Daughter blames everyone else and says cannot get better until others change

[Coaster]

Forgive me for anything I write that is wrong or shows lack of knowledge. I am new here. My college aged daughter feels that everyone else needs to change in order for her to get better. I am a non confrontational person and do avoid conflict. She feels that I am largely responsible because I didn’t stand up for her enough when her cousins and brother teased her/ were mean to her growing up. I’m going to say she does have a point, but she basically wants me to alienate my whole family. She can’t get better until I am more comfortable with conflict. I may need to do this for myself, but it should not be a prerequisite for her to have a productive life, right?  She has been with the same therapist for a long time and refuses to try anyone else. It just doesn’t feel like this is what she should be getting from therapy. Any advice?  She is just unrelenting when she has conflict and wants me to get involved. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BonnieW]

I feel your pain.  My daughter is exactly the same, and I am non-confrontational and avoid conflict, too.  I feel like a sitting duck.  My daughter has alienated many members of our family with her rants and abuse, so there are very few family members who stay in touch with her.

I had to take a strong position and set up boundaries to protect myself, because she was making me mentally unwell and exhausted.  It does not bode well for a healthy family relationship, but I really feel that our relationship has been irreparably broken by lies, half-truths and outright cruelty.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Best of luck

Bonnie

[RobertX]

We have precisely the same situation with our son (at University).  He demanded that we seek therapy in order to help him (since he perceives most if not all of his issues are down to us).  Actually we did do this and the impact has been broadly very positive - however he remains unsatisfied and reacts strongly to any implication that he must fix his own BPD issues i.e. through Therapy, Medication, reduction in high risk taking behaviour.  It's all very difficult.  All I can suggest is what our therapist advises which is set set clear boundaries for all parties.  Stepping over those boundaries may have consequences i.e. aggressive language may lead to a call being postponed, actual violence would mean being asked to leave the house or police.  One area I think is particularly important, is to set boundaries around the need to 'walk on eggshells' where one misinterpreted comment may be taken out of context and used to start an aggressive argument. There must be a shared environment of tolerance and instant forgiveness without the Jeopardy of saying the wrong thing in the wrong way leading to an extreme confrontation.  Very tricky  - but I think this is super important to establish.   

[livednlearned]

My college aged daughter feels that everyone else needs to change in order for her to get better.

It seems like two things.

One is that she gets to be the victim. No change until you change means she is not accountable.

Two is that she may feel you didn't protect her, and those can be valid feelings.

If you are working to change the way you respond to her, it might be more SEt than seT, if that makes sense (support, empathy, truth). Meaning, you may find yourself listening, supporting, showing empathy, validating than you do correcting her perspective.

You can validate how she feels (support, empathy) while also gently re-stating the truth (I will decide who I have contact with).

I can't remember if it's Valerie Porr's book Overcoming BPD or Shari Manning's book Loving Someone with BPD -- one of them says that if there is a repeating request that is nonsensical, you will probably seT more than SEt. "We have discussed this before and my answer is the same."

She is just unrelenting when she has conflict and wants me to get involved.  

In what ways is she unrelenting? Maybe we can help find some ways to de-escalate that don't create too much anxiety for you, especially as you try new ways of communicating with her.