Looking for any ray of hope

[Forgetful husband]

Hello.

It's been a long road. I've been married to my wife for over 20 years. In that time we've moved away from family, had kids, and been through mental health crises for both of us. I was diagnosed with ADHD and depression, and my wife with depression. I've been seeing a therapist for me for about a decade now. I started suspecting she has BPD about five years ago, well after our relationship issues had started. As the years have gone by, my belief became stronger. At my urging, she and I started seeing a couple's therapist about 9 or so months ago. Our therapist had occasional individual sessions with us. In one of mine she confirmed my belief.

We're now separated, and my wife doesn't want to see our therapist anymore. I've contributed my fair share to the difficulties she and I are facing. I am far from blameless. I've learned a lot while we've been separated about myself, her, and why we're having such difficulties (beyond her BPD and my ADHD). In order for us to move forward, though, she has to accept that it's not my fault, it's not her fault, it's our fault that we're in these difficulties. She does not seem inclined to do that.

Is there any hope she will? I know I can only control myself, she makes her own choices; is there anything I can/should do to effectively help encourage her to do so?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[alterK]

Hello George and welcome to the forum. Many here--including myself--have struggled with the problem of trying to get a partner with BPD to share the task of bettering a relationship. Bottom line: you are not likely to get much help.

People with BPD, especially when dealing with intimacy, are controlled by  fears. Among these is the fear of being found out, by themselves and others, to be a totally evil and worthless person, guilty beyond redemption. Fearing they will drown, all their effort goes into trying to keep their emotional nose above water. In a less personal situation like work they may be competent, but in a close relationship they have very limited problem solving skills. Thus, you get all the blame and are expected to do all the work.

A starting point for many, if not most here has been one or more of the books listed in the Tools section at the top of the page. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is so frequently read it has an abbreviation, SWOE. Another that's not listed, but that you might find helpful is "It's All Your Fault!" by Bill Eddy.

If you want to discuss some of the specific issues between you and your W, people on the forum will be glad to listen, and you are likely to get some good suggestions from others who have been around the block many times.