Want to go NC, any help would be appreciated

[GoRunning]

Hi,
I am new here and really need some advice. I am 42 years old and have been raised by my uBPD mother and father. My father is a good man, but he walks on eggshells (like the rest of us), only lives his life to please her, and just overall does whatever she says. The only true time I find happiness is when I am completely NC with her. The problem is, I am not sure how to do this for more than a few months. In December of 2021, I went NC by telling her I needed some time and just blocked her. She showed up at my house (after sending me emails I did not respond to) in April of 2022 demanding to know what the problem is and demanding a relationship with me and my children. Because I am literally scared of her, I just said I was going through a hard time and I would unblock her, etc. Fast forward to June and I have made no effort to see her so she sent me a text at 2am last night saying "no excuses, what is the problem? Why has our family abandoned us? This is CRUEL of you."

A little back story... I was married before and had 3 children with him. My mother was always an issue in our marriage. I would make excuses as I was always the "mother" to her. Now I am remarried to a special man and I do not want her in our lives but how do I do this? Do I send her an email telling her I need to heal and need space? Do I do it with no explanation? I'm afraid of her showing up at my home again. If I try to explain I know it will be turned around to all my fault, as nothing is ever her fault.

I am dealing with all of this all while feeling like the worst daughter ever for even wanting to be separate from my mother. Any help or support would be greatly appreciated.

When I see her name pop up on my phone I immediately feel anxious, shart shaking, crying, etc. Many years of suppressing my feelings have really taken their toll on me.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi GoRunning, and welcome to the board !

I am not sure I am the right person currently to provide advice to you regarding how to go no contact, as I am still in it, processing lots of emotions and guilt right now, but I did want to let you know you are not alone.

I also realized a couple months ago that I was C-PTSD and that my mother triggers anxiety for me and a lot of stress, generally. My mother's main emotion is anger/rage, so when I asked I wanted a pause from our relationship to heal, usually, in my case, she gets angry and turn it around saying to everyone else she is the one that needed the pause. It does make it maybe a bit easier, in a way...

If she were to show up on my doorsteps, I am very unsure what I would do. It would likely trigger my guilt. Depending if my husband is home or not, I might have him send her home. But I don't think she would do that, because we do live 4hours apart and she hates rejection, so I don't think she would put herself at risks of being rejected. How far away from your mother do you live? Would your partner be willing to send her home? Maybe some visualization exercices could help you gather the strength and inner security to confront her if she ever showed up?

As to how to go no contact, this is deeply personal to you. Some annonce it, some don't, some present it as an extended pause, some give an end to it.

For me, at first, there was a time limit to "this summer". Then summer was coming in, and I did not feel like entering contact again, so I sent a letter and broke the silence about something she did, that I knew, would give me some time to myself to heal, and she couldn't say no to. Bought me a few more weeks. Then recently we had an email exchange, in which I set a condition to have contact again, which was to go to family therapy together.

She might never do it, and it is ok. This was my limit. I know I won't feel safe enough sitting alone with her discussing our relationship, so I asked for a therapist to be there as witness and facilitator. She will likely never do that... So this condition basically set me up for "no contact" and she has a ball in hands if she wishes to re-enter contact with my family and me.  It eases the guilt a little bit on my end.

Like you, I have children whom she really wishes she could be a grandmother to, so I don't know how all this will play out, and I know there is no coming back from what I did. She will always resent me for the time I stole from her being with her grandkids if we ever reenter contact again... But I did feel a strong need to protect my children from her, and especially to protect my relationship with them from her wedges...

I wish you luck. I don't know if this is helpful to you or not, but I do support you and I get it. It really is not easy having a mother with BPD. Each road just seems paved with guilt, fear, shame and a strong feeling they will just appear out of nowhere to scream at us and guiltrip us... None are easy to walk, and there is no easy fix that will prevent us from feeling a large range of difficult emotions. But we will support you through them.

[beatricex]

hi GoRunning,
I think the best way to do it might be to suggest you and her goto therapy together, then introduce the idea there.  You can prime your therapist for it ahead of time, even practice setting the boundary.  I also like the idea of your husband being the one who chases her off when she shows up.  No one can argue with him.

I went NC twice.  I'm on round two.  I don't have any children, and I moved to another state and she didn't know my address the first time, so it was relatively simple.  7 years later...she did find me.  Be prepared for her doing a "welfare check" on you too.  That's when someone convinces the police to drive by, and you notice on the street you live on, more police activity than ever before.  My advice to this, wave and look happy.  The police do not have to stop and actually check on you, and they don't have to report back to anyone either.  If she does call your local police, don't worry because they're used to estranged daughters cutting off their mothers, I'm sure.  I read an article that something like 25% of people have been estranged from a parent at some point in their life.

Let us know what you decide.
b