Holding my ground (Wife w/BPD)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Long story short-my wife has not been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, but shows all, and I mean all, the characteristics of a pwBPD. I have left the situation for a time out, but will be returning for a visit in a few days. After another few weeks away I will be returning permanently to go back to work. I had orthopedic surgery, and needed some physical help, as well as financial help with household bills, neither of which was forthcoming. Instead, after a discussion of my expectations and her rather blatant statements regarding our finances which left me feeling like I am only around to pay bills, she ran away to her parents’ home for several days. I’ll admit, I took her statements personally and let her know I was hurt and angry, but lately, and especially after this surgery, I’ve just been exhausted by this one sided relationship. I accepted an invitation to visit my daughter in another state and let my wife know I would only be paying my half of the bills. Suddenly, she was able to get a job, she makes more money than me (when she works-which isn’t often, maybe a total of five months in the six years we’ve been together), and only contacts me to let me know something like the electric bill is due and what my half is. She is well aware I’m down to my last dime, even draining my savings to support us during my recovery. She even had the nerve to tell me to take out a loan to support us until I could return to work. There is no communication, if I try to share how I feel, she runs to mommy, she’s 57 by the way. There is no affection, let alone intimacy, she doesn’t do housework unless her parents might visit. She chose to spend Thanksgiving in a casino with her parents. Got her parents Christmas presents, but didn’t even come with me to get a tree for our home, let alone a gift for me. She does have a cat who is the recipient of all 5 love languages, and never forgets to let me know that, then accuses me of being jealous of an animal, even though I no longer pay attention to her behavior. By the way, she said in the past the cat gets everything because his love for her is unconditional. In short, I feel like a single mother to a very difficult teenager who runs to her other parent whenever she’s asked to be accountable or take responsibility for anything. Now, my dilemma is, I’m forced to stay in a home with my wife when I go back to work because my finances are shot and I have no where else to go. I’ve thoroughly been enjoying my stay with my daughter. Everything is totally different, dare I say “normal”. We communicate, we even disagree but communicate through it. We share responsibilities, she goes to work, I take care of the household. She knows I’m financially strapped so she picks up the expenses. We spend free time together and apart. In short, it’s what I expect from a relationship with my wife, minus the physical intimacy of course. How do I return to my wife without showing my growing disgust with my life with her? It’ll be months before I’m financially able to move. She refuses to go to therapy ( I go every other week), but insists that she loves me and it “makes her sick to think I think she doesn’t”. She insisted I go to therapy first because I was the crazy difficult one, and when it turned out I wasn’t “so I could learn how to deal with her”. What really drives me crazy is I truly believe she knows she’s borderline. She quit therapy herself years ago a few weeks after calling me at work to inform me her therapist thought I was borderline, then went on an hour long texting rampage when I refused to engage in that conversation. The longer I’m away, the more disgusted I am with the whole thing. There is simply too much drama and pain to even begin to scratch the surface on, and I’ve already gone off on a tangent. If anyone is still reading this, any pointers on maintaining my integrity while trying to have a peaceful life? I do think she’d benefit greatly from the right help, there are fleeting moments when I see some hope, but those have become few and far between. Any advice about getting her into a good therapist? She’s willing to go back to the one who told her I was borderline, based solely on her sessions, I later found out my wife did work and her house and wanted to meet her for drinks, so that’s a hell no as far as I’m concerned. As far as I’m concerned a bad therapist is worse than no therapist. What I’m really trying to say is HELP! I love her and wish she would get help, even if I don’t stay, underneath it all, she’s a good person, even if she isn’t so good to me. I understand that as a person with BPD, she’s kind of just doing what they do to the person closest to them, but I’m at a point in my life where I see my worth and I just don’t know if all the empathy and patience and work I put into dealing with her and this relationship with no reciprocation is where I want to be. Thanks for letting me vent and if anyone can offer any nuggets, I’d appreciate it.

[Maillady]

Long story short-my wife has not been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, but shows all, and I mean all, the characteristics of a pwBPD. I have left the situation for a time out, but will be returning for a visit in a few days. After another few weeks away I will be returning permanently to go back to work. I had orthopedic surgery, and needed some physical help, as well as financial help with household bills, neither of which was forthcoming. Instead, after a discussion of my expectations and her rather blatant statements regarding our finances which left me feeling like I am only around to pay bills, she ran away to her parents’ home for several days. I’ll admit, I took her statements personally and let her know I was hurt and angry, but lately, and especially after this surgery, I’ve just been exhausted by this one sided relationship. I accepted an invitation to visit my daughter in another state and let my wife know I would only be paying my half of the bills. Suddenly, she was able to get a job, she makes more money than me (when she works-which isn’t often, maybe a total of five months in the six years we’ve been together), and only contacts me to let me know something like the electric bill is due and what my half is. She is well aware I’m down to my last dime, even draining my savings to support us during my recovery. She even had the nerve to tell me to take out a loan to support us until I could return to work. There is no communication, if I try to share how I feel, she runs to mommy, she’s 57 by the way. There is no affection, let alone intimacy, she doesn’t do housework unless her parents might visit. She chose to spend Thanksgiving in a casino with her parents. Got her parents Christmas presents, but didn’t even come with me to get a tree for our home, let alone a gift for me. She does have a cat who is the recipient of all 5 love languages, and never forgets to let me know that, then accuses me of being jealous of an animal, even though I no longer pay attention to her behavior. By the way, she said in the past the cat gets everything because his love for her is unconditional. In short, I feel like a single mother to a very difficult teenager who runs to her other parent whenever she’s asked to be accountable or take responsibility for anything. Now, my dilemma is, I’m forced to stay in a home with my wife when I go back to work because my finances are shot and I have no where else to go. I’ve thoroughly been enjoying my stay with my daughter. Everything is totally different, dare I say “normal”. We communicate, we even disagree but communicate through it. We share responsibilities, she goes to work, I take care of the household. She knows I’m financially strapped so she picks up the expenses. We spend free time together and apart. In short, it’s what I expect from a relationship with my wife, minus the physical intimacy of course. How do I return to my wife without showing my growing disgust with my life with her? It’ll be months before I’m financially able to move. She refuses to go to therapy ( I go every other week), but insists that she loves me and it “makes her sick to think I think she doesn’t”. She insisted I go to therapy first because I was the crazy difficult one, and when it turned out I wasn’t “so I could learn how to deal with her”. What really drives me crazy is I truly believe she knows she’s borderline. She quit therapy herself years ago a few weeks after calling me at work to inform me her therapist thought I was borderline, then went on an hour long texting rampage when I refused to engage in that conversation. The longer I’m away, the more disgusted I am with the whole thing. There is simply too much drama and pain to even begin to scratch the surface on, and I’ve already gone off on a tangent. If anyone is still reading this, any pointers on maintaining my integrity while trying to have a peaceful life? I do think she’d benefit greatly from the right help, there are fleeting moments when I see some hope, but those have become few and far between. Any advice about getting her into a good therapist? She’s willing to go back to the one who told her I was borderline, based solely on her sessions, I later found out my wife did work and her house and wanted to meet her for drinks, so that’s a hell no as far as I’m concerned. As far as I’m concerned a bad therapist is worse than no therapist. What I’m really trying to say is HELP! I love her and wish she would get help, even if I don’t stay, underneath it all, she’s a good person, even if she isn’t so good to me. I understand that as a person with BPD, she’s kind of just doing what they do to the person closest to them, but I’m at a point in my life where I see my worth and I just don’t know if all the empathy and patience and work I put into dealing with her and this relationship with no reciprocation is where I want to be. Thanks for letting me vent and if anyone can offer any nuggets, I’d appreciate it.

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