First post here. Trying to fix things.

[SageOfBrains]

Hi! I've never really used forums before so forgive me if anything is out of place. My ex and I were going strong for 5 months, we had just finished a 2 week trip across the US and we both agreed it was the best time of our lives. After the trip, she was very adamant on moving in with me, but I lacked the funds cause of the recent trip and was suggesting we hold off. Looking back I believe this is what started things. She is not diagnosed with BPD and i had not realized until looking back at everything that unfolded. We are each-others first true love and this has been very hard to wrap my head around. She had told me she felt her mental health was about to take a huge down turn and that no matter what, I shouldnt let her leave me. She had a male friend she was friends with and it seems she started to get closer w him to set up another person to be in her life when our relationship falls through. She asked if it was ok for them to hang out and i said it was fine cause at the time i fully trusted her and didnt know there was anything going on between them. The day after they hung out she told me we need to take a break. She admitted she doesnt know if this other male was the reason. She also took a misunderstanding we had in the bedroom and starting using it against me and making me believe I sexually assaulted her. I tried to give her space but kept bringing it up cause I knew they were hanging out still and it was painful for me knowing they were getting closer. I kept pushing her to make a decision and she kept telling me she didnt want to choose and we got into a few fights over it. I made some mistakes and called her a bad person for doing this to me and not stepping back from him and it made her very upset. We continued to hang out off and on for 4 days after that when I reached a limit and said if she doesnt make a decision soon, then id make one. The next day she seemed off in our messages, and I decided to call her after she got off work. I seemed to have caught her right before she was going to kill herself. We talked and I decided that we'll just be friends and it seemed to bring her a ton of relief. Of course deep down I still wanted more but swallowed it. 2 days later, her and the male friend were hanging out all night and late that night she calls me and tells me she kissed him and had intentions of sleeping with him, but couldnt go through with it. She told me the kiss felt "platonic" and starting over felt wrong. This of course upset me but I didnt say much. 4 more days had passed and we were calling one morning after they hung out all night. She let it slip that she slept in his bed and I immediately knew what happened. We had plans to hang out that night and I couldnt keep it back and i confronted her and told her im done. I left the house and she broke down. She sent me a text later that night saying shes never felt pain like this before and hopes i take care. I told her I will always be here to talk and she called and she told me the truth I already knew. I reached out to her again after a day and apologized telling her this is all my fault cause at this point i truely felt that way. We hung out a few times and she was spending a lot of time with the male friend. She had told him i sexually assaulted her and he hates me for it but one day he reached out to me saying hes trying to be my friend cause lillie wants us to be friends. I went along with it for a little bit. after a few more days of this she "accidently" sent me a tiktok that was very flirty which was most likely meant for the male friend or to manipulate me im still not sure. So i got upset w her and she got mad at me for feeling the way i felt. I pressed her asking why she cant admit she cheated on me emotionally. Later that night I decided to be petty and posted me with an old female friend on my story cause she had said were just friend and she wouldnt be bothered if i looked for someone else to i tested it. She freaked out on me, made a post saying that shes getting "railed by the guy I was worried about". I called her and blew up on her. I called her self centered abusive manipulative and that all shes been doing is gaslighting me and keeping me on a string. She shut down and cried until she hyperventilated. I felt what I said was deserved but still felt horrible about it. She blocked me on everything the next day. 4 days later i reached out to her and told her im sorry for everything and told her i hope one day we could be friends and that id accept if she didnt want that. called me manipulative half way through the apology and that she wishes id give her space. After i had finished typing out my apology she didnt reply and i left it there. The next day she asked if i wanted her old headset cause she felt bad throwing it away. I said im good and she said ok. The next day she blocked me on everything. I dont know if she was probing me to see what id do i really dont know. Its been 4 days now since then and shes officially announced that shes dating this guy and they are already living together. She has been posting on her alt account saying she feels empty and it makes me so sad. I only realized shes borderline 3 days ago and now I dont hold any real grudge against her. I feel like she sabotaged our relationship. I was the first person to treat her right and not abuse her. When we started our relationship she took steps to hold off and stay friends so she wouldnt rebound to me from her very recent breakup. She made sure we only hung out 2-3 days max a week and took time to herself to do things on her own. She was really taking steps shes never taken before to make our relationship healthy and it was amazing. She talked  about wanting therapy and I was getting everything set up for her and was ready to get her in but all this happened right before i could show her how to start.

I love her and believe she still deeply loves me as the male friend had told me she still talks about me all the time. He told me this the day she made that post about getting "railed" by him. This guy enabled her problems and has many problems of his own and I am worried about how far shes going to fall after all the progress she made. I just want to know how I can get her back and if I cant, how i could rekindle a friendship cause she has no one positive in her life and would love to at least support her like I did when we were together. She had been doing so good working on herself and it pains me so much to see where she currently is at, knowing its going to get worse for her. Shes using him to not be alone, to get high all the time, and to have somewhere to stay.

Im sorry for the structuring of this I know its probably a mess to read through!

Any sort of guidance would be amazing cause I know what we had was real. I know shes never loved someone like the way she loved me and I feel the same about her.

I would do anything for her and Im willing to be with her my entire life and support her.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SageOfBrains]

My God I'm so sorry for the structure of this post! I was a little intoxicated I wrote this and can rewrite this post if needed.

[Cat Familiar]

Since this woman is your first *true love* you may not be aware of the Idealization Phase that occurs with BPD. People with BPD mirror their partners so successfully that one comes to believe that this is the *perfect person* for me—they share my beliefs, my interests, my activities, etc.

This feeling of finding our *unicorn partner* is what keeps us returning to the relationship, time and time again, after very bad and unkind behavior from our partner, believing that this is just a *one off* and that the relationship will return to the magical state we experienced at the beginning.

Sorry to disappoint you, but this is the *honeymoon phase* which, if it returns at all, is only seen in glimpses, usually after a fight.

Here’s an article that can put this into perspective:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[SageOfBrains]

I know about mirroring and other things that borderlines do. She had mentioned how she sometimes take on others personalities and seemed partially aware of what she does. Throughout our relationship she took steps to make sure she didnt do those things. We would only spend 2-3 days together at first. She would take time to read by herself at a cafe or other things alone that shes never done before. She would tell me it was tough at times but she felt really proud of herself cause these are things shes never been able to do without someone being with her. She never mirrored my interests and other things I could tell we had our differences throughout the relationship but we made it work. A lot of the healthy decisions made in our relationship were her idea originally. We took things very slowly so we could see through the honeymoon phase. When things first went down she was telling her friends how much she really loved me, that I was her first true love and I'm sorry but I believe her. I know she's self  sabotaged relationships in the past and I'm convinced this was what she did. Her overall mental health including her self image started to decline right before this and she told me she was scared of what might happen. She told me she loved me and no matter what to not let her leave me.

Shes officially dating the other guy now and I can tell its not the same. Shes been living w him since before they started dating and have moved really fast. I know shes using him for a place to stay because her grandma has been fighting with her over how she treated me so she doesnt wanna live there rn. She never smoked often cause she didnt like how it affected her but shes been smoking 24/7 w this guy from what I can tell. She makes posts on social saying she feels empty. She never posted things like that w/ me it was always very positive posts. I can tell shes hurting and I want to know if theres anything I can do. I feel like I have to let their relationship run its course and reach out in a few months but idk.

[SageOfBrains]

I've been unwilling to accept what has happened. I think maybe she loved me in some capacity but she used me. Its been the hardest, most painful thing to accept. I've been in denial for weeks about all of this. I just wish I never went on that 2 week trip w/ her. It was the most wonderful thing in my life. And now I have nothing. I lost my job cause of how my mental health was impacted and I am alone. I neglected all my friendships to  make sure I was there for her 24/7.

This is the most painful experience of my life. I wish it never happened.