planning a divorce feels like a betrayal

[B2]

I've decided I no longer want to be in a relationship with my BPD husband.  I'm trying to figure out how to make this happen, but I'm really struggling with the fact he doesn't know what I'm thinking or that I'm preparing to leave.  He's been trying to be better, but I know from experience that it can switch at a moments notice and I just can't do it anymore.  Am I right to try and organize where to go after I tell him?  If we have always said we would not get attorneys involved if we ended up divorced, should I stick to that? 

Anybody have any advice on how to handle this horrible feeling?  How did you get through it and not end up with a stomach ulcer?

[BigOof]

It takes on average seven times to leave an abusive relationship. The intermittent reinforcement of good times versus bad times has the effect of making it hard to leave since you're constantly trying to get back to the good times. To get over the horrible feeling of leaving and the desire to reconnect, I listen to recordings of rampages, dysregulations, blaming, and accusations. Two minutes in and I'm good for months.

[B2]

Thank you.  That is pretty much what I've been doing... although the replay is in my head.  Every time I get up the nerve to tell him I want a divorce, there's always a "reason" not to do it at that moment.  The back and forth is exhausting. 

[ForeverDad]

Being fair, such as alerting your spouse you are going to leave before making plans and getting legal advice, is a poor strategy.

We pride ourselves on being Nice Guys and Nice Gals, that's our nature, but when ending a volatile or problem relationship such as one with acting-out BPD behaviors, that's a distinct disadvantage.  Why?  It gives the other the upper hand to either lure us back or to actively sabotage us.

"But I promised not to... (do this or that)"  Yes, I did and you did.  But between then and now you've been educating yourself, learning skills, tools and strategies.  You're not the same person you were, right?  So why would you hold yourself to prior promises?  Aren't you allowed to reconsider and update prior less-informed promises?

Ponder that.

[BigOof]

...although the replay is in my head.

You should make digital recordings.

[yeeter]

Being fair, such as alerting your spouse you are going to leave before making plans and getting legal advice, is a poor strategy.

This.

I attempted a divorce process then aborted at the 11th hour.  Then 8 years later consulted with an attorney again about 'what if'.  Then finally the process started a year after that.

It was useful even while staying to have done some homework on the process and likely outcomes.  No I did not spend all that time stashing money and information (had made an actual commitment to try to make the relationship work - but it could not).  Still, even small pieces of informed information can take some the fear out of the prospect.

Consider it educating yourself at a minimum. 

[B2]

[quote author=ForeverDad link=topic=352893.msg13172388#msg13172388 date=1652734779

"But I promised not to... (do this or that)"  Yes, I did and you did.  But between then and now you've been educating yourself, learning skills, tools and strategies.  You're not the same person you were, right?  So why would you hold yourself to prior promises?  Aren't you allowed to reconsider and update prior less-informed promises?

Thank you.  That is very true and what I needed to hear.

[livednlearned]

If you plan to exit a BPD relationship and have doubts, it might help to look at some of the communication and relationship skills that are mostly counterintuitive and must be learned.

The same skills will help you raise emotionally resilient kids -- they will struggle having a BPD parent and will look to you for guidance on how to manage dad.

It's very helpful in these relationships to understand how BPD works, and how you respond and why. That way you can manage your own emotions by understanding what's actually happening, and then have an effective response.

What are some of the more challenging behaviors happening that you are dealing with?

[B2]

What are some of the more challenging behaviors happening that you are dealing with?

He will go from a loving spouse to (what feels like) hating me and blaming me for everything he doesn’t like about his life.  (This was a real “Aha” moment for me when I realized he blames me for everything that he doesn’t like in his life.)  The severity of this will fluctuate.  Sometimes he’s quietly angry and sometimes he lashes out.  Unfortunately, even when he’s quiet, I’m bracing myself for something nasty to come out of his mouth.  When he’s really angry he will kick and hit things, but he’s never physically violent with anyone else.  There was one time in particular when he came home from work angry and kicked the dog bowls across the floor hard enough to break them both.  My 15 year old was there and started crying.  He told her if she was upset, to “just get over it”.  Later he will apologize and defend his actions.  It’s so difficult not knowing which person you will get.  The funny, loving spouse or the one that hates you.

[Skip]

planning a divorce feels like a betrayal

The more "out of the blue" this comes, the more like betrayal it will feel. There is a reason you have these feelings. Divorce is betrayal and a person with BPD-traits already has abandonment issues so this is hard stuff.  It's not to say you should stay, but it is to say that a "less damaging" exit requires a some work/time.

I'm trying to figure out how to make this happen, but I'm really struggling with the fact he doesn't know what I'm thinking or that I'm preparing to leave.  He's been trying to be better, but I know from experience...

One of the cleanest ways to get out is to go to couples therapy, but tell the therapist that if there is no clear path to progress in __ (n)sessions that you want to shift the focus to divorce as a solution with his help. Afterward file a divorce case with recommended temporary orders and set a court date for finalizing the temporary orders. Try to agree, as much as you can and let the judge make the hard calls. Then move out.

This might take 4 awkward months, but that is four months to wind down and accept the dissolution of the family and avoid a huge blow up drama (or at least experience it in stages). This can be easier on the kids, too. If he feels you should not be in the same home at some point, let him move out.

If we have always said we would not get attorneys involved if we ended up divorced, should I stick to that? 

You might agree during therapy to get collaborative lawyers - collaborative law is about working together on a settlement. The collaborative attorneys can keep things on track and be tactful when there are difficulties.  Some will surely comment that pwBPD can be really difficult in divorces and that is true. You know him and can be the best judge.

[B2]

I agree that going to marriage counseling is a good idea, but he has already refused to go.  He thinks any “talk” therapy is a waste of time and money.  I can’t honestly see him ever agreeing to go.  I threatened to leave unless we tried counseling, but he convinced me to stay and that he would “try harder”.   To be fair, he did try harder… it lasted a few weeks.  That was the first time I threatened to leave.  I’ve been unhappy for a long time, but have held onto hope that he would get better.  It wasn’t until recently that I figured out what was actually going on.  I read “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and it was like someone turning the light on in a dark room and punching you in the gut at the same time.  I just couldn’t believe that all the signs were right in front of me and I kept ignoring them for so long.  The advice in the book was to accept him the way he is (while trying to get him help) or to leave. (I’m obviously paraphrasing).  So much has happened.  I know I’m holding onto a lot anger towards him… which is why I sought out a support group.  And why I should probably look into counseling for me, even if he won’t go. 

[ForeverDad]

... which is why I sought out a support group.  And why I should probably look into counseling for me, even if he won’t go.

We sometimes comment that support is like a 3 legged stool:  trusted friends and family; experienced counselor; peer support such as here.

And if the relationship is and continues failing, then an experienced proactive attorney.