Ah yes...the whole double standard. It shows up all the time!
BIFF and boring politeness to the new partner, if you interact. Don't share too much. Pleasantries, weather, local happenings, as little as possible about you or the kids. Get good at deflection of overreaches ("Oh, thanks for mentioning that Son wants to do ABC, no worries, Ex and I already have that covered") If/when the kids (just your son though, right?) start talking about her, prep yourself ahead of time to not be reactive, to be curious instead. Lots of "Oh... m hmm... how did you feel when she said that... I wonder what you think about that..." type responses.
This is definitely how I have been trying to operate so far, so thank you for the confirmation and reinforcement!
Nip in the bud any kind of "replacement name" that she "hints" that the kids call her partner.
Maybe work with the family T right now on "here's a starter project we can try,
I had not even gotten there yet on what S9 might potentially call the fiancé...thank you for that! Approaching this particular topic the way you suggested will be tricky, but definitely still important. The complicating factor is that since D13 rejects uBPDxw as her parent, she stopped calling her Mom two years ago already. She refers to her by her first name (and of course has never addressed her directly in the two years that they have not been in contact). So, that's going to be a rocky conversation.
You know uBPDxw will paint that as me denying her role as a co-parent by allowing D13 to stop calling her Mom and even "encouraging it" by me not referring to her as Mom (which would always trigger D13). I do make reference to her being the other parent who I still have to get agreement from on various things, but I'm not going to invalidate D13's reality by insisting on calling her something D13 is so vehemently against...
There's also the approach of "Hey, Family T, I'd like to learn from you what you have seen are pretty common "ground rules" when the kids' other parent dates again... what are things that both parents typically agree on? I'm very open to setting ground rules that apply equally to both of us, I'm curious what you've seen or recommended"
ANYTHING where you can present "here's a pretty normal thing, and let's have this rule apply to both of us" will inevitably show that Ex won't follow the rules or doesn't believe they "technically" apply to her.
I really like this approach and will definitely bring it to the new family T this way. We can fold in the name discussion as part of that at some point...
She may try to maneuver this woman in to create/continue drama with you. Don't meet with either or both of them alone, don't take bait of "Son says he LOOVVVESSS her SOO much", keep it hardcore BIFF and don't feel like you have to be "inclusive" of her necessarily.
(Not because she's necessarily an unsafe person, just because I suspect, like I mentioned above, that Ex will use her -- somehow -- to try to instigate drama).
Thank you for all of this. I
almost got sucked into meeting one-on-one with her last month. uBPDxw had reached out to me while my mother was hospitalized in March, informed me she had started dating someone and intended to introduce S9 in July at the six-month mark (waiting til then per our custody order). She said the GF was very interested in meeting me, and asked if I wanted to set something up one-on-one with her. At the time, it sounded like it might be a good idea to meet this person who would be around my son, but of course I wasn't thinking very clearly with everything going on with my mom. I told her sure, but I would have to revisit the subject in June, because there was too much going on at that time (not only with my mom but also with the whole court hearing coming up in May that she caused).
My mom remained hospitalized throughout March and April, and into May when she passed on the 17th. uBPDxw reached out again in June to ask if I still wanted to try to meet with this woman. At that point, I still said sure (still not thinking straight because of grief). When I emailed the GF, the exchange went like this:
MW:
Hi GF Name,
uBPDxw gave me your email address so that we could hopefully connect sometime before you meet S9. After work on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday next week would work on my end, or we can look at other options depending on your schedule. I was thinking Restaurant in Town might be midway for each of us, but please let me know if you have other thoughts on where to go.
GF Name:
Hi MW,
I wish you would have requested to connect sooner if the goal was for us to meet prior to July. My work schedule this coming week precludes me from social outings in the evenings. The following week, I am available Tuesday, July 5th for lunch, but have a full schedule the remainder of the week. I very much am looking forward to building a relationship with S9 as I understand that he is a kind, caring, intelligent and funny human.
...and ultimately that already told me exactly what I needed to know. Either she knew about my mom and still came out swinging, or she didn't know, meaning uBPDxw let her think I was dragging my feet for no reason. I
still ended up responding to state clearly that the delay had been due to my mother's hospitalization and passing, and still tried to suggest some alternatives, keeping it as BIFF as I could...but I also stewed on it for the next four hours. I finally came around and I sent a follow-up message before she bothered to answer:
MW:
After reflecting on it more fully, honestly I think us meeting does not serve any purpose. It was uBPDxw's suggestion, and it sounded like a good idea on the surface, but I think it’s just going to put us both under unnecessary stress. Thank you for your willingness to set something up, and I hope things go well when you meet S9 on the 7th.
She did respond later with condolences about my mom and some conciliatory message about respecting my decision and reaching out if I ever have any concerns involving her and the kids. I did not bother to answer at that point.
I hate that I got sucked that far into it, but I guess it was a good practice run for me and I'll be better prepared for uBPDxw trying to set such things up like that in the future.
mw
