Bringing up old issues, trying to control the narrative

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,
Having been on a path of acceptance about my wife having (non-diagnosed) BPD, I've been feeling okay for a while having absorbed and practised communications styles outlined in 'Eggshells'.

A few months ago my wife amd I - with for 5 years married for 2 years - had a positive process whereby I took responsibility for something I genuinely needed to apologise for. It was healing for us both, took a few months to get to that place, in part because her accusations, gaslighting and name-calling made it impossible to have a civil conversation and, yes, I was too reactive to address the issue calmly.

Yesterday, she brought up her sadness how, although she felt understood a few months ago, she still hasn't had an apology and 'has read somewhere' that it's impossible to move on until the person (me) asks for forgiveness.

It shocked me and brought back the same trauma in my body I felt last year during that time she blamed, accused etc. It was a real awakening that things had been good recently but perhaps I can never let my guard down.

FYI I owned my feelings, went for a walk, told her my reality was different and that I'd moved on and forgiven myself and its my belief it's unhealthy to cycle back around to issues that have been dealt with - that I trust my version of events and I don't think we would have had such a positive last few months if that moment hadn't happened. I was on the edge of trying to convince...but owned it. Just didn't budge on 'renewing' any apology pr ask for forgiveness. She was sad but accepted it.

I guess I want to know a) is this bringing old things up/re-writing events normal and b) just some solidarity around the shock and and advice on how to prepare myself for such behaviour as relatively new to being awake to BPD...and finding myself regularly in a place where the future of my marriage feels unclear.

With gratitude,
Thank you

[Sid_7]

Hi all,
Having been on a path of acceptance about my wife having (non-diagnosed) BPD, I've been feeling okay for a while having absorbed and practised communications styles outlined in 'Eggshells'.

A few months ago my wife amd I - with for 5 years married for 2 years - had a positive process whereby I took responsibility for something I genuinely needed to apologise for. It was healing for us both, took a few months to get to that place, in part because her accusations, gaslighting and name-calling made it impossible to have a civil conversation and, yes, I was too reactive to address the issue calmly.

Yesterday, she brought up her sadness how, although she felt understood a few months ago, she still hasn't had an apology and 'has read somewhere' that it's impossible to move on until the person (me) asks for forgiveness.

It shocked me and brought back the same trauma in my body I felt last year during that time she blamed, accused etc. It was a real awakening that things had been good recently but perhaps I can never let my guard down.

FYI I owned my feelings, went for a walk, told her my reality was different and that I'd moved on and forgiven myself and its my belief it's unhealthy to cycle back around to issues that have been dealt with - that I trust my version of events and I don't think we would have had such a positive last few months if that moment hadn't happened. I was on the edge of trying to convince...but owned it. Just didn't budge on 'renewing' any apology pr ask for forgiveness. She was sad but accepted it.

I guess I want to know a) is this bringing old things up/re-writing events normal and b) just some solidarity around the shock and and advice on how to prepare myself for such behaviour as relatively new to being awake to BPD...and finding myself regularly in a place where the future of my marriage feels unclear.

With gratitude,
Thank you

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[15years]

I relate to this so much, insane that someone else than me has experienced this even though I've learned I'm not alone. Could it be that somehow she has to assign the responsibility for her despair to someone and something concrete and this is it. I don't know what you needed to apologize for and perhaps you really needed to, but there's also a risk that her perception of things has made you question your reality. You might be guilty but not THAT guilty?

"Really" begging for forgiveness and taking emotional responsibility (whatever she meant by that?) was an issue I had so much anxiety over for a few years. I've finally let it go and I don't go around thinking about needing to or how to apologize anymore. And that change in me has somehow weakened the tension around that specific problem. And maybe that's what emotional responsibility was all along - not to be so afraid of guilt.

I relate to you describing this as a trauma.

[thankful person]

Hi Sid,
I feel pwbpd really do have a warped perception of the past and their memories also change. In some ways this does make me feel that I can never fully trust my wife or feel safe of not being accused of anything. Yesterday I experienced a mild example of this. Several years ago my wife had given me a bag of her unwanted clothes to take to the charity shop. Months later she lamented that she  thought she’d given me the wrong bag and was missing many clothes that she’d put in a bag to keep. Yesterday (years later) she accused me of being the reason she has nothing to wear. It was all my fault apparently, and she’d believed this all along. Quite frankly I don’t believe this. But with my new understanding of bpd, I didn’t bother arguing it. I mean, I used to be the queen of having the last word… but these days I like to make just one final JADE statement… and then I shut up. So I told her that wasn’t my memory of events and then let it go. So what would have turned into a massive row… didn’t. And that’s about as successful as I think it’ll get round here.

[Sid_7]

Thanks so much 15 years and thankful person - this is such a good example of just hearing others experiences and what resonates helps me feel more sane.

Absolutely 15 yrs - not THAT guilty, is exactly how I shouldn't feel, though it's taken a long time and some reality checks with friends to see this has been escalated (nothing major like an infidelity, more like short-term broken promise I made, just too detailed to go into - in hindsight that 'should' take two or three conversations over a few weeks to work through. Not the 'months of pain' she describes).

And that was a really useful example thankful p. Though this is my first taste of a significant event being rewritten, I can really recognise smaller moments where I've felt stunned at her recollection of things.

The more support I get from this forum - whether I post or read others - the more this supports my own wellbeing. Thank you so much - for these replies and for the forum. It's such a relief!

[Sid_7]

Could it be that somehow she has to assign the responsibility for her despair to someone and something concrete and this is it?

...and yes. This. Absolutely, I believe. She has chosen a fixed point in time where she felt most like the victim. In fact the communication between us has been very good on average (About 3 months) since then. Hence why it felt like such a time-jump and shock

[waverider]

One of the things I realized is that often pwBPD dont get over things, they dont have the necessary emotional regulation. So how do they "seem" to get over things so quickly?  They quarantine them, put them in archives. They dont really deal with them, that is how they can seem to suddenly calm down.

The problem with this is they dont really learn from things either, its like they forget (for the time being). Down the track something else triggers them and the old unresolved issue(s) will come flooding back from the archives with the same level of emotion they had when stored away, often completely out of context, in order to support and validate whatever the trigger was. Which makes the current situation that much worse.

These archived issues are often locked away without any context attached to them, they are like a series of snapshots and quotes, which can the be lent new context. This distorted context along with accurate snippets can easily cause you to doubt your own reality as they appear more factual than your now faded and resolved recollections.

This compounding of examples can turn a couple of vaguely related issues over a spread of many years into examples of "you always do this" as though it all happen this last week.

Often these recollections can go back to sibling squabbles from when they are toddlers. This extensive archives provides enormous fuel for the victimhood attitude. When a therapist goes digging into a pwBPDs history to find triggers for their issues there is a wealth of material for the pwBPD to feed the therapist to lead them down whatever rabbit hole they like.

Make no mistake "incidents" can come back anytime in their lives and in any context. No one is perfect, everyone acts less than ideal at times especially under duress. The difference is if you live with a pwBPD then it is being catalogued, even if subconsciously, and thrown back at you anytime.

The only defense to these historical recollections is not to bite, as that seems to authenticate them as a card on the table. They are often just a fleeting self defense reaction, which is simply a deflection from the issue of the moment

[waverider]

Another thing to consider is often it is when they are self doubting, even potentially feeling at fault over something, or perceive others may want to blame them for something their natural reaction is to blame somebody else for something, even if totally unrelated. The Victim is their default suit of armour. You may never know what it is that triggers this off as they are unlikely to tell you and 'expose" themselves to the very criticism they fear.

[thankful person]

Another thing to consider is often it is when they are self doubting, even potentially feeling at fault over something, or perceive others may want to blame them for something their natural reaction is to blame somebody else for something, even if totally unrelated.

The most irritating thing about the incident with the charity bags, is that my wife actually chose this moment to play the empathetic and understanding spouse, and said to me, “it’s an easy mistake to make…” This makes me realise maybe it was my choice more often than I realised, to start a huge row over something, given that when I chose not to, the issue was dropped. It still irritates me so much, but I’ve now learnt there is absolutely no point in trying to argue about what actually happened, in such circumstances. I am still fighting these urges to be honest.

[15years]

One of the things I realized is that often pwBPD dont get over things, they dont have the necessary emotional regulation. So how do they "seem" to get over things so quickly?  They quarantine them, put them in archives. They dont really deal with them, that is how they can seem to suddenly calm down.

This is a great explanation. My wife definitely has an archive. She herself tells me "I remember everything, so you have to be more careful with me".

One more example.
My wife is very distressed about my romantic history before her, I was her first boyfriend. For 14 years she thought that I wanted to paint a picture of my last ex girlfriend as being perfect and flawless, and now her theory is I did that just to keep her trying to please me, so I could abuse her and so that she would never leave me. This differs greatly from my perception of events and my view of myself but she has interpreted it like that. She wanted to hear something like "I hate that girl, I'm grossed out by the thought that I dated her". When I finally told her something like this (to please her) she was relieved and it was archived for a few months, but then later brought up again when she felt I gave her another impression once again.

Now the stage we're at now is strange. She has decided for herself that she will no longer believe in my "lies", she KNOWS that she is the love of my life and that I'm ashamed and saddened by the fact that she wasn't my first girlfriend... (?) Isn't that a very twisted form of self soothing? It's interesting.

[FirstSteps]

This thread is also useful for me as a reference.  Waverider - what you wrote is a wake up call.  My wife definitely has a library of past events that she chooses from whenever it matches her strong emotion.  Every single thing is something I have apologized for profusely or that we have worked through (even including therapy about one issue that was absolutely not my fault). In retrospect, I needed to apologize for some of it but not all of it, and I absolutely did not deserve years of agony over my actions.

I'm only now accepting that none of the issues will ever be forgotten or truly forgiven.  It's a huge obstacle for me.   

[TheBatHammer]

I started apologizing electronically. Via email. She still denied it,  but at least I knew I wasn’t crazy.