Epiphany - Here’s the thing

[hands down]

So… at a friends house last night..  for the first time I had a friend that was PISSSED at her. Most anyone else that I’ve told my story to was mostly focused on figuring out the bizzare, focused on “wtf” and “why” (rightfully so).  So much that I think I self “muted” the actual events because they were so bizzare I was more focused on dissecting them than holding firm in just exactly what they were.  Mean, cruel, and not the way anyone should treat a partner

I’ve come to a realization about myself. While I don’t find myself codependent (classic signs) I do have a select few relationships where I give a “hall pass”. I seek for the “why” and ignore the “what”.  As a most recent example, when I was discarded and she finally and fully “split” I saw the split and the fracture and focused on that. And turned a complete blind eye on the actions done to me.  “What in the world is going on with her….  This isn’t normal… We’ll she had a XYZ childhood etc”

Through this relationship she came across to me and to family as “normal and healthy”. Having a troubled past but also been in therapy for years - I held very firm boundaries and expectations of our relationship and how she treat me and I treat her (lessons learned from some not so healthy past relationships).

(Excerpt here though. Based on my research and theories, attachment wounds such as Cluster B - BPD, can’t be fully addressed or “re-integrated” until the person is in a fully “attached state”, a bit like how EMDR for PTSD requires the patient getting to the triggered state to overcome the trauma. While you can do a lot of self work, I’ve seen that unless you’re working ‘through’ it as it’s active, a pwBPD can only get so far and then get re-triggered)

I was able to see her (more so in hindsight) starting to subconsciously “test the waters”, trying to gas light, trying to emotively move me - to which I am very proud of how I handled this relationship while we were together..  not once did it get into a full triggered state. I was able to respect myself, respect her and respect our Union, I guess you could say “clearly see things for what they were”…. The moment I saw she had changed, literally THE DAY as she was moving out, there was such a frantic and dramatic shift in her -, my empathic nature took over and I viewed and valued her troubles over my self respect. 

Which is strange for me in general, I have very strong boundaries in business, friends and past relationships. Being able to hold space for both “I love you and care about you” and “I choose not to be around this behavior”.

Not much else to say beyond the fact that a light went on for the first day since she left.  The light that I was so wrapped up in how she left and why she left that it shifted any focus from the unacceptable behavior and into excuses so it had delayed healing. This is likely from my childhood attachment with my mom, she is a great woman but eccentric and ADHD.  Would have embarrassing moments that the only way I knew how to hold them was “that’s just mom, she’s kinda whacky”.

Fast forward to here and today I’m reframing my perspective to this. It doesn’t matter how much I love someone, the way I deserve to be treated should be constant. Regardless of why…. Which I should say… “why’s” do matter in a reconciliation but not while the behaviors are active.

Thank you for listening.  Maybe you can relate.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Cat Familiar]

I think far too many of us here have cut our partners extra slack and thus have normalized unhealthy behaviors.

[hands down]

I think far too many of us here have cut our partners extra slack and thus have normalized unhealthy behaviors.

I agree. And entirely my point. I find myself letting partners make me ask “why” when other don’t have that luxury - if a random person or a friend treats me very poorly, I’m not focused on why, I’m focused on what and how I was treated.


And my discovery led me to realize if I’m asking “why did they do this” I’m usually on a fast track to cutting slack and a “hall pass”

My valentines resolution is to hold equally, my expectations of how I’m treated by everyone.