Dealing with guilt post-divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I posted a couple of months ago about whether I should divorce my (potentially) pwBPD wife, who was physically violent towards me after what I realise was months of emotional abuse.

I took the decision to divorce and obviously it hasn’t gone down well. Many accusations that I married her for visa reasons to stay in the US (our marriage was accelerated for that reason, and my wholehearted intention was to spend my life with her).

She sent a financial proposal asking me to pay for things like the use of her car during our marriage (I paid my share of gas and maintenance throughout) and her therapy to deal with the emotional crisis I have ‘caused’. I challenged those payments. In hindsight, probably should just have swallowed them.

In any case, my problem now (one of many, including dealing with my own stuff) is that I cannot seem to shake the guilt of ending the relationship. I find myself worrying a lot about how she is, whether I have upset her and whether I should just cede to her demands so I am not doing any more damage. It’s warped, but I suppose quite common for someone in my position.

I’m also having a hard time ‘being the bad guy’, knowing that her friends, who became genuine friends of mine, will see me as the person she describes. I find myself responding to social media posts knowing that it’s not going to get me anywhere, and I’m seeking validation that I am not a bad person, in their eyes.

I have a therapist to help but has anyone experienced similar emotions? Did you do anything in particular that helped?

[SenorPlaya]

I posted a couple of months ago about whether I should divorce my (potentially) pwBPD wife, who was physically violent towards me after what I realise was months of emotional abuse.

I took the decision to divorce and obviously it hasn’t gone down well. Many accusations that I married her for visa reasons to stay in the US (our marriage was accelerated for that reason, and my wholehearted intention was to spend my life with her).

She sent a financial proposal asking me to pay for things like the use of her car during our marriage (I paid my share of gas and maintenance throughout) and her therapy to deal with the emotional crisis I have ‘caused’. I challenged those payments. In hindsight, probably should just have swallowed them.

In any case, my problem now (one of many, including dealing with my own stuff) is that I cannot seem to shake the guilt of ending the relationship. I find myself worrying a lot about how she is, whether I have upset her and whether I should just cede to her demands so I am not doing any more damage. It’s warped, but I suppose quite common for someone in my position.

I’m also having a hard time ‘being the bad guy’, knowing that her friends, who became genuine friends of mine, will see me as the person she describes. I find myself responding to social media posts knowing that it’s not going to get me anywhere, and I’m seeking validation that I am not a bad person, in their eyes.

I have a therapist to help but has anyone experienced similar emotions? Did you do anything in particular that helped?

[Mutt]

I think that a lot of members can relate with worrying about their ex partners needs and putting their own on the back burner.

It’s brave that you had the courage to stand up for yourself and ended a r/s that was not healthy for you.

pwBPD wife, who was physically violent towards me after what I realise was months of emotional abuse.

In regards to her friends, her friends are going to be loyal to her and it’s going to be really difficult to convince them otherwise. You know your truth. You don’t need to justify or explain your reasons.