will not allow us to see her financial situation. We found this out accidentally and she was angry that we did, accusing us of being vultures because of our concern. But we mainly concerned about her not having the money and risking eviction and we don't want that to happen to her.

It is so sad isn't it, that you are regarded as vultures! So sad and so unfair.

[Methuen]

If mum hadn't been diagnosed I would probably still be low contact with them. The thing that amazes me is that I feel I have been brainwashed twice over and in the last 4 years all the de-programming that I had achieved previously has been lost.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up a little bit - that you should have known, and should have seen it coming.  Have I got that right?

The thing is, when crisis happens (eg cancer diagnosis), all kinds of people step up to help.  Friends, family, neighbours, community. Why?  Because they are good people.  The fact that you stepped up with her cancer diagnosis, despite how they treated you by supporting the pedophile boyfriend instead of their daughter, makes you an exceptionally good person IMHO.

There are two ways to look at this.  1) Why did I let myself get sucked into this a second time? or (2) I am a good person and that is why I stepped up. 

If this is what happened to your best friend, and they were beating themselves up, what would you say to them? 

Be especially kind to yourself GC.  You are deserving of kindness and unconditional love. 

Your mother can't give this, but you can give it to yourself.  You are more than worthy.

Your deprogramming isn't lost.  I'm going to go out on a limb and compare it to getting strength back after falling off an exercise program.  For over 10 years I've been trying to build strength and flexibility in my middle age, to help me age better.  Anyone who knows me does not see physical strength in my appearance.  Sometimes life events get in the way of my goals, and my exercise and physio program goes off the rails.  But when I get going on it again, "I get back faster what I lost".  This is my hope for you.  That your "deprogramming" will come back to you.  It's the best analogy I have to offer in this moment.

I hope your day gets better.

 

[Notwendy]

https://glynissherwood.com/family-scapegoat-estrangement-grief-life-after-low-or-no-contact/

I am posting this link that Beatricex posted in another thread, because I think it helps understand the dynamics.

I was not LC or NC when my father got ill, but I also jumped in to help. By that time, several of my friends were helping their elderly parents. A neighbor was seriously ill and the entire neighborhood assisted in several ways. As Methuen said, this is what good people do and they don't consider it unusual because it comes from their own values. So don't be hard on yourself for doing what good people do.

However, Dad's needs were not overwhelming. When he was in the hospital, he was being taken care of. At home, he basically needed meals and laundry. He had home health. However, my BPD mother's needs were 24/7. She needed constant attention, emotional caretaking, and to have things done for her. I realized that Dad had peace of mind if she was being taken care of. He would not have to worry about her. However, her needs are constant and being at her home alone with her while Dad was in the hospital, her behavior was extreme. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, screaming at me. It felt as if I was expected to manage a patient on the psychiatric ward- without any training or assistance.

At this point, my father and my mother's family were just delighted with me. I got the sense that I was being "groomed" to step into this position- emotional caretaker for BPD mom, to comply with her requests and to allow her to be verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I did not see any concern for my own family- and for me. Trying to meet impossible standards, to only be faced with my parents' anger and disappointment with whatever I could do was stressful. I would have been able to manage some of the behaviors , but hers were so extreme- I felt she needed to be hospitalized herself but my parents would not have allowed that to happen. I had left home when I went to college and so didn't stay alone with my mother after that. I knew she had issues but didn't know they were this extreme.

I think some of the anger and being ostracized has been because I did not fulfil the expectations to take on my mother's care and behavior but I realized that this situation is beyond my own capacity in many ways. I am not a mental health professional and even if I had that training, caring for a family member with her behavior is beyond limits. 

[Goldcrest]

Methuen, thank you for your caring response. Yes I am beating myself up.

There are two ways to look at this.  1) Why did I let myself get sucked into this a second time? or (2) I am a good person and that is why I stepped up.  

Yes It was bourne out of compassion, my going back to support my mum. I remember at first I didn't believe my mother had cancer because she has lied about so many diseases in the past, she told us she had MS for years and used it to get special treatment from friends and family. I always knew it was a lie and when my brother asked her recently about it, she casually said, oh no I never had MS, it must have just been arthritis. Once it was clear she really did have cancer and was very sick, at first I felt so upset and frightened for her. She had to have bone marrow biopsies and at one point a stem cell transfusion. Things I knew she wouldn't cope with easily. I was amazed at what she did cope with.

I think it is harder to enforce boundaries this time because my dad is gone and she really is quite alone. I know she has some real anxiety attacks where that void hits her. She fills her days with drama and makes endless daily phone calls to the rolling cast of people that tolerate her. Every so often though, the emptiness hits and that's reserved for me. I will hold those boundaries, I am doing it, all be it in a clumsy way. I watched Dr Ramani recently and she talks about when you break No contact you have to be careful that the NPD person doesn't get addicted to the up and down nature of the ON/OFF. I think there is a bit of that going on with me and my mum at the moment.

You are right about the de-programming still being there, the skills I used before to get out. Your analogy was helpful and thank you for the hug.

NotWendy Thanks for the link I shall read that.

At this point, my father and my mother's family were just delighted with me. I got the sense that I was being "groomed" to step into this position- emotional caretaker for BPD mom, to comply with her requests and to allow her to be verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I did not see any concern for my own family- and for me. Trying to meet impossible standards, to only be faced with my parents' anger and disappointment with whatever I could do was stressful. I would have been able to manage some of the behaviors , but hers were so extreme- I felt she needed to be hospitalized herself but my parents would not have allowed that to happen. I had left home when I went to college and so didn't stay alone with my mother after that. I knew she had issues but didn't know they were this extreme.

Yes! I feel as though my dad groomed me and I am gutted that I didn't see this before. He really changed towards me when I told him I wouldn't come and care for her during the pandemic. She had come out of hospital after they removed a new tumor and he put intolerable pressure on me to come and stay and care for her. When I broke down and told him I couldn't do it, he distanced himself from me and the neighbour became the golden child (she is my age). All the neighbour did was fetch shopping and tell them how wonderful they were, but suddenly she was special. My parents were entitled to home care, which they took, but my mother would become so furious if the carers were late or didn't stop and chat that my mother cancelled the service. It makes me chuckle because she would tell everyone she was bed bound and immobile but she sure could move if the postman dropped off one of her home shopping parcels.

[Methuen]

Oh Goldcrest, after reading your last post, it seems our mothers could be twins on some of those points.  

the neighbour became the golden child (she is my age). All the neighbour did was fetch shopping and tell them how wonderful they were, but suddenly she was special.

OMG my mom uses the word "special" to describe to me everyone who does something for her.  "Special" is reserved for other people, right?  

My parents were entitled to home care, which they took, but my mother would become so furious if the carers were late or didn't stop and chat that my mother cancelled the service

I have parallel stories to this too!

she would tell everyone she was bed bound and immobile but she sure could move if the postman dropped off one of her home shopping parcels.

Yep!  OMG this made me laugh out loud.  You should see my mom move with her walker if she's motivated.  Otherwise, the waif sits in her chair and barks orders at me.

OMG, gotta see the humour and enjoy the laughs where we can get 'em!

[Goldcrest]

I agree Methuen, I often see parallels to our mothers! And yes you have to laugh where you can. One of things I have enjoyed now back in touch with my brother is using humour to deal with some of the memories we remember together. The times she "forgets" to be in pain or suffering, or is motivated by some reward LOL. She loves clothes shopping and can shift up an escalator like a rat up a drain pipe.

[Notwendy]

It's interesting as my mother likes to have help at home for herself, except she's very critical of them. What has been interesting is to see that she engages in a similar interpersonal patterns that she does with me. They need to do what she tells them to do, but then she finds something they did wrong. She may send them to the store for something, but, then be critical that they didn't get the correct size or brand. She's done the same thing to family members, and she can be quite cruel- calling us "stupid". She's gone through several home health workers and helpers.

She's often in Queen mode but can change to Waif. Waif is hardest as it's pitiful and I don't want her to have her feelings hurt, but being treated like a doormat is demoralizing. She orders us around, makes us follow her while she gives orders.

[Goldcrest]

Ahhhh NotWendy, this is the same with my mum. You had to get exactly what she wanted and if you deviate from that she'd get really pissy with you. She had to have control and I remember frequently being told I was "useless". Even when something wasn't available, so you walk to another shop to get something similar (going out of your way), the thoughtfulness would be ignored and only the error focused on. She treats medical staff terribly and often she gets put in a private room because she will create dramas and manipulations amongst other patients and staff.

She's often in Queen mode but can change to Waif. Waif is hardest as it's pitiful and I don't want her to have her feelings hurt, but being treated like a doormat is demoralizing. She orders us around, makes us follow her while she gives orders.

Queen used to scare me but not anymore, but Waif, Waif breaks my heart. Waif is where I need to do a lot of work to protect myself. I soothe Waif and then a few hours later she flips back in to Queen and I feel so betrayed and used.

[BigWideWorld]

What I find so stunning reading all of this is the numerous identical traits that our BPD or suspected BPD mothers have, not only using wills as a power to control but the poor money management - luckily most of my late dad's wealth is in her house but he left about 30k in the bank when he died in 2016, she has blown it all on an addiction to a shopping channel!

Her generosity is faultless but she spends countless money on stuff that's not worth what they are selling it for, she falls for every pressure selling tactic they use. She bought 3 handbags from them believing they versace worth hundreds, she paid £80 each - they were Alessandro Versace which is a copycat of the real thing, ebay was full of them and I had to tell her we couldn't make her a profit on them and would have to try and get her money back as much as we could - it's treading on eggshells telling someone with BPD that!


I also relate to a mother that turns into a raging monster when a dad isn't around, I had that when I was a kid and my dad went away on occasional business trips - I used to dread it as she used to terrorise me and get very violent.

I did tell her GP and mental health team on the quiet that we suspect she is BPD but they seem to have ignored it and it's horrible for them and for us to just have to live with it. Thankfully she's stopped threatening suicide every 5 minutes - she says some really cruel things at times purely to create shock, like she'll tell me nonchalantly that her and my dad were going to have a suicide pact or that he used to have affairs (don't blame him if he did) - she thrives on trying to get a reaction from people.

It's mad because people with regular parents would never believe what our parents do - thank god for forums like this where we can find each other and sympathise!

[Goldcrest]

Hi BigWideWorld. Yes my mother too loves the shopping channel. The thousands spent each year used to really get to me but now I let it go. She has boxes and boxes of shoes worn once and Mulberry handbags. She dresses in threadbare jogging bottoms at home but when she goes to hospital, for her cancer treatment she will dress like she is going to see the queen! Yet it is all quite loud and attention grabbing. If she likes a garment she will have to buy it in every colour. She will scrutinise what I wear because she sees me as a extension of her.

One thing that used to really upset me was my mother giving forth about animal rights and crying uncontrollably if she saw any animal cruelty on the television, yet the next day she would be ordering real fur (often rare animals) boots or fur coats, or eating Veal (she would get really upset about the treatment of Calves). That used to send me through the roof. She would simply start to rage or cry and turn the argument back on me. That I was persecuting her.

I'm sorry to read about the abuse you have been through with your mum! I also tried to hint to my Mothers GP because she causes mayhem at the Doctors surgery. I long for someone to take me to one side and say "you poor thing, how do you cope? I see exactly what she is like" LOL.

[Methuen]

. I long for someone to take me to one side and say "you poor thing, how do you cope? I see exactly what she is like"

If only.  Even once.  But never…

[BigWideWorld]

Morning Goldcrest

Thankfully my childhood was mainly OK and I had a lovely dad and grandparents, I missed out on a lot of relationships with my mums side because she frequently fell out with them - my aunt and I were always seen as two peas in a pod and we are very close now though, which my mum gets very jealous of!

Funny about you saying how your mum had to buy something in every colour, when my gran died (who also had BPD traits) they found she'd horded a terrific amount of purchases including a hand bag, shoes and gloves in every colour of the rainbow - meanwhile my aunt had to pay their mortgage whilst my grandad had to pay off the maxxed out credit cards!

My mum lives over the road from her GP and they all know her and chat to her and the problem is they see a nicey nicey person and not what we see, they weren't even monitoring her prescriptions, during the lockdowns she was leaving answer machine messages asking to be represcribed her tranquilisers - they weren't paying attention to how often she was asking for it and she was getting way more a month than she should be,using different chemist's to avoid detection and she'd abuse them with wine! I had to warn the GP that she could end up dead if it carries on.

I complained to the shopping channel about my mums addiction (The Jewellery Channel), they were fuelling her by sending her offers whern she'd try and cancel her subscription and I told them we needed their help as it was getting out of hand, they never responded or stopped contacting her.

I'm so glad that I never inherited any of those BPD traits! It's sad because she gets lonely but if she got involved in anything socially she'd ruin it by causing conflict.

[Notwendy]

I long for someone to take me to one side and say "you poor thing, how do you cope? I see exactly what she is like"

I can relate to this. What this is - is a longing for validation- that someone else also sees your perspective, because it's been invalidated.

First of all, it's impossible to know when and if you will get this from anyone in your mother's circle. Truly though, you don't need this from other people. You know the truth, you know what happened, and you are worthy of being treated kindly. I believe you can come to a point where you don't long for this validation from anyone. This is something I worked on.

Ironically, this validation is beginning to come from a few people, and yes, it does feel good to be validated, but I didn't expect it. One needs to spend time around my mother to begin to see the larger picture. She can hold it together with people who don't know her well. However, now that she has home health and a social worker involved- and they have had interactions with her over time, and also access to her medical records, her behavior has been confirmed to me. This is very different from when my parents and people in their circle denied it. Although I appreciate the validation, I have come to a point where I don't expect it, and don't seek it out from them.

I hope you do get to this point. From reading your story, you have been mistreated in some horrible ways. Your ability to cope is a tribute to your resilience and strength. But I get it, being strong doesn't mean not wishing someone would say something caring to us.  This kind of motherly caring isn't something we experienced, so yes, of course we want this- it's separate from validation.

[Goldcrest]

I hope you do get to this point. From reading your story, you have been mistreated in some horrible ways. Your ability to cope is a tribute to your resilience and strength. But I get it, being strong doesn't mean not wishing someone would say something caring to us.  This kind of motherly caring isn't something we experienced, so yes, of course we want this- it's separate from validation.

Notwendy Thank you for the above, I really appreciate it 

I think since dad died I have made some leaps in my understanding of how everything fits together. I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate this last stretch. My mother is quite exposed now and some of her flying monkeys, I suspect, are really being put through the wringer. When I first started posting to this site It felt excruciating to think of my mother harshly criticising me to all who would listen. It was, I believe the first thing I posted about. Now I am less worried about it. It still smarts but I hold no value in the people who hang around her.

[zachira]

"I hold no value in the people who hang around her."
Sometimes the hurt that the flying monkeys inflict is worse than that of the ringleader. Without caring or knowing about your feelings and experiences, the flying monkeys take on the role of enabling the abuser. I now look to surround myself with people who are genuine most of the time and not two faced. The person who plays one side or both sides is toxic. It is the flying monkey who pretends to be on your side that is the more dangerous.