Why the pull?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My story in a nutshell: I deeply loved a woman for a very long time, and for over a year tried my hardest to be with her. During that year, she continually lied to me and kept sleeping with another man. I finally broke free (I thought) and went no-contact for three months.

Over the past week we've been talking again. She's assuring me that things with this man are over, she's apologizing, crying, telling me she understands why I won't ever again give her another chance but telling me that she made the biggest mistake of her life, that she so deeply loves me.

I know she's bad for me. I know (or think) that once she "has" me again, she'll stop being so sweet and loving. She broke my heart, and I don't trust her to not do it again. And yet, damn, the pull she still has over me. Just hearing her voice -- I feel the most intense longing. Never ever experienced this before.

Here's my question. Why is this pull so unbelievably strong? I know others on this site have experienced this same pull. Is my desire for her so strong because we just have great chemistry, like some people in the world just have great chemistry with one another. Or is there something in the borderline personality that evokes that incredible desire in his?

[Kaufmann]

My story in a nutshell: I deeply loved a woman for a very long time, and for over a year tried my hardest to be with her. During that year, she continually lied to me and kept sleeping with another man. I finally broke free (I thought) and went no-contact for three months.

Over the past week we've been talking again. She's assuring me that things with this man are over, she's apologizing, crying, telling me she understands why I won't ever again give her another chance but telling me that she made the biggest mistake of her life, that she so deeply loves me.

I know she's bad for me. I know (or think) that once she "has" me again, she'll stop being so sweet and loving. She broke my heart, and I don't trust her to not do it again. And yet, damn, the pull she still has over me. Just hearing her voice -- I feel the most intense longing. Never ever experienced this before.

Here's my question. Why is this pull so unbelievably strong? I know others on this site have experienced this same pull. Is my desire for her so strong because we just have great chemistry, like some people in the world just have great chemistry with one another. Or is there something in the borderline personality that evokes that incredible desire in his?

[once removed]

the best way toward resolving your struggles is to own them.

there is nothing about the borderline personality - or any personality - that it has control over you.

the pull has something to do with you.

presumably, a large part of it is that you love this person and want to see that through.

its also probably deeper and more complicated than that.

the simplest (but also hard) way is to determine what, exactly this pull is.

but beyond that, youre talking about potentially reuniting, and thats even deeper. your loved one almost certainly means what shes saying when she says it. does she have the follow through? do you?

[Kaufmann]

the best way toward resolving your struggles is to own them.

there is nothing about the borderline personality - or any personality - that it has control over you.

the pull has something to do with you.

The pull definitely has something to do with me. 100 percent. But also, no other woman has had this pull over me. Isn't that a common experience for people on this site? We all have something broken in us -- otherwise we would not have entered into these relationships -- and yet it seems that the person with borderline is especially addictive, and I'm trying to understand what that is about.

[once removed]

We all have something broken in us

broken might be a strong word.

we all have proclivities and tendencies that are based on a host of different things. i prefer blondes, for example.

that, in and of itself, is fine. you cant help what youre attracted to, necessarily, although what youre ultimately drawn to may change.

and yet it seems that the person with borderline is especially addictive, and I'm trying to understand what that is about.

there are a variety of things about the borderline personality that might attract someone. it might be the care free spirit. it might be the lack of physical and verbal boundaries. it might be the tendency to over emote.

what draws a person to become addicted to something, or someone, has to do with whats in it for them, in spite of everything else working against it. for example, an alcoholic (alcohol is especially addictive) doesnt love being hungover, but drinks to that point anyway. that same person has likely tried other things that didnt have that same pull. alcohol, in that case, "did something".

people, in spite of those things, in spite of awful feelings or negative impacts on their life, find themselves addicted. does that addiction come from the drug, or the persons particular proclivities and tendencies?

i dont mean to belabor the point. its important to understand that borderline personality is not a strength or a power. its a lack of coping skills. it has no power that you dont give it.

your particular hook here could range from sunken cost fallacy, to low self esteem and trying to redeem it (being cheated on is an enormous blow), to just the fact that you arent emotionally done or any number of things. its hard to say - and while it may be elusive, you know best - but there is an emotional component unique to you, unique to the wounds you have experienced in your relationship. finding it is half the battle.

[So many questions]

I’m in the same boat. The chemistry between my ex is unmatched. Her personality, how she talks about things, her laugh, the way we can talk all day and never miss a beat. I don’t just miss her beauty and intimacy, I miss her. I’ve never met someone like her and never had someone make me feel the way I do. You’re not alone. It is the hardest thing in the world to deeply love the wrong person.

Mine pulls me in and pushes me away. Each time it gets a little worse. She blames me and goes completely black, then at some point for whatever reason just switches back for a few days. It’s usually when something in her life is going wrong. This time though feels like the final discard. Although I thought that about our break up.. It’s really hard to be on the other end of.

I wish you well and hope you find the strength I lack to move on with your life. I’m praying I find it eventually.

[Kaufmann]

once removed —
 
Your words have been extremely helpful to me. Honestly, I posted here wanting some sympathy, but what we want isn’t always what we need. Your responses have been kind, but you have also pointed out that I’m not powerless here. As you beautifully put it:
 

its important to understand that borderline personality is not a strength or a power. its a lack of coping skills. it has no power that you dont give it.

Why am I “addicted” to this woman? Primarily, I think, because when she loves, she loves hard, she goes all in, makes me feel like I’m the subject of some 1970s love song. When you have low self-esteem, that kind of love feels so good. Additionally, as you wrote, I think there’s some redemptive in reconnecting with her. Her infidelity hurt so bad, reinforced my inner belief that I’m a loser, and now being pursued by her makes me feel, “Well, hey, I matter after all.”
 
Thank you for your time and your words.

[Kaufmann]

So many questions —
 
Love IS hard. A friend recently recommended to me the song “Stubborn Love” by the Lumineers. That song says it beautifully. Love is stubborn. Love sucks. (At least sometimes.)
 
I don’t know your story, but I know that you deserve to be treated better. I’m sure the woman you love has some amazing qualities, and I’m so sorry for your pain, but you deserve better, you deserve someone who sees your humanity and your goodness and pulls you to her and never pushes you away.

[MobyCloud]

My story in a nutshell: I deeply loved a woman for a very long time, and for over a year tried my hardest to be with her. During that year, she continually lied to me and kept sleeping with another man. I finally broke free (I thought) and went no-contact for three months.

Over the past week we've been talking again. She's assuring me that things with this man are over, she's apologizing, crying, telling me she understands why I won't ever again give her another chance but telling me that she made the biggest mistake of her life, that she so deeply loves me.

I know she's bad for me. I know (or think) that once she "has" me again, she'll stop being so sweet and loving. She broke my heart, and I don't trust her to not do it again. And yet, damn, the pull she still has over me. Just hearing her voice -- I feel the most intense longing. Never ever experienced this before.

Here's my question. Why is this pull so unbelievably strong? I know others on this site have experienced this same pull. Is my desire for her so strong because we just have great chemistry, like some people in the world just have great chemistry with one another. Or is there something in the borderline personality that evokes that incredible desire in his?

Perhaps you lacked the ability to avoid this relationship because you have a skewed view of what is healthy pursuant to your upbringing. Perhaps you are codependent, and you want to feel validated by "winning" her back as if the detour never happened. Perhaps, like how some BPD lack a true understanding of themselves, you also lack an understanding of yourself. Perhaps you are both seeking validation externally rather than making peace internally.