It wasn’t me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It’s been a long time since I posted here and I’m not sure why I feel the need to write this, maybe someone who reads it will be able to relate or maybe I just need to write it down so I can leave it. Over a decade ago I told my xBPDh to leave after 30+ years of marriage. Two years after that I met my now husband and we married a year later, we will be celebrating our 8th anniversary this year. All those years that I tried so hard to fix what I thought I was doing wrong and it wasn’t me. It was not me. I grew up believing relationship issues were because of two people, both shared the blame for problems and issues that arise. I know this is not always true now that I can compare a relationship with a healthy person and one afflicted with BPD. Problems, issues or just easy questions with my x would be like entering a vortex where I would be spun around and around in ever tightening concentric circles til I hit the bottom just spinning by myself. I didn’t see it or realize it until years after I got out. Discussions now, with my emotionally healthy partner are a straight line from problem to resolution, there might be a bump in the road as we work it out but there is no circling around. I have peace in my new life, I have trust in my new life, I have hope.
In the decade that has passed my x has had several months to years long relationships. I know when one ends because he will contact me to try and rehash problems from years ago. No, I don’t engage. I haven’t blocked him but neither do I respond to his baiting emails. I don’t feel anger toward him, I didn’t during the difficult break up time or in the years that followed when I tried to understand what I had blindly allowed my self to go through for so many years. I feel more anger towards myself, anger that I allowed so much of my life to be controlled and manipulated. I feel great sadness for him because he can not let go and even more sadness for an adult child of ours who is also suffering from this horrendous mental illness. All of humanity has difficult circumstances, most of my difficult circumstances have been around mental illness. My undiagnosed father, my diagnosed mother, my diagnosed ex mil, my diagnosed exhusband and now I see it in the next generation in my child. How terribly these people suffer and how terribly they make those who love them suffer. It is a push me, pull me disease. They are emotionally needy and see a helper type person and pull you in, when you get to close they push you away again. The cycle repeats.
So I sit here today thinking of the years when I didn’t understand and being thankful for the information that we now have and the increased accessibility to that information. I wish I had this knowledge many years ago, I wish I had known the likelihood of passing the genetics down to another generation, I wish I had made better choices. I hope that this may help someone else make the changes that are too late for me to make.

[Cumulus]

It’s been a long time since I posted here and I’m not sure why I feel the need to write this, maybe someone who reads it will be able to relate or maybe I just need to write it down so I can leave it. Over a decade ago I told my xBPDh to leave after 30+ years of marriage. Two years after that I met my now husband and we married a year later, we will be celebrating our 8th anniversary this year. All those years that I tried so hard to fix what I thought I was doing wrong and it wasn’t me. It was not me. I grew up believing relationship issues were because of two people, both shared the blame for problems and issues that arise. I know this is not always true now that I can compare a relationship with a healthy person and one afflicted with BPD. Problems, issues or just easy questions with my x would be like entering a vortex where I would be spun around and around in ever tightening concentric circles til I hit the bottom just spinning by myself. I didn’t see it or realize it until years after I got out. Discussions now, with my emotionally healthy partner are a straight line from problem to resolution, there might be a bump in the road as we work it out but there is no circling around. I have peace in my new life, I have trust in my new life, I have hope.
In the decade that has passed my x has had several months to years long relationships. I know when one ends because he will contact me to try and rehash problems from years ago. No, I don’t engage. I haven’t blocked him but neither do I respond to his baiting emails. I don’t feel anger toward him, I didn’t during the difficult break up time or in the years that followed when I tried to understand what I had blindly allowed my self to go through for so many years. I feel more anger towards myself, anger that I allowed so much of my life to be controlled and manipulated. I feel great sadness for him because he can not let go and even more sadness for an adult child of ours who is also suffering from this horrendous mental illness. All of humanity has difficult circumstances, most of my difficult circumstances have been around mental illness. My undiagnosed father, my diagnosed mother, my diagnosed ex mil, my diagnosed exhusband and now I see it in the next generation in my child. How terribly these people suffer and how terribly they make those who love them suffer. It is a push me, pull me disease. They are emotionally needy and see a helper type person and pull you in, when you get to close they push you away again. The cycle repeats.
So I sit here today thinking of the years when I didn’t understand and being thankful for the information that we now have and the increased accessibility to that information. I wish I had this knowledge many years ago, I wish I had known the likelihood of passing the genetics down to another generation, I wish I had made better choices. I hope that this may help someone else make the changes that are too late for me to make.

[drumdog4M]

Thank you for sharing this with us. It's very kind when those of you who have recovered come back to educate and inspire those of us who are early on in the healing process. I hope the lessons learned in navigating the difficulties of a past BPD relationship has given you the education, tools, and resilience to support your child as much as possible. Be well.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you so much for this helpful reminder and post. It reminds me that better is ahead and gives me hope for a healthy marriage in my future. So thankful for you all and this site. You have certainly helped me make the changes that it’s too late for you to make, and I hope I’ve helped others. Sounds like you have a bright future ahead as I pray we all do!