He’s in a downward spiral

[Sleepycat]

Hi,

After arguing off and on all weekend, I got the silent treatment all day, with the exception of him saying I’m too emotional and that I should be more like him and keep my feelings to myself rather than (tactfully) come to him about things that need to be addressed. Anyway, out of the blue, he texts me and accuses me of downloading snapchat for the purpose of talking to other guys. I actually deleted all social media months ago because I was tired of all the arguments that stemmed from him being paranoid any time the phone the ding with an alert.  I just want to keep the peace.

Most of the time whenever we argue, he goes straight for the “you’re cheating on me” thing, Many times he becomes enraged and kicks me out. I’ve never done anything to suggest that I’m cheating, and I have always been 100% faithful. Tonight he downloaded Snapchat and found an account attached to my phone number. He admits that he was searching for ways to “prove” that I’m cheating. The thing is, I have a new straight talk phone number, and the account attached to my number is a guy. To argue further, he said that I just changed the name on the account to “not get caught”. I was able to log into the account by requesting a new password link be sent to my phone. I had honestly thought that maybe I had forgotten to delete it. Once I logged in, there were tons of saved pics of the guy and his girlfriend that go back for years. Now I feel bad for changing this guy’s password. He realized that he was wrong and immediately changed the subject to other ways that I must be cheating on him (unfounded and simply untrue). He’s called me a liar and now I’m back to the silent treatment. I swear it’s like he is trying to find things to be mad about. It hurts being falsely accused and being called a liar. I have stopped talking to any male friends I once had because talking to them set him off. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough.I’m trying so hard. I don’t want to leave him. He’s started DBT. We have had several good days in a row. Does this situation sound familiar? How do you handle it? I set boundaries and told him I would talk to him when he calms down. He decided to sleep on the couch. Thanks for “listening”.

Sleepy at

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

No good will come from trying to disprove the cheating allegations. Yes, it’s terribly annoying, but all you will accomplish by denying is to further cement in his mind that there is truth to what he fears.

I know. This is really an annoying aspect of BPD, but paranoia is included in the DSM description of the disorder.

What you can say is something like, “That must feel really awful to think I’d ever cheat on you…you’re who I want…I adore you…I’d feel terrible if I thought my loved one was cheating on me…I love being with you…etc.”

One of the cardinal rules about getting along with BPD partners is to not JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Arguments just make things worse; doing so will not resolve issues.

[Sleepycat]

I know. I’ve got to do better about not getting defensive when he is like that. I’ve learned a little bit about the way you suggested handling it and I did say initially “I’m sure it’s hard trusting people after your ex-wife cheated on you. I’d feel the same way. I love you and I don’t want anyone else”. He still persisted. Then I got frustrated that it didn’t help and went into defense mode. If trying to validate, empathize, and reassure him doesn’t work, what should I do next? Disengage? This happens a lot and I really do want to handle it the right way. Thanks a lot for the feedback!

Thanks x

[Cat Familiar]

Say it once or twice in a slightly different way, then disengage. When people with BPD (pwBPD) get wound up emotionally, they are not able to process information with their rational minds. All that happens if you persist, is to get involved in a circular argument that goes nowhere.

I have an endless list of things that I must do in order to exit. Often I’ll give a time frame: “I’ll be back in 20 minutes (enough time for his amygdala to calm down and reset    ).” But it’s: “gotta feed the horse/donkey/goats/or the cats” or “pull my laundry out of the drier” or “I left water on in the garden” or “need to use the bathroom” or “need to medicate a particular animal” etc.

He may protest that he’s not as “important” as these various tasks, but you can assuage him by saying, “I want to give you my full attention, so I’ll be back soon.”

You’re of no use if you get triggered too. That was one of the most difficult things for me. I have a slow fuse, but once I get angry, watch out! I have the type of cold bitter anger where I can calmly say unfortunate truths that can be repeatedly brought up in the future and are seldom forgotten.    And pwBPD are really good at pushing the right buttons to trigger us. So I keep my anger in check by exiting ASAP. Then I can use all the   language in the garden or tell a receptive animal what a     my husband is, and then return (when my amygdala calms down) with a pleasant mood, and be prepared to rinse and repeat if necessary.

[alterK]

One of the more difficult things you have to do if you are trying to stay in a relationship with a pwBPD is accepting limitations. There are things they are just not capable of doing, and there are things you will not be capable of doing. One of those impossible things is reasoning your way together out of the kind of situation you describe.

There is no direct way of confronting or contradicting your H's paranoia. Very frustrating, but it's a fact. Your only hope is an indirect approach. If he eventually begins to feel safer, and if he gets some treatment for his condition, you may see the problem diminish.

Sometimes this is where splitting (meaning splitting behavior as part of BPD) is a good thing. If you don't JADE and just walk away, you may find that a couple of hours later your H is treating you in a perfectly friendly way. No guarantee things won't go all to hell again the next week, but at least it provides some relief.