How to reverse the damage? What do I say to him?

[Noone]

Hi I'm in a complicated relationship.
My husband left about a year ago and since then We've had an on-off relationship. On when he misses me and off when he feels threatened and becomes aggressive. The last off period has been the longest ever, 3 months, and after a huge torrent of abuse I decided to move on. I reconnected with myself and have become much stronger.

The problem is not that I do anything bad.

For the last few weeks he has been back in touch. I went to see him.  To begin with he was lovely and making a huge effort and I saw the person who I love in a difficult situation. Then suddenly last night he started with the victim-paranoia-frustration.  I had to leave.
Before I left I was fuming and I did something that I don't usually do. I shouted back at him. I told him that his behaviour was disgraceful, that he had blown his last chance, and a few home truths..

I regret that now. I feel justified to have said it. I've endured so many false accusations and I won't tolerate any more. But it won't have helped. He rarely admits to his misdeeds and mistreatment.  Last night I really did feel that that's it, but I do love him.
These changes in mood are so sudden and can come at any time.

Any advice as to what I can say to improve the situation? I have to be really careful what I say because he could block me.
Thank you.


REPLY No1
Hi thank you for the reply. I honestly don't know what I would say to her. I called him again this morning and I went back. He became angry again. I am really concerned because there was no rationality behind this. I don't know what to do.


REPLY No2
Yes I'm safe. The situation that you highlighted was reached after a lot of argument. Could I have avoided it by not responding to the goading? I don't know. Sometimes, if I stay quiet, the anger lessens but it doesn't settle completely; it simmers, and reversing back to good mood is almost impossible.  Sometimes the anger rises so abruptly and, to me, so unreasonably that I react. The truth is that I'm sick of being treated badly for things which I'm not doing. But there's no convincing him of that.

But then sometimes I look at him and I see so much emotional pain that my anger dissolves and I just feel so helpless.  He's not necessarily trying to hurt me. He's lashing out to protect himself.
I'm calmer now than I was when I write the original post after spending time with good friends. But I still need to find a solution to how to communicate with him.
I'm interested to know what you think it is if you feel like it's more than bpd.

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[Rev]

Hi Noone

Thanks for the courage you showed in sharing this story.

At times like this, when we are having trouble seeing the forest from the drama that is our own trees, I a believer in going through the following practice:

I would encourage you to go in front of the mirror, look at yourself in mirror, and read these words to yourself, out loud.  Please repeat this a few times.

Imagine, now, what advice you would give the woman in the mirror. My intuition tells me that you already know what you might do, that maybe you are down to a couple of options even, and that you are naturally emotionally torn.

Maybe, if you did this, you might write back again with a different take on the same situation?  

Thoughts?

Rev

[Noone]

Hi thank you for the reply. I honestly don't know what I would say to her. I called him again this morning and I went back so he could finish the work. He became angry again after a few hours and started saying that I was playing psychological games again. I am really concerned because there was no rationality behind this. All that I know is that I see someone who I love falling apart and I can't help him because he takes everything as I'm trying to hurt him. If I tell him that I love him then he tells me that I'm lying. I said that I'm sorry for hurting him and he said that I'm lying. I don't know what to do.

[Rev]

Hi thank you for the reply. I honestly don't know what I would say to her. I called him again this morning and I went back so he could finish the work. He became angry again after a few hours and started saying that I was playing psychological games again. I am really concerned because there was no rationality behind this. All that I know is that I see someone who I love falling apart and I can't help him because he takes everything as I'm trying to hurt him. If I tell him that I love him then he tells me that I'm lying. I said that I'm sorry for hurting him and he said that I'm lying. I don't know what to do.

Hi again

On the.surface it sounds like more than BPD. The piece that I highlighted belies a complete lack of empathy.

How long have you been together?

When did the behavior start exactly?

How did it start? How did it evolve.

And most importantly - are you safe?

Rev

[Noone]

Yes I'm safe. The situation that you highlighted was reached after a lot of argument. Could I have avoided it by not responding to the goading? I don't know. Sometimes, if I stay quiet, the anger lessens but it doesn't settle completely; it simmers, and reversing back to good mood is almost impossible. When we got back in touch on Sunday he showed me two other blankets and basically said it was my fault because I didn't use them. I didn't know about them. Anyway, what it came down to is that he wanted me to leave. He needed me to leave because he was having an episode. He needed calm. Me trying to tell him that he's wrong is interpreted as me lying and just puts him more confused, and consequently, angry. That's why the accusations of mind games. He needed to be alone. I wasn't out on the street, I had to drive home 2 hours. Sometimes the anger rises so abruptly and, to me, so unreasonably that I react. The truth is that I'm sick of being treated badly for things which I'm not doing. But there's no convincing him of that.

But then sometimes I look at him and I see so much emotional pain that my anger dissolves and I just feel so helpless.  He's not necessarily trying to hurt me. He's lashing out to protect himself.

He's always been temperamental but since this disease it has become intolerable.

I'm calmer now than I was when I write the original post after spending time with good friends. But I still need to find a solution to how to communicate with him.

I'm interested to know what you think it is if you feel like it's more than bpd.

Thank you for your concern.

[Rev]

Well - I would not venture a guess here.  And BPD can come with other conditions. So I would suggest that if someone dissociates to the point of what you are describing - something is taking over.

My point here is to consider that the tools you are looking for may have their limitations. It may help you to second guess yourself less.

If you take some time to answer the other questions I've asked then we can look deeper.

Rev

[Noone]

I never considered dissociation. He has an excellent memory, he remembers details that I have forgotten from years ago. He doesn't zone out, he is always alert. I always called it paranoia.

But you saying that made me do a quick Google on dissociation and I found an interesting article on dissociation, bpd and gaslighting. I have always been confused by the gaslighting because I don't feel that it's done in a narcissistic way. He really believes things, to the point of even denying physical evidence which I show him.
 
For the other questions, I wonder could I reply to you by message? I'm not really comfortable giving too much personal info so publicly.

Thank you

[Rev]

I never considered dissociation. He has an excellent memory, he remembers details that I have forgotten from years ago. He doesn't zone out, he is always alert. I always called it paranoia.

But you saying that made me do a quick Google on dissociation and I found an interesting article on dissociation, bpd and gaslighting. I have always been confused by the gaslighting because I don't feel that it's done in a narcissistic way. He really believes things, to the point of even denying physical evidence which I show him.
 
For the other questions, I wonder could I reply to you by message? I'm not really comfortable giving too much personal info so publicly.

Thank you

For sure go to pvt message.

And no pressure. After all - it's your story tell as you wish to tell it.

Rev