He was everything my ex wasn’t, attentive, passionate, exciting and he adored me. He helped me and my children through some difficult times, he was kind and really generous to us.
People with BPD (pwBPD) can be incredibly charming and considerate at the beginning of the relationship (the love bombing phase), however that is just a phase where they hope to win your love. Afterwards, things change…unfortunately.
The problem was because I was still getting over my marriage this new guy became very jealous. At first I thought it was flattering but then it became very bad. He would search my phone, become very paranoid and really unstable. We broke up but tried again and again he just doesn’t cope with his jealousy, he gets angry and sees me as a really ‘bad’ person one minute and the next minute he doesn’t. He looks and talks to me some days like he can’t stand me and I’m evil and the next day he loves me.
Paranoia and lack of emotional stability are classic signs of BPD.
I want to know how I can get him to trust me again, I want to get back into his life but this time to support him with more compassion for what he is going through. He is a beautiful soul deep down, how do I help him out this splitting cycle and how can I get him to see I am on his side? I really want to be with him, I feel I have more tools to cope with him now that I am learning more about his mental health
You are asking lots of questions that come down to: how can I manipulate this guy? That’s a cold, harsh look at what you’re wanting to do. I understand that you want to do it for his benefit, to help him, but how I phrased it in the first sentence in this paragraph is how it will appear to him.
Granted, we
all would like to do that with our partners. But it won’t work. Though they have a mental illness, they still have free will. And you’ve already observed a big component of BPD—paranoia. If you start trying to “make him feel” other than the way he feels, you haven’t seen anything yet, regarding paranoia.
What you can do is to make yourself more intriguing and lessen the conflict. Take a look at the Tools at the top of this page. Either he will get out of the splitting phase with you or he won’t. You cannot
make it end. What you can do is at some point, suggest a simple date for coffee or a walk and then see what happens.
