Need advice on what to do?

[Deidara_12]

Hi! So to start things off I'm a 23 year old male and my ex(25f) has BPD. I've known about it since we first met, though I didn't know much about it. The relationship started off exactly how it seems every BPD relationship starts. Super intense, she was overly clingy and we spent a huge amount of time together. She had a bad home life so since like 3-4 weeks of dating she moved in with me. Living with her was honestly very difficult. She brought her bunny with(the bunny she literally never took care of). She'd also very reluctantly clean up after herself. She was very messy and a forgetful person. I'd struggle with trying to get her to do simple things but I loved her ya know. I put up with it as best I could. Fast forward 8 months. We break up and she says things like "I'd rather just rip the band aid off now before it hurts anymore" and other things of that nature. Then she moves into a friends house. I did all the "No comeback, let me help you! I love you" typical stuff lmao.

Well she ended up apologizing for that after a week or two of not talking and then things were good, then we got into a minor argument and things went to _____ again. We weren't dating but we were working on things to try and date again. Welp now last month I did what others with BPD/Experience with BPD told me I shouldn't of done. I gave her an ultimatum. She either clean up after herself and BOTH of her animals(bc she got a dog now), seek therapy like she told me she so badly needed or she should move out. She freaked out, told me she was homeless before and was like "if you really loved you wouldn't of done this". Now she's moved out almost completely. She says she has an apartment but won't tell me where. She lives with "friends" I'm assuming coworkers idk and she's blamed EVERYTHING on me. Says me giving her that ultimatum was a "psycho move" and I was pleading with to just go to therapy, how much I still loved her and was willing to even help pay for it. She dodged all that and was saying that I was the one who needed therapy and was an awful person for talking to others(I joined a BPD discord to learn more) about her BPD and now she wants nothing to do with me.

Yesterday I gave up. I wasn't going to plead with her anymore. I wasn't going to text her telling her how much I love her/miss her. I told her "You're right, we're probably not compatible and we should probably go no contact like you said". She only said that she'll let me know when she's coming to get the rest of her stuff. For those who've experienced this before, what do I do? I'm focusing on myself, college and my career, hanging out with friends etc but honestly I really want her to apologize and seek ________ing therapy. Especially since before she left she told me how "hard it is to try and not think of suicide or cut myself again". All I want to do is be comforting to her but she's literally treating me like I'm a ________in villain. After reading through some posts here I saw that smothering her with affection will only make her hate me more so I guess it's good that I basically agreed with what she said then right? People have told me "99% of the time she'll come back" but I'm starting to feel like she's always gonna hate me, which sucks but I realistically don't want our old relationship. I know that people with BPD mirror themselves to their significant other but she genuinely has the same music taste, same long term goals as me, same sense of humor etc. I know it's not mirroring because she was like this before we even dated or knew each other. I'm not superman and I'm not trying to be anymore, I just don't know what else to do as I really do miss her. What should I do? Any advice or anything is super appreciated!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

*welcome"

I'm glad you have taken the step to post. 

It appears to me that you have an understanding of how she "really" is. 

Is it fair to say that you also see lots of "potential" in her?


What is your goal in seeking advice from us?  Asked another way...a month from now, what would you like your relationship with your pwBPD to be like?

Best,

FF

[Deidara_12]

*welcome"

I'm glad you have taken the step to post. 

It appears to me that you have an understanding of how she "really" is. 

Is it fair to say that you also see lots of "potential" in her?


What is your goal in seeking advice from us?  Asked another way...a month from now, what would you like your relationship with your pwBPD to be like?

Best,

FF

Honestly after re reading my post, I can see that I didn't really ask a clear question at all. I was in a bit of an emotionally charged mood so I'm sorry, but to answer your question. In a month from now with us? I'm not sure. We're broken up and she's gotten all of her stuff from my house now and has blocked me on everything so I'm not sure. I'd love for her to apologize for deflecting all of her issues on me and for her to promise to finally seek therapy but that might just be wishful thinking. I do see a lot of potential in a relationship with her. We got along great, same music taste, sense of humor, long term goals, love languages that complimented each other and even zodiac signs (If you're into that kind of thing ), but only time will tell I think

[formflier]

What can you do for this coming week to make a big increase in your "self care"?
 

Combine that with the knowledge you will gain here over the coming week and I would bet a week from now you can see some different perspectives.

Has she ever blocked you like this before?  If so how long did it last, how did it resolve.

Last:  No worries on not asking a clear question...trust me, we ALL know what a mind blender these relationships can be.  We've got you on this!

Best,

FF

[Deidara_12]

What can you do for this coming week to make a big increase in your "self care"?
 

Combine that with the knowledge you will gain here over the coming week and I would bet a week from now you can see some different perspectives.

Has she ever blocked you like this before?  If so how long did it last, how did it resolve.

Last:  No worries on not asking a clear question...trust me, we ALL know what a mind blender these relationships can be.  We've got you on this!

Best,

FF

Nope, this is the first time she's blocked me. The first time we broke up was slightly similar. Started off with a "maybe we'll try again" to a "No we're done" but this time she was super angry at me and like I said, has basically been treating me like she hates me. The ultimatum I gave her really triggered a lot of anger and was the turning point of the relationship. A part of me really hope she apologizes one day and makes a commitment to getting help, but there's nothing more I can do for her, even though I'd love to be there for her again.

[formflier]

So what does upping self care look like for you this week?

Best,

FF

[Deidara_12]

So what does upping self care look like for you this week?

Best,

FF

Welp, when we were together we both gained a bit of weight so I'm trying to lose this extra 20 pounds. Plus I also had to get rid of my nose piercing for work at the time so I guess get my nose re-pierced and continue losing a bit of weight.