uBPDw says something dumb in public. What do you do?

[NonnyMouse]

For the last two years we haven't done any socializing (threat of divorce now serious, separate beds, etc.). Before that we would occasionally (i.e. not very often) meet up with a small number of friends. Now imagine w and I and another couple are chatting away in someone's garden, glasses of wine, laughter and witty conversation. And then uBPDw says something dumb. It might be something commonly known to be factually incorrect, or a joke that no one else understands, or often a complete non sequitur. It kills the conversation dead. What should one do, if anything? Short of faking a distracting cardiac arrest, here are a few suggestions:

1. Quickly change the subject
2. Say that you don't understand
3. Be the first to make a joke about what she said

You'll see where I'm going in a minute.

We are told to let pwBPD solve their own problems, not to help them out when they get into some self-created mess. That makes sense. But if they do that in public they will feel a tremendous amount of shame that might never go away. (uBPDw still mentions with shame a trivial incident that happened 20 years ago.)

So I go with Option 3. My thinking is that it acknowledges the elephant in the room, and I can usually make what she said sound like it's a very clever joke/twist on what we were talking about. Everyone then laughs, including w, and the tension is released. I hope that the other couple then never think twice about w's comment. The alternative would be them having a conversation in the car home, "Did you hear what Y said? Was that supposed to be a joke or is she really that stupid?"

But that's helping her out of her own mess.

It seems like whatever I do or don't do is bad in the long run.

Thoughts on the best course of action?

(Of course, we may never socialize together again, so it might only be of academic interest to me!)

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[Cat Familiar]

I’d say nothing. She made the mess. Let her learn how to fix it.

[hands down]

no response, is actually a response too...  I'm curious why you feel you HAVE to say something.

[NonnyMouse]

no response, is actually a response too...  I'm curious why you feel you HAVE to say something.

Because I don't want her to agonize over this. She would then possibly be even less likely to socialize.

[hands down]

Because I don't want her to agonize over this. She would then possibly be even less likely to socialize.

I'm not one to tell you what or "what not" to do. but co-dependent behaviors such ash having to "hold up" a partner generally have very poor outcomes for both parties and the relationship, with Cluster B  & BPD, this is quite literally exponential

[Cat Familiar]

Agree with hands down.You cannot make up for deficits in your partner’s behavior without incurring some unforeseen side effects. Has it occurred to you that your rescuing might add to her sense of shame?

[GaGrl]

Just as pwBPD need to learn to sekf-soothe, they also need to learn how their social interactions are received. If the interactions are "off," they will eventually process this without your interference -- it may take a while.

My son is ADHD and, I suspect, on the spectrum of autism (never diagnosed). In his mid-30s, he is only just getting to the point of "reading" people and interacting comfortably.

[thankful person]

Has it occurred to you that your rescuing might add to her sense of shame?

Back in the days when we used to socialise, pre-covid, I often used to step in to protect my wife from embarrassment and judgement, particularly when we were with my family. I so desperately wanted them to like and accept her and not think her strange or stupid.
We don’t really see people much these days. But I know for a fact that my wife has always said she doesn’t like me “rescuing her”. I have always stepped in to protect her from getting lost, messing up the dinner, making sure she had washed enough clothes for her and the children… etc etc. I have recently stopped doing these things. And it’s added to her being more calm and relaxed. She deals with things so much better herself. And another thought I’ve come to realise from being on here is, why do we protect them from other people really knowing them?

[NonnyMouse]

Ok, I'm convinced!

And another thought I’ve come to realise from being on here is, why do we protect them from other people really knowing them?

Maybe because of the stigma attached to BPD. There's stigma attached to almost all mental health issues. Off the top of my head I can only think of depression and bi-polar as being without much stigma.