It does get better but …

[NotAHero]

 My story can be followed all the way from the bettering boards. 5 years relationship and a child, push and pull cycles forcing me to end the relationship then months of pain, suffering and trying to detach.

 I can report that things did get better for me in the last couple weeks. The stages I went through looks like this:

 1- Trying to work things out by seeking therapy, trying to appease the monster, getting abused, lied to.

2- Waking up thanks to past experience with someone worse ( not a BPD but worse) therefore taking care of the legal side and  protecting my child

3- Still trying to work something out, getting more abused , lied to and cheated on eventually in the process

4- Fuzzy boundaries, crying alone, unable to get myself to want another woman therefore being vulnerable to bread crumbs intimacy for months after it should of been over and done with

5- Securing my child routine and stability followed by Intense self care, mental work, therapy, will power and eventually about 2 weeks ago was able to go out there and get some connection more than just friendships.

6- Regaining my ability to pursue and charm potential dates. My attention started to shift toward the possibilities I have. The chance to form a true connection with someone real.

 Still in the early stages but I don’t miss her the same way I did. I don’t see her the way I used to anymore. I don’t crave her presence, I do clearly see her for who she is after all. I have few potential suiters with many more to come. I know myself and once I find the right person I will be willing to settle again.

  Do I feel 100% over her and secure not to fall into the cycle and addiction to her insanity again? No. Do I feel it’s different this time and I can most likely do it ? Yes, yes yes

 I hope someone here can find solace in my update and progress. You can do it.

[drumdog4M]

Thank you for your post, and congratulations on your progress. It helps to reinforce my hope.

[NotAHero]

Thank you for your post, and congratulations on your progress. It helps to reinforce my hope.

 Of course. Just keep in mind this is a process and not an “aha” moment like many other things in life. Even if you were able to get over past normal relationships faster this is different and seems to be a process.

[2020]

Wow! You have come a long way in… eight months? This gives me hope too. I don’t think I’ll be able to even think about another woman for quite a while. But you do sound on top of things. You sound like you are mentally doing ok. I am finding that most of the time, I am not ok, but there are some brief moments where she is not squatting in my mind.

I have noticed differences too. There are things, basic things like going to a shop, where I don’t have this nervous fear of whether she approves or not. I don’t have to break the news to her at the calmest moments. Maybe that is progress? Feels like a weight being lifted. I kind of feel lost.

I hope things continue upward for you! You sound together and strong! Well done!

[NotAHero]

Wow! You have come a long way in… eight months? This gives me hope too. I don’t think I’ll be able to even think about another woman for quite a while. But you do sound on top of things. You sound like you are mentally doing ok. I am finding that most of the time, I am not ok, but there are some brief moments where she is not squatting in my mind.

I have noticed differences too. There are things, basic things like going to a shop, where I don’t have this nervous fear of whether she approves or not. I don’t have to break the news to her at the calmest moments. Maybe that is progress? Feels like a weight being lifted. I kind of feel lost.

I hope things continue upward for you! You sound together and strong! Well done!

 For months I would go out to shop and the first thought that popped in my mind when I saw make up or perfume is how I am going to surprise her with it and see her smile. When I saw a new interesting foods to try I would think how I will text her to get her excited what I look will be making her for dinner and how we will eat it cuddling and watching tv.

   Meanwhile she was going out there doing whatever with whoever as if I never existed. Only to run back to me to try and recycle me whenever she had a brief sober moment realizing what she lost but then her insecurity would kick off again and off to the chase she goes …

 We are not on their minds the same way they are on ours. Their world is so much in the here and now and even if we are on their minds it’s for the very wrong reasons.  I know she thinks of me for validation - that she “owned” a high caliber guy once and she is failing to replicate the experience, for example. Or recently I was in her mind because she saw me effortlessly getting many other “options” but it was never for the right reasons. She never missed me because of the bond we had. That means nothing to them. Once I saw that first hand - at least in my case since she has narcissistic comorbidity - it was easier to detach.

 Again it was not easy and sometimes until now I briefly feel disappointed. It does, however, get easier if you follow the right thoughts, ground yourself in reality and focus on yourself and what truly matters. Took me 8 months of suffering and over a year before that of turmoil and chaos as well. Time maybe different in each case but work toward cutting the cord and your life will be better because of it once it’s done!

[2020]

Yes, thanks for taking the time to share this. I hope to be in a better head space soon.

It was interesting to hear about you and the perfume or make up. I found myself thinking about that yesterday while out. I used to buy her these French Avène skin care products she liked. She was always getting treats and presents. Italian Chocolates or flowers. I was even buying her bras. She never had to open a car door. She was treated like royalty. It is no surprise I feel lost without her. I was her servant, her carer, her caretaker.

Today I am thinking where I might be if I put even a fraction of that effort into self care. Once the chains of heartache and depression go, I might be in a very different place.

[WhatToDo47]

Helpful post! Interesting points above about the void created by not being their “servant” anymore. I can relate. Hang in there all, it does get better if you stay the course!